Playing catch up

So many developments recently I havent even had time to blog so now its catch up time!!!...

"The Write Off".....and then "The Boy Fight!" (June 29)
My second to last post was the day I decide to mentally say goodbye to Steven and write him off for ignoring me and blowing me off, which I cannot stand. I decided for my own sake that I needed to just let him go and if he wasn’t going to pursue me, to be prepared for that. Low and behold- that very night was the night I got the strange texts from both he and Ryan indicating that they had a run in at the bar where Ryan confronted Steven for treating me badly and convinved him that he had an awesome girl on his hands!

"The Fall Out"

The week following that was great. Steven came over to my house groveling and saying how sorry he was and how much of a jerk he is. He said he just wasn’t ready for how fast things were moving but he really likes me. It seemed like he had come to his senses and realized he was about to loose me. Altho I was on cloud 9- Steven groveling and Ryan coming to my rescue- in the back of my mind I was still unsure and a bit worried. Maybe my fears were founded, maybe it was just me freaking out, I'm still not sure but for a while there everything was great! :) I knew Ryan cared about me and I had Steven right where I wanted him.

"Independance Day" (July 4)

The week started out pretty good. I was looking forward to spending the 4th with one of the boys! (Hopefully Steven but had Ryan as a backup) but then things started going back to the same old crap. I went out Friday night with Ryan, his BFF and his GF, and found out Ryan was trying to date this really hot bartneder girl I know from school. That pissed me off after he had given me the speech about not wanting a girlfriend and I kinda of called him out on it and we kinda had a fight about it. At one point we were out on the street and I basically told him off and walked away and a few minutes later he called me. He had a good (but drunk) talk and I ended up going back to pick him up and gave him a ride home. he told me how beautiful I look and how I shouldn’t freak out about the new girl. But still, I was very heartbroken, and went home feeling pretty low.

And I was still unsure about Steven. I ended up staying over at his house Friday night, for the first time ever I got to sleep in his bed for a change, it was comfy but I didn’t sleep at all (too much on my mind). We hadnt talked much at all since the one night so I needed to know where he stood….i.e. he wasn’t ready then but does that mean hes ready now? Me being the Taurus I am, I needed defintions, expectations, boundaries. I tried talking to him but he wasn’t really into it so we ended up making out instead!

The next morning was the 4th of July. I don’t really remember exactly how but it quickly went from us dry humping in the bed to me attempting to force him to talk. Looking back now I know it was the wrong way to get what I wanted but I needed answers! I had been waiting almost a week to talk to him and so for me there was all these unanswered questions that he probably had no idea I was wanting to have answered. He told me he was sorry but he just didn’t want a girlfriend. That pissed me off because I felt like he was saying he just didn’t want me to be his girlfriend. I felt like this because initially all signs pointed to he wanted me to be. he actually called me and asked me to do "date" things with him. he told me all the time how sexy and beautiful and awesome I was. he texted me throughout the day and came over almost every night. He said he was infatuated with me! So looking back on that and thinking about the fucked up things that had happened it made me realize he had changed the way he felt about me and it made me sad and pissed me off that he wouldn’t just say what was real. So because of that I kept pushing him and pushing him to talk. This of course caused him to just shut down even more. And me me wanting answers- or not liking the answer I got- just pushed more. At one point he said we should just be fuck buddies but I told him I couldnt do that cuz it just left me feeling like a worthless pile of crap- and at that point I actually got up and left. I SHOULD HAVE LEFT IT AT THAT. He either would have chased after me, come to his senses later, or it would have ended gracefully.

But that insane part of me cannot let go- maybe its cuz I want to fight for what I want or maybe its cuz Im too insecure to walk away- but I ended up coming back. I was in silent tears- and I just wanted him to comfort me- so I went and layed in his arms. I think I was trying to say goodbye. But I ended up trying to force him to talk again and got so worked up and frustrated that I ended up crying even more. He flat out told me he wasn’t going to date me and the more I pushed him the more he would hate it. So then, just desperately trying to keep him in my life, I said lets just me fuck buddies then, and he said he didn’t want to do that anymore, that he was over it. As I was leaving I said "you really don’t give a fuck do you" and he said "don’t say that, I do, let just think it over and talk later". So he left it open but to me it felt like it was the end. I left his house trying to be strong but that emptiness hit me the moment I walked away :(

