Monday, March 30, 2009
Getting closer...or not???
Ok so I really don't know whats going on. He is totally and completely confused and confusing me! Either that or I am just reading him all wrong, which I doubt, since I think ive figured him out pretty well considering we've only been hanging out a few months. Anyways, so this weekend, we spent everyday together! Friday he said he was just gonna chill at his friends house and watch the game but I had different plans. I had talked to our mutual friend earlier and could tell he wanted to escape from his woman and get out. I had been looking forward to hanging out with both of them at the same I get such a kick out of it. Also my sister and her BF would be out so I wanted them all to meet. Plus I had a super long week so I really wanted to just get toasted. It was on!
I called R and told him I was coming into town to talk him into going out. It totally worked! I knew I could convince him. He even said "once I see you I will be into it". Hmmm once you see me huh? ;) S ended up calling us and we drove out to LBG to meet him. It was a pretty fun night. I beat S in pool…people were asking if I was R's GF….I started a tab with my card but the bartenders were calling it both our tab- I must admit I loved hearing our names together!…R's other female interest with even there but he must not have paid much attention to her cuz I didn’t even see him talking to her or notice that she was there. He asked me to give him a kiss on the cheek and was being huggy. We walked a lot and he held my hand the entire time. At one point he said "I have a new idea for US"…to quit smoking…does he really want us to do it together? At one point he was sitting down and I was standing in front of him and he was playing grab ass and we were both drunk I definitely thought we were going home together. We even talked about leaving my car and then what would I do, he said he has a couch or a big king size bed for me to crash with him in! I would have been happy even just cuddling with him but no such luck. He took off earlier than the rest of us so I didn’t get to go home with him :(.
I am trying not to get my hopes up but I see this potentially working out down the road. From what hes been saying to me lately, and the way hes been acting. We spent Friday night, Saturday and Sunday together. We talk several times a day when we arent together. He has been saying he just needs time before he starts another relationship. The way he looks at me…I can just feel our connection when I look into his eyes…we could be so good together…I hope I don’t end up really hurt…
I called R and told him I was coming into town to talk him into going out. It totally worked! I knew I could convince him. He even said "once I see you I will be into it". Hmmm once you see me huh? ;) S ended up calling us and we drove out to LBG to meet him. It was a pretty fun night. I beat S in pool…people were asking if I was R's GF….I started a tab with my card but the bartenders were calling it both our tab- I must admit I loved hearing our names together!…R's other female interest with even there but he must not have paid much attention to her cuz I didn’t even see him talking to her or notice that she was there. He asked me to give him a kiss on the cheek and was being huggy. We walked a lot and he held my hand the entire time. At one point he said "I have a new idea for US"…to quit smoking…does he really want us to do it together? At one point he was sitting down and I was standing in front of him and he was playing grab ass and we were both drunk I definitely thought we were going home together. We even talked about leaving my car and then what would I do, he said he has a couch or a big king size bed for me to crash with him in! I would have been happy even just cuddling with him but no such luck. He took off earlier than the rest of us so I didn’t get to go home with him :(.
I am trying not to get my hopes up but I see this potentially working out down the road. From what hes been saying to me lately, and the way hes been acting. We spent Friday night, Saturday and Sunday together. We talk several times a day when we arent together. He has been saying he just needs time before he starts another relationship. The way he looks at me…I can just feel our connection when I look into his eyes…we could be so good together…I hope I don’t end up really hurt…
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Confusion
Its been a while since Ive written, combination of too busy to use the computer and also not having much new to write about. But oh boy do I have updates now!
St. Patty's Day- seems like Ryan and I always end up being each-other's date for holidays, especially occasions that involve drinking! Anyways we so went out with some friends, had a great time, and got pretty wasted. He had been grabbing on me and joking about doing it but I didnt think he was serious since I thought we'd gone to the friends place since he wasnt into me in that way. Anyways I guess he was serious because we started making out in the car earlier in the night, and then when we got back to his place, instead of me just dropping him off like usual, he had me park and asked me to come up. So we totally had sex! It was pretty good except he had his little problem again and also I ended up with a rug burn and a UTI- sex is hazardous to my health LOL! Anyways I was totally stoked...got to sleep over (he found glitter and stickers in hsi bed the next day LOL...thought we were gonna start it up again and that maybe I was wrong in thinking that he wasnt into me....
Things continued to get better. We'd been talking on the phone and seeing each-other quite bit. He was being so adorable! Then one night we actually had a conversation about the state of things, and I cannot believe he realized and verbalized this- but here goes....
He said straight to my face- "You're so awesome....I know Ive been a jerk to you....but we obviously connect."
WOW. I couldnt believe it! Its exactly what Id been wanting to hear but thought I never would.
Then- what I view as HUGE development- he invited me to meet his son!
After all of these positive things happening, I was starting to think that maybe his confusion was starting to clear. Well, my positivity and happiness was short lived. Now I am the one who is confused.
Last night we were hanging out with a friend of his. This friend apparently really likes me. He keeps telling Ryan how awesome I am and how I have him figured out and how feisty I am and how he has met his match. He kept saying how impressed he is by me and how he likes me in Ryan's life. He's not the only person to ever mention something like this. A lot of people have told ryan he's a dumbass for not wanting to be with me. When we are together everyone assumes we are a couple and says how cute we are. But, I guess other people's opinions don't really matter, although I wish they would sway him, his opinion of me is really all that matters. And after what I overheard last night, I'm pretty sure I know where I stand with him.
I was out on the porch smoking and Ryan and his friend were inside talking about me and I don't think they realized I could hear them. His friend said "wow shes amazing, shes a feisty one, you've got your hands full"...and he said "ya but ishkibsienjndun" and his friend said "well it would take a uhiebribn9dna9n to turn you on!" and they both laughed, so although I didnt quite catch it all Im pretty sure he said "ya but she just doesnt turn me on". :( :( :( This I guess I knew, but thought maybe I was wrong after we had sex again, but now come to find out my fears are true and it was so hard to hear him say that. After that I came back inside, chugged my drink, and took off- almost in tears. I resisted all tempation to drunk text him. I didnt and I havent and I am not planning on it.
I am pissed. So WTF was the sex the other night all about? Just drunk and horny and needed to get laid? Hadnt gotten it from anyone else so used me as his fallback? Knew I was available and would do it??? Im just very upset. I thought he was coming around. I thought his confusion was starting to clear. We were acting more like BF-GF. But, assuming what I thought I heard