Goodbye to Boy Toy

Well, the fun didnt last long enough. I guess I knew in my heart of hearts that we had no longterm compatibility, but I figured we could ride it out for longer than 7 weeks! He hasnt officially ended it yet, but with all the drama as of late Im not surprised he couldnt hang. My only regret is that I didnt show him my true self, I never opened up (afraid to get hurt), well maybe I got hurt because I didnt open up and show my true self. Instead I showed some scaret dramatic side of myself that came out because I didnt really know how to go about this relationship and maybe I was never ready for it in the first place. Or maybe I should either stop expecting the bad boys to change, or just stop dating them altogether (but good guys dont turn me on!).
Anyways he's too chicken shit to actually break up with me, he hasnt even tried to send a text, he just slowly started becomming unresponsive until now he completely ignores me. Even saw him driving the other day and my wave was met by an awkward wave back (more of a brush off) and a very weird look. WTF?! Ya we'd had some drama as of late but I thought we were past it and the last time I saw him everything was fine! I cannot believe hes immature enough to not even talk to me face to face. I know someone like that is probably not worth my time, but still I cant help but want him. I wasnt done with him yet! I wasnt done looking at his beautiful face and feeling proud that I finally snagged him :) I wasnt done with the great sex and the sleepovers and the cuddling and the backrubs and the hanging out camping sailing at the lodge etc. I had plans for us for the rest of the summer. I was looking forward to being my new (svelt) self and having a boyfriend all summer. The worst of it is that the 6 of us had a great thing going (3 couples, all friends) and now thats over :(.

I cant decide if i want to force the issues by leaving him a message saying he needs to face me because Im afraid he just wont do it. I have some of his stuff, but am I and his stuff worth so little to him that he will blow it off just to avoid talking to me, or talking about his feelings? I feel so hurt and insulted...like a looser like this is dumping ME?! well then I must be the bigger looser...not only because I am letting him get away with it, but because I still want him.

More drama

Ok so this Friday I went out with a whole group of people to go to the bars and the reggae concert. Steven was bounching at the concert. The first part of the night was fine, everything was cool and I was splitting my time between the group and Steven. Anyways it got crazy tho….
Last weekend Lisa and I were at the bar and we were drunk and having girl talk and I let it slip that Wes and I had hooked up back when we were lifties (way before he and Lisa even met). I thought she knew but I guess not and when we got back it caused this huge fight between them. They were screaming at eachother and Lisa was throwing his tools all over the yard and Wes hauled the fuckin kitchen table out and burned it on the fire and broke a lamp which ended up cutting his hand really bad. I was drunk and puking all over the place and poor Steven was left holding the crying baby while all the drama insued. Then on Friday, in the middle of a crowded bar, Wes went off on me about it. He made me feel like a giant piece of crap when I already felt bad. I talked to Lisa about it and her side of the story is way different than his so now Im not sure what to think. She seems cool with it but he is obviously not. He totally went off on me and made me cry in the middle of a crowded bar. I went to the bathroom and while I was in there, Steven called to say he was done with the concert and was heading home. I definitely wanted to get out of that bar, and I debated between going home with Steven and going to meet Ryan (who had been texting me and calling me all night to try and get me to meet up with him). But I was a good girl and I went with Steven but it was lame cuz he ended up falling alseep right away.

Saturday- I had plans to go down to CDA and I asked him if he wanted to go, he said he wasn’t sure and to call before I left. So about a half hour before I was planning on leaving I called and he said he had just gotten home and needed a shower and a nap first. I said okay I will call you in an hour. I called and he said he wanted to sleep for a bit longer. So I wanted another hour and called again and he didn’t answer twice so I said 'fuck it' and left. (and he says waiting on me is a pain in the ass- I waited for his ass for 2 hours). Then after I got down there he sent me a text saying "you leave yet?". I was like ya, sorry, but I waited a long time for you and you didn’t answer your phone. Then I thought everything was cool he replied back saying "that’s cool I needed a nap and you had people to party with". Then a couple hours later he text and asked me if I was staying the night. I said I wasn’t sure yet cuz I had been drinking. He replied saying I was gonna stay down there and hook up with some guy. So I replied saying he has nothing to worry about I was just hanging with friends. Then he fucking sent me a message trying to break up with me. Seriously? Over text? For doing absolutely nothing wrong?? I tried to call him a few times but he wouldn’t take my call. I finally got so fed up I decided to drive home and confront him. So I got home and he still wouldn’t answer my calls so I went over to his house. I walk in and hes just like "hey what up" like everything is normal. I asked him what the deal was and he said he was joking about the whole thing. Well I don’t know, I think he just said that to avoid confrontation, but nonetheless fucking stupid. So I gave him a lecture about how lame it was to try and break up over text message, especially when I was doing nothing wrong, and how lame it is to not answer my calls espeically after I drove home (after drinking) just to talk to him. I said if it was a joke it wasn’t very funny. Then he totally apologized. God how lame!!! And he says Im crazy. If this juvenile crap doesn’t stop soon he's done! Theres only so much you can put up with even if he is gorgeous LOL :)

On a good note...