I went out to Bri and Donn;s for the family/friend BBQ. I couldn’t enjoy it but I knew I couldn’t be alone either. I tried to be strong but by the end of the night I had enough. 24 hours prior to that I was looking forward to cuddling on the beach with one of the men….but ended up watching the fireworks completely alone. I couldn’t even bring myself to sit with everyone else. I bawled my eyes out watching the fireworks and couldn’t stop thinking about it being my "Independence Day" and started preparing myself for a world of loneliness once again. I didn’t know if I could handle all the ups and downs but it was looking like things would be down for a while :(

"The Day After" (July 5)

I couldn’t spend the day alone again so I called up my sis and she invited me on the boat. We ended up going over to our friends place on the lake and hanging out swimming for a bit and then went out to the next town for dinner. It ended being an okay day despite the feeling of depression creeping in. I was laying on my couch that night just trying to forget about everything when I got a text from Steven. He asked me if I was okay. (He heard from our mutual friends that I was crying over him the night before). So it was kind of sweet that he wanted to make sure I was okay and I guess he had even called me earlier that afternoon while I was out of service range. He ended up coming over to smoke me out and I told him I was sorry that things had gotten so stupid. He asked if I was mad at him and I said no I was mad at myself. He said "why Im the jerk". He said he felt really bad. He tried to mess around with me and call me "Skeeters" like he always does but I don’t download that fast so I was a bit cold to him. I wanted him to know I was still hurting and I couldn’t just act like everything was fine. He stayed for only about an hour and gave me a hug and went home. The one and only time hes ever come over and not stayed the night but I knew it was for the best.

I spent the week just adjusting to everything. he tried to contact me but I told him I had some things to think about and I wasn’t ready to talk yet. He seemed shocked but it was good to have a bit of space. I needed to gather my thoughts and he needed to realize that I could function without him.

The Crazy Weekend!....

"He Loves Me! (The other man- not him!) (July 9)

I don't recall how it started but Ryan and I had one of those great late night laying in bed on the phone talks. Im pretty sure he was drunk but Im a believer in that the things we say when we are drunk are what we really mean to say just don’t have the guts to say in person. We had a great talk and he talked about the new girl not really working out and his custody troubles and how much he likes me and then he said it- I LOVE YOU TRIPLESGIRL! I think my heart skipped a beat! I mean, I know he meant it mostly in a friend way but I don’t care he still said it and I was very happy about it :)

"The Little Black Dress" (July 10)

My high school reunion (yes Im dating myself!). Wore a hot little black dress and went out on the town afterwards. Man I should do that more often I didn’t buy a single drink all night! Met a new guy (the blonde from Boise) and ended up making out with him (not so good tho- not my style) and on old friend of Ryan's who had never shown much interest in me before saw me in that dress and couldn’t take his eyes off! Invited me to a party the following night and started trying to date me but I pretty much blew both the men off over the next couple weeks- too much going on already!

….More on that later- feast or famine!....

Anyways Steven must have been drunk and horny or just missed me cuz he called me about 4 or 5 times that night which is rare. I finally called him back and he invited me over and I slipped into his house under the cover of darkness…crawled onto his lap while he was in the big chair…and started grinding on him and making out. We were both incredibly horny- no sex since June. I simply lifted up my dress and he slid down his pants and man we just went at it right there with his parents asleep in the next room. Im sure they heard my moaning I couldn’t hold it in! It was sooo incredibly HOT! I came harder than I have in a long time. He came home with me that night and Im sure we did it again in the morning.

"The Betrayal" (July 11)

he very next night after hooking back up with Steven, I get a very drunken call from Ryan saying that he needed a ride from a wedding reception. So I went to pick him up and he acted like it was the first time he finally noticed how good I was looking lately. He said he knows he fucked up and Im beautiful and he should have realized it a long time ago and how he isnt going to pursue new girl. He kept asking me if it was too late now that I have a boyfriend. I was trying to fend his drunken ass off but I must admit it was so nice to hear him say all those things after I had liked him so much for so long! I knew it was wrong and I promised myself after the last double dip that I wouldn’t do it again, but I did it anyway! I went up into his apartment with him and we had the hottest and longest sex session we have ever had together! I mean, we rocked it! And he admitted it and how sexy he thought I was :) Of course in the middle of it Steven was texting me (God its like he KNOWS. Everytime I go to Ryans, Steven calls me). I finally made it home but I knew I couldn’t see two men in one night so thank God Steven was asleep by the time I got home. I ended up showering and going out to the bar again and making out with Boise Boy again!!!

"Day on the Dock" (July 12)

The next day Ryan called me up and we ended up doing a couple errands and then going out to his BFF's dock to fish and swim and spend the day. That night my main man slept over. I cant believe how much had happened in one weekend and altho I was a bit disapointed in myself for doing that to Steven, in a way I did it cuz I was mad at him cuz he wouldn’t commit to me so I thought "fuck it! I can do what I want!" And altho I must admit I was feeling pretty confident snagging two hot guys in one weekend, I knew it was time to stop all the foolishness and be someone Steven could trust.

Somewhere in that week Ryan and I had a great phone conversation. We flirted and talked about important stuff and he reminissed about our escapade! Then he talked about his upcoming birthday and how his buddy was gonna have a party at his lake house for him and how he wanted to get dirty with me down on the beach!

"The Talk"

I cnt remember exactly when we finally did talk- but I think it was this week but it might have been the next. It was pretty clear we still had the hots for eachother and we were gonna keep sleeping together despite what he said on the forth. We never did have the long involved emotional talk I was hoping for, but what I do remember is him coming over one night and him sitting on the couch with my legs over him and me telling him how sorry I was for how stupid things got and how I now realize that I was pushing him into somehting he wasn’t ready for. I told him how I react badly when Im not getting what I want and my actions only further push away the exact thing Im trying to hang onto. I told him Ive realized I need to chill out and just let things be the way they are gonna be. He said "I agree with that statement" and that was that. I cant believe all that freaking out really ended up not being much of anything- altho I am scared that it did change the way he feels about me.

"The Drunken Weekend"

Lisa's Birthday July 16
Golf Tourney July 17
Spokompton Bachelorette Party July 18

"Steven's Near Miss" July 21

Ryan had his court case and was super stoked cuz he got what he wanted and I had gone over to his place after work to celebrate with him. Then of course Steven calls me- why does he always do that! I lied my face off about where I was, apologized to Ryan and quickly got out of there. Met with Steven at the bar. It was nice to just sit and talk with him. He did the cutest thing….he was talking about his court stuff and not having the $ to finish the counseling and being worried about having a warrant out for him. He was all stressed about it but then finally said "fuck it, I don’t care…but you know what I do care about?"...and he pointed to me! Okay, pretty sweet :)

And on the way home he got pulled over and I thought he was going to jail but he got away scott free! What a punk! we had a great night tho. We had hot couch sex! It was really hot in my house so he started playfully spitting water on me and I was wearing a white tee shirt so it got all wet and it ended up being this hot fun thing and it turned us both on so much we had more sex about 1am after we had both fallen asleep and woken up again. Then AGAIN at about 5am. We didn’t sleep much that night!

Girls Night July 24-

Went out to Lisa's but didn’t have very much fun and ended up missing Cortney going out to the bars and Steven getting into a fight and getting kicked out of my fav bar and Ryan breaking up the fight and being the one to tell me about it!

Bashing Wes' Truck July 25

Drunk Dials from Naughty Little Body…

Didn’t hear from Steven all weekend…

July 27- he texted He texted me Monday about getting kicked out of the bar and Monday night but he didn’t come over. There was a cool storm going on and he teased me by asking me if I wanted to watch with him but then said "too bad Im in bed!" Brat.

He came over Tuesday but I don’t think I heard anything from him the rest of the week….I was starting to worry again….even tried calling him about the Priest Lake camping trip he said he wanted to go on but he never returned my calls.

Priest Lake July 31
I went and had fun without him after not hearing from him all week. Low and behold I get home and find all these voice and text messages from him about how hes sorry for being a jerk and how he has relationship issues and asking if Im ignoring him. I was kinda glad he got a taste of his own medicine but looking forward to seeing him at the wedding.

Day of Weddings Aug 1
The night started out kind of iffy I wasn’t sure how things would go when I saw him, if he had gotten my message, how he would act around his ex, etc. He kinda ignored me at first but I just did my thing and had fun with friends. I got really wasted and sad, thinking he didn’t care about me, doesn’t want to be with me, etc. For a few days I had been wondering if what I really needed to do is just let him go and see if he chased after me. He freaked out about Kenny (thinking it was a different guy) and said something really mean to me "You look innocent but you're not". OUCH. So I had a lot of emotions going on, and weddings are hard for me anyway, so I ended up being the drunk crying girl for part of the night. Lisa's newphew latched onto me and we ended up going off together having a conversation. Even tho it was about Steven, Steven still was like "oh that’s your new boyf huh".

But I shouldn’t have been so upset and shouldnt have worried so much about him not caring about me. He does- and people tell me that- he just has a funny way of showing it. He did come to my rescue when I hurt my foot that was pretty cute :)

I think the dust is starting to settle. Maybe its cuz we've past the cruical 90 day mark. Maybe its cuz Ive been thinking a lot about how I need to approach this. I think mostly my attitude is what was changed. You know Im feeling a lot better about the situation now that I know him better. and all that crap and drama we went thru is almost good because its made us closer and made me think about a lot of stuff. I shouldn’t be in any hurry to make him my boyfriend. We basically act like it anyway, hes just not ready to say it and Im not going to rush him. Hes not ready because hes still so hurt about his ex, and sensitive about being cheated on because of what his brother went thru. I think in this case its going to take time because I have to proove to him that I am worthy to be his girlfriend. I have to earn his trust and let him know I can be trusted with his heart. And really theres nothing wrong with going slow, in the end it will be better because once I do become his offical girlfriend I will know its because he really wants me to be and not just because we are sleeping together. So, what this means is, I have to be "good" and be loyal to him so I can honestly give him what he is looking for. At first I thought he was putting the cart before the horse by asking for my loyalty before making me his girlfriend, but now I understand that I need to show him I worthy of the girlfriend status by being loyal. Its weird too cuz all my horoscopes lately are right on! Today's for example…I will close with this…

That old saying is true: you can't hurry love. You also can't pressure someone into being your romantic fantasy - but who's to say that your lover is not!? With the Moon quincunx Mercury, you have the tendency to let your mind and heart fight it out inside you, resulting in emotional confusion and overreactions, especially in love. You may just need to sit back, relax, and let your partner love you the way they want to naturally...you may find it's more than you ever hoped for!

The boys fought about me!!!

Holy shit what they say about how life can change in the drop of a hat is exactly correct!!! My worst fear came true- the 2 current men in my life had a run in!- but its looking like all its all working out for the better!

After not hearing from Steven for over a week, and shedding tears over him, I had damn near written him off. The same thing basically happened with Sean and altho I wanted desperately to call and stalk and leave messages for him until I got him to talk to me, I finally decided it wasn’t worth my time. If he wanted me, he would call me. And I tried to convince myself I didn’t want a guy that would treat me like that anyway. So I never did leave him any kind of message or anything, I just let it go, and started to move on with my life. Altho this was difficult and painful, I knew it was for the best but still I couldn’t stop thinking about him and agonizing over what I had done so wrong to make him dump me. I felt like a giant looser- I mean if such an immature looser didn’t want to be with me what was so wrong with me??? Truth is, I missed him. I missed his adorable toothy smile and his gorgeous eyes and his laugh and the way he used to mess around with me. I missed spending time with him. I missed having him there to roll over and cuddle on when I woke up in the morning. I missed the sex. I missed the backrubs and the cuddling and the kissing and just having someone around. Theres nothing like loosing somebody to make you realize how much you want them. (Hmmm maybe that’s what he came to realize also?)

Anyways so literally the night (Monday) I had planned on being the last straw is the night it all happened. Go figure. Why do men always come back into my life just as I am starting to get over them?! Damn it. Anyway I had just gotten into bed around 11:30 and heard my phone chime with a text. Low and behold- it was Steven. I was almost scared to open it, but of course I did anyway, with a pit in my stomach. It was cryptic, at best. It read "just met your bf Ryan". WTF?!?! Ok. So I replied "huh" just trying to get a feel for the situation. His reply "ya he doesn’t like me very much". OK, still again, no insight into the situation. I was laying in bed and could only imagine what wad going on wherever they were, I figured the bar. I thought about it for a while and finally replied "hes not my bf but a friend who doesn’t want to see me hurt. which I am right now." PERFECT. I didn’t expect a reply. Or a dump reply. But…."Im sorry I hurt you TripleSGirl. But you freaked me out so I gave some distance". Ok, nothing too weird, typical guy-freak out mode. He said I just got too all about him. Ok, don’t you want me to like you? Besides, hes the one who was always saying how much he liked me. Whatever. Why do men freak out and pull away the moment they realize they have actually fallen for someone???

So I still didn’t really know the situation except that whatever had just taken place was causing Steven to actually talk to me. So I called Ryan and asked WTF was going on down there. It must have just happened just he was drunk and really worked up. He was so worked up I could barely understand what he was saying. But apparently he was with Chad (Steven's boss) and saw Steven and for some reason went right up to him and said "hey- Im Ryan". I guess Steven tried to play it off like he didn’t know who Ryan was, but we all know that’s not the case. Then Ryan said "youre dating my friend Sara". Again Steven tried to act like he didn’t know what Ryan was talking about but I guess Ryan must have persisted cuz whatever he was saying made Steven uncomfortable. I guess he was giving Steven shit about treating me like crap. GO RYAN YOU ARE MY KNIGHT IN SHINKING AMOUR! Yep, he did that for me! He obviously cares about me enuf to confront someone whos being a jerk to me! Risking his own safety! OMG Im getting hot flashes just thinking about it. Yep I now picture the man carrying a sword riding a white horse. Ahhh…

Steven said Ryan was trying to play it cool but had his fists clenched the whole time. With how worked up Ryan was and Steven's response I swear to God I thought they were gonna get into a fight! Ya Ryan does not like him. Thinks hes just a punk kid who doesn’t deserve me and who I shouldn’t be with. (So who I should be with Ryan-you? Ya you don’t want me). Anyways it must have scared some sense into Steven because that night he came over and groveled. Said how sorry he was over and over again. How he didn’t mean to hurt me. How he just got freaked out and didn’t like little things I was going. Just little things. He just said it was moving too fast and he didn’t like it. He said he missed me and he really likes me. So to me it seems salvagable. He kept asking for my foregiveness and if I was mad at him and I said no Im not mad but I do have some things to think about. So now I think I have him in the perfect place. Let him grovel. Let him sweat. Let him proove that heis worthy of my time. But secretly I know Im going to take him back I missed that man and I wasn’t ready for him to be gone! :) :) :) God this better work out…I cant handle much more of the up and down.

The ironic thing about this is, if whatever Ryan said truly is the reason Steven came to his senses, Ryan may have inadvertanlty saved my relationship with a guy he doesn’t want me to be with. He also heightened my feelings for him, which isnt helping the situation! So now while I am gonna give Steven another shot (IF we talk more and Im satisifed that things will change), I want Ryan even more now. He came to my rescue and defended my honor and theres just nothing sexier than that!

So…we will see how this all plays out…but the way I see Ive still got both of these men…and while its not great that they had a negative interaction, its working out for me!!!

Goodbye to Boy Toy

Well, the fun didnt last long enough. I guess I knew in my heart of hearts that we had no longterm compatibility, but I figured we could ride it out for longer than 7 weeks! He hasnt officially ended it yet, but with all the drama as of late Im not surprised he couldnt hang. My only regret is that I didnt show him my true self, I never opened up (afraid to get hurt), well maybe I got hurt because I didnt open up and show my true self. Instead I showed some scaret dramatic side of myself that came out because I didnt really know how to go about this relationship and maybe I was never ready for it in the first place. Or maybe I should either stop expecting the bad boys to change, or just stop dating them altogether (but good guys dont turn me on!).
Anyways he's too chicken shit to actually break up with me, he hasnt even tried to send a text, he just slowly started becomming unresponsive until now he completely ignores me. Even saw him driving the other day and my wave was met by an awkward wave back (more of a brush off) and a very weird look. WTF?! Ya we'd had some drama as of late but I thought we were past it and the last time I saw him everything was fine! I cannot believe hes immature enough to not even talk to me face to face. I know someone like that is probably not worth my time, but still I cant help but want him. I wasnt done with him yet! I wasnt done looking at his beautiful face and feeling proud that I finally snagged him :) I wasnt done with the great sex and the sleepovers and the cuddling and the backrubs and the hanging out camping sailing at the lodge etc. I had plans for us for the rest of the summer. I was looking forward to being my new (svelt) self and having a boyfriend all summer. The worst of it is that the 6 of us had a great thing going (3 couples, all friends) and now thats over :(.

I cant decide if i want to force the issues by leaving him a message saying he needs to face me because Im afraid he just wont do it. I have some of his stuff, but am I and his stuff worth so little to him that he will blow it off just to avoid talking to me, or talking about his feelings? I feel so hurt and insulted...like a looser like this is dumping ME?! well then I must be the bigger looser...not only because I am letting him get away with it, but because I still want him.

More drama

Ok so this Friday I went out with a whole group of people to go to the bars and the reggae concert. Steven was bounching at the concert. The first part of the night was fine, everything was cool and I was splitting my time between the group and Steven. Anyways it got crazy tho….
Last weekend Lisa and I were at the bar and we were drunk and having girl talk and I let it slip that Wes and I had hooked up back when we were lifties (way before he and Lisa even met). I thought she knew but I guess not and when we got back it caused this huge fight between them. They were screaming at eachother and Lisa was throwing his tools all over the yard and Wes hauled the fuckin kitchen table out and burned it on the fire and broke a lamp which ended up cutting his hand really bad. I was drunk and puking all over the place and poor Steven was left holding the crying baby while all the drama insued. Then on Friday, in the middle of a crowded bar, Wes went off on me about it. He made me feel like a giant piece of crap when I already felt bad. I talked to Lisa about it and her side of the story is way different than his so now Im not sure what to think. She seems cool with it but he is obviously not. He totally went off on me and made me cry in the middle of a crowded bar. I went to the bathroom and while I was in there, Steven called to say he was done with the concert and was heading home. I definitely wanted to get out of that bar, and I debated between going home with Steven and going to meet Ryan (who had been texting me and calling me all night to try and get me to meet up with him). But I was a good girl and I went with Steven but it was lame cuz he ended up falling alseep right away.

Saturday- I had plans to go down to CDA and I asked him if he wanted to go, he said he wasn’t sure and to call before I left. So about a half hour before I was planning on leaving I called and he said he had just gotten home and needed a shower and a nap first. I said okay I will call you in an hour. I called and he said he wanted to sleep for a bit longer. So I wanted another hour and called again and he didn’t answer twice so I said 'fuck it' and left. (and he says waiting on me is a pain in the ass- I waited for his ass for 2 hours). Then after I got down there he sent me a text saying "you leave yet?". I was like ya, sorry, but I waited a long time for you and you didn’t answer your phone. Then I thought everything was cool he replied back saying "that’s cool I needed a nap and you had people to party with". Then a couple hours later he text and asked me if I was staying the night. I said I wasn’t sure yet cuz I had been drinking. He replied saying I was gonna stay down there and hook up with some guy. So I replied saying he has nothing to worry about I was just hanging with friends. Then he fucking sent me a message trying to break up with me. Seriously? Over text? For doing absolutely nothing wrong?? I tried to call him a few times but he wouldn’t take my call. I finally got so fed up I decided to drive home and confront him. So I got home and he still wouldn’t answer my calls so I went over to his house. I walk in and hes just like "hey what up" like everything is normal. I asked him what the deal was and he said he was joking about the whole thing. Well I don’t know, I think he just said that to avoid confrontation, but nonetheless fucking stupid. So I gave him a lecture about how lame it was to try and break up over text message, especially when I was doing nothing wrong, and how lame it is to not answer my calls espeically after I drove home (after drinking) just to talk to him. I said if it was a joke it wasn’t very funny. Then he totally apologized. God how lame!!! And he says Im crazy. If this juvenile crap doesn’t stop soon he's done! Theres only so much you can put up with even if he is gorgeous LOL :)

On a good note...

After my previous post where things were all amuck with Steven, we talked, and got a lot of it out but not everything. At least from my perspective. But something that night seemed to be working cuz it was the first time when we were having sex I felt like we were actually making love. It was amazing! So sensuous! Honestly I wasnt sure he had that side, or really liked that kind of sex. I mean, the sex the night before was cant even wait long enuf to get our clothes off, tounge-thrust hot kissing and me riding him and grinding as hard as I could and him slapping my ass sex. Couch sex LOL. Then he comes back the next time with a much more slow and sensual mood...wanted to slow down (ahh I love the slow burn) and lay down real close on top of him so our bodies were pressed together and we could feel eachothers warm skin and body movements and touch eachother intimatly. He kept kissing me real slow and sweet and holding onto my neck and pulling me close to him. We made love for over an hour and I came hard but he never did (drunk?!). So of course he was raring to go after a few hours sleep. I awoke at 5am to him kissing my forehead and stroking my face. It was so sweet- but I knew he had alterior motives! Ya we didnt get much sleep that night :)

Crazy night

Last night Neighbor Boy and I had plans to watch a movie but I ended up going out to dinner with the fam and he ended up going to the bar. So after dinner I went to the bar to find him and when I walked in he was talking to his ex girlfriend and her new boyfriend. Can you say awkward?!! He bought us all a round of shots and was trying to be all buddy-buddy with the guy but it wasn’t really working. Then he said that he and Jenni talked but he wouldn’t tell me what about. and he says hes over it and he doesn’t care but then why was he trying so hard to make friends and hang out with them? and he was even talking to the bartender about her and I overheard a little bit and when I asked about it they both told me "don’t worry about it". well how can I not worry about the fact that he is more concerned with his ex and her new man then he is with me?! Arg. anyways I tried to make nice with them too and they just scowled at me when I tried to talk to them. Ya, it was really awkward.

It was a fun night at the bar there were a lot of people out and a lot of people I know. This guy Derek was there (he knows both Steven and Ryan and has seen me with both). Well he is a cool guy and he was totally hitting on me. Told me I looked sexy and told me I shouldn’t be with Steven cuz he has too many issues and he was all touchy-feely with me. But he has a bitchy little girlfriend so Im not getting involved...plus Ive got too much going on already! Feast or famine right?

A ton of other guys were hitting on me too. I don’t know what it was about last night but I had swarms of them around me LOL! I probably looked nasty too, I was in my softball clothes and all dirty and stuff. Maybe that’s what they liked LOL.

My friend Anna was there also (met her thru Sean) so I talked with her for a long time. Even talked about Sean and she totally badmouthed his new girlfriend and said she likes me a lot more :)

So Steven basically ignored me the whole night…we just each did our own thing…doesn’t even notice that all these guys are hitting on me cuz hes too preoccupied talking to other girls…until the one freakin second I step outside to answer Ryan's phone call. Then of course he notices and calls me up asking me where the fuck I went and why I took only my phone and all this. So I had to hang up on Ryan to answer Steven's call so he wouldn’t be suspicious. Then….

…. who walks into the bar…RYAN! Oh crap. I grabbed his arm when I saw him and he turned around and gave me a big hug and I look up and Steven is standing right there but I don’t know if he saw or not. Oh, OMG this is so weird, Ryan's friend Chad is Steven's new boss! Chad and Ryan were together and when Chad went up to talk to Steven, Ryan went too and for a while the 3 of them were talking and the whole time I was like FUCK FUCK FUCK. Ryan knows who Steven is and what he looks like but Steven has no clue who Ryan is. My saving grace is that Ryan goes by his last name so I don’t think Steven will make the connection. But still- fucking weird!!

Then Ryan took off but he called me again later and left me the sweetest voicemail. Called me baby and used my first name (he usually calls me Murdock or one of his nicknames for me). So I called him back and he was saying "oh we never hang out anymore and I miss you and oh you have a boyfriend now". Then he turned up the song on the radio and started singing to it but sustituing the words and saying stuff about missing me and whatnot. It was so adorable he is such a ham!

I knew this would happen. As soon as I went off to be with someone else he realized his feelings for me. So this is definitely working out to my advantage!

Then Steven and I left and went to my house and talked for a little bit then went to sleep. I asked him why he never says the things he used to- like calling me sweet and sexy and beautiful and saying how much he likes me all the time. What he said really really scares me. He said "well I guess my feelings about you have changed". :( He says he feels like I like him too much for us only knowing eachother 6 weeks. But that’s such a catch 22 cuz hes the one who was so into me in the beginning! (He does have issues for sure). But nonetheless, I guess what Im gonna have to do is play hard to get for a while so he can reel me back in. I just have to be really careful not to cross the line with Ryan cuz I am really tempted to hang out with him, especially if Im gonna cool it a little bit with Steven.

Im very frustrated, dissapointed, and unsure. Steven wants peace and everything to be cool just like I do. He wants me to just chill and not worry about stuff. But its very hard for me to remain cool and calm when Im unsure about the state of things between us. I need reassurance. But the more I worry, the more I annoy him and drive him away. So I guess what I need to do is just back off a bit and if he wants me, he will come to me. VERY hard for me to do but it might be the right move here. What I really want to do is make him see that his issues are whats causing us the problems, not mine, he is so wrapped up in what happened with his ex and his brother's wife and his friends girlfriends and he projects that onto me. I want to make him see that he should look in a mirror every once in a while! But really I think that’s just going to backfire. I think I should just back off and see what happens, knowing that Im doing it by choice which will hopefully give me the power back. I just have to be strong enuf to realize that maybe I have to handle my insecurities on my own and let some stuff go rather than confronting him- only because he is the one who cant handle it, not me. Its either going to take some time and he will come around, or it wont change anything and we still might break up. I hope not, but Im not sure theres any longterm compatibility here. I guess honestly Ive known that from the very beginning :(. So as much as I want him to see my side of things too, maybe I shouldn’t make waves, just ride it out and have fun while it lasts with a hot guy :)

Note to self: Dont date someone 6 years younger than you!!!

Last week he blew me off for 3 days in a row. left him a voicemail Friday night saying I was off work and wanted to go drinking. Didnt hear back from him for hours. Got an invite to our mutual friends house so I sent him a text inviting him. Low and behold- after 3 days of him ignoring me- he calls as soon as I say Im going out to our friends place. So obviously he doesnt give a crap about hanging out with me- he just wanted to go out there. And when I called him out on not calling me back- he said he was preoccupied. i said "preoccupied with what?". he said "drinking". I said "I wanted to drink and I left you a message telling you that!" Brat. Then later that night he apologized for not calling me for 3 days and said I worry too much.

So he stayed the night out there Friday and I didnt hear from him at all after we got back Saturday, even tho he said he would call me when he was done helping his friend move. Ryan called me, so i ended up going to the golf course with him and then to Lonnie and Katie's and then watching movies. While I was watching movies with Ryan, Steven called me, accused me of cheating on him and then didnt answer my call when I got home later, even tho he said he wanted to come over. He was all butthurt because I was out watching movies with friends (he didnt know it was Ryan) and I wasnt immeditately available to see him. It was only an hour but he made a big deal saying he was waiting for me FOREVER. yet he goes out and does whatever he wants with his friends for days at a time.

I called him Sunday morning to ask if he wanted to go fishing and he said no he had to move again but that he would call when he got done. Of course I didnt hear from him again all day. Finally he sent me a text saying he was going fishing. Bastard! I called him because I wanted to go fishing but he didnt answer. Finally about 9pm I heard from him and he came over and I tried to talk to him but he was too busy being immature to listen.

Then last night I called him right as I was getting off of work and then his friend called andhe said he would call me right back. Didnt call me back. So I called him and he said he was going fishing again. He knows Ive been wanting to go really bad! I asked who with and it was a whole group of people so I asked if I could go and his response...."well I was planning on not having you go." Not, "oh maybe next time", or "we are already on our way but you could meet us out there if you want" or "I wasnt planning on having you go". He actually said he was planning on NOT having me there. Well fuck that makes me feel pretty damn unwanted. And hes the one who accuses me of cheating on him!!! Then he said it was a pain in the ass to wait for me. Well he never tells me the plan or what time to be ready yet he expects to just be ready at the drop of a hat. well Im fuckin sorry i didnt know there was fishing happening and Im sorry Im at work and I dont have my fishing stuff with me but if you had told me ahead of time I could have been ready to go! what a jerk. He just totally blew me off and in a mean way. And he said he would call me when he got home but of course he didnt.

Im just sick of it. Hes being a total flake and I told him I hate that. He goes off with his friends and I dont hear from him for days but when I go off and do my own thing he gets all butthurt and accuses me of cheating on him. He says hes gonna do stuff but then he doesnt. He doesnt want me to hang out with his friends or meet his parents or even call me his girlfriend. Hes done unless he shapes up real quick. Why the fuck did I think I could date a 22 year old? He knows nothing about relationships and in fact acts like a girlfriend is the last thing he wants.