After my previous post where things were all amuck with Steven, we talked, and got a lot of it out but not everything. At least from my perspective. But something that night seemed to be working cuz it was the first time when we were having sex I felt like we were actually making love. It was amazing! So sensuous! Honestly I wasnt sure he had that side, or really liked that kind of sex. I mean, the sex the night before was cant even wait long enuf to get our clothes off, tounge-thrust hot kissing and me riding him and grinding as hard as I could and him slapping my ass sex. Couch sex LOL. Then he comes back the next time with a much more slow and sensual mood...wanted to slow down (ahh I love the slow burn) and lay down real close on top of him so our bodies were pressed together and we could feel eachothers warm skin and body movements and touch eachother intimatly. He kept kissing me real slow and sweet and holding onto my neck and pulling me close to him. We made love for over an hour and I came hard but he never did (drunk?!). So of course he was raring to go after a few hours sleep. I awoke at 5am to him kissing my forehead and stroking my face. It was so sweet- but I knew he had alterior motives! Ya we didnt get much sleep that night :)

Crazy night

Last night Neighbor Boy and I had plans to watch a movie but I ended up going out to dinner with the fam and he ended up going to the bar. So after dinner I went to the bar to find him and when I walked in he was talking to his ex girlfriend and her new boyfriend. Can you say awkward?!! He bought us all a round of shots and was trying to be all buddy-buddy with the guy but it wasn’t really working. Then he said that he and Jenni talked but he wouldn’t tell me what about. and he says hes over it and he doesn’t care but then why was he trying so hard to make friends and hang out with them? and he was even talking to the bartender about her and I overheard a little bit and when I asked about it they both told me "don’t worry about it". well how can I not worry about the fact that he is more concerned with his ex and her new man then he is with me?! Arg. anyways I tried to make nice with them too and they just scowled at me when I tried to talk to them. Ya, it was really awkward.

It was a fun night at the bar there were a lot of people out and a lot of people I know. This guy Derek was there (he knows both Steven and Ryan and has seen me with both). Well he is a cool guy and he was totally hitting on me. Told me I looked sexy and told me I shouldn’t be with Steven cuz he has too many issues and he was all touchy-feely with me. But he has a bitchy little girlfriend so Im not getting involved...plus Ive got too much going on already! Feast or famine right?

A ton of other guys were hitting on me too. I don’t know what it was about last night but I had swarms of them around me LOL! I probably looked nasty too, I was in my softball clothes and all dirty and stuff. Maybe that’s what they liked LOL.

My friend Anna was there also (met her thru Sean) so I talked with her for a long time. Even talked about Sean and she totally badmouthed his new girlfriend and said she likes me a lot more :)

So Steven basically ignored me the whole night…we just each did our own thing…doesn’t even notice that all these guys are hitting on me cuz hes too preoccupied talking to other girls…until the one freakin second I step outside to answer Ryan's phone call. Then of course he notices and calls me up asking me where the fuck I went and why I took only my phone and all this. So I had to hang up on Ryan to answer Steven's call so he wouldn’t be suspicious. Then….

…. who walks into the bar…RYAN! Oh crap. I grabbed his arm when I saw him and he turned around and gave me a big hug and I look up and Steven is standing right there but I don’t know if he saw or not. Oh, OMG this is so weird, Ryan's friend Chad is Steven's new boss! Chad and Ryan were together and when Chad went up to talk to Steven, Ryan went too and for a while the 3 of them were talking and the whole time I was like FUCK FUCK FUCK. Ryan knows who Steven is and what he looks like but Steven has no clue who Ryan is. My saving grace is that Ryan goes by his last name so I don’t think Steven will make the connection. But still- fucking weird!!

Then Ryan took off but he called me again later and left me the sweetest voicemail. Called me baby and used my first name (he usually calls me Murdock or one of his nicknames for me). So I called him back and he was saying "oh we never hang out anymore and I miss you and oh you have a boyfriend now". Then he turned up the song on the radio and started singing to it but sustituing the words and saying stuff about missing me and whatnot. It was so adorable he is such a ham!

I knew this would happen. As soon as I went off to be with someone else he realized his feelings for me. So this is definitely working out to my advantage!

Then Steven and I left and went to my house and talked for a little bit then went to sleep. I asked him why he never says the things he used to- like calling me sweet and sexy and beautiful and saying how much he likes me all the time. What he said really really scares me. He said "well I guess my feelings about you have changed". :( He says he feels like I like him too much for us only knowing eachother 6 weeks. But that’s such a catch 22 cuz hes the one who was so into me in the beginning! (He does have issues for sure). But nonetheless, I guess what Im gonna have to do is play hard to get for a while so he can reel me back in. I just have to be really careful not to cross the line with Ryan cuz I am really tempted to hang out with him, especially if Im gonna cool it a little bit with Steven.

Im very frustrated, dissapointed, and unsure. Steven wants peace and everything to be cool just like I do. He wants me to just chill and not worry about stuff. But its very hard for me to remain cool and calm when Im unsure about the state of things between us. I need reassurance. But the more I worry, the more I annoy him and drive him away. So I guess what I need to do is just back off a bit and if he wants me, he will come to me. VERY hard for me to do but it might be the right move here. What I really want to do is make him see that his issues are whats causing us the problems, not mine, he is so wrapped up in what happened with his ex and his brother's wife and his friends girlfriends and he projects that onto me. I want to make him see that he should look in a mirror every once in a while! But really I think that’s just going to backfire. I think I should just back off and see what happens, knowing that Im doing it by choice which will hopefully give me the power back. I just have to be strong enuf to realize that maybe I have to handle my insecurities on my own and let some stuff go rather than confronting him- only because he is the one who cant handle it, not me. Its either going to take some time and he will come around, or it wont change anything and we still might break up. I hope not, but Im not sure theres any longterm compatibility here. I guess honestly Ive known that from the very beginning :(. So as much as I want him to see my side of things too, maybe I shouldn’t make waves, just ride it out and have fun while it lasts with a hot guy :)

Note to self: Dont date someone 6 years younger than you!!!

Last week he blew me off for 3 days in a row. left him a voicemail Friday night saying I was off work and wanted to go drinking. Didnt hear back from him for hours. Got an invite to our mutual friends house so I sent him a text inviting him. Low and behold- after 3 days of him ignoring me- he calls as soon as I say Im going out to our friends place. So obviously he doesnt give a crap about hanging out with me- he just wanted to go out there. And when I called him out on not calling me back- he said he was preoccupied. i said "preoccupied with what?". he said "drinking". I said "I wanted to drink and I left you a message telling you that!" Brat. Then later that night he apologized for not calling me for 3 days and said I worry too much.

So he stayed the night out there Friday and I didnt hear from him at all after we got back Saturday, even tho he said he would call me when he was done helping his friend move. Ryan called me, so i ended up going to the golf course with him and then to Lonnie and Katie's and then watching movies. While I was watching movies with Ryan, Steven called me, accused me of cheating on him and then didnt answer my call when I got home later, even tho he said he wanted to come over. He was all butthurt because I was out watching movies with friends (he didnt know it was Ryan) and I wasnt immeditately available to see him. It was only an hour but he made a big deal saying he was waiting for me FOREVER. yet he goes out and does whatever he wants with his friends for days at a time.

I called him Sunday morning to ask if he wanted to go fishing and he said no he had to move again but that he would call when he got done. Of course I didnt hear from him again all day. Finally he sent me a text saying he was going fishing. Bastard! I called him because I wanted to go fishing but he didnt answer. Finally about 9pm I heard from him and he came over and I tried to talk to him but he was too busy being immature to listen.

Then last night I called him right as I was getting off of work and then his friend called andhe said he would call me right back. Didnt call me back. So I called him and he said he was going fishing again. He knows Ive been wanting to go really bad! I asked who with and it was a whole group of people so I asked if I could go and his response...."well I was planning on not having you go." Not, "oh maybe next time", or "we are already on our way but you could meet us out there if you want" or "I wasnt planning on having you go". He actually said he was planning on NOT having me there. Well fuck that makes me feel pretty damn unwanted. And hes the one who accuses me of cheating on him!!! Then he said it was a pain in the ass to wait for me. Well he never tells me the plan or what time to be ready yet he expects to just be ready at the drop of a hat. well Im fuckin sorry i didnt know there was fishing happening and Im sorry Im at work and I dont have my fishing stuff with me but if you had told me ahead of time I could have been ready to go! what a jerk. He just totally blew me off and in a mean way. And he said he would call me when he got home but of course he didnt.

Im just sick of it. Hes being a total flake and I told him I hate that. He goes off with his friends and I dont hear from him for days but when I go off and do my own thing he gets all butthurt and accuses me of cheating on him. He says hes gonna do stuff but then he doesnt. He doesnt want me to hang out with his friends or meet his parents or even call me his girlfriend. Hes done unless he shapes up real quick. Why the fuck did I think I could date a 22 year old? He knows nothing about relationships and in fact acts like a girlfriend is the last thing he wants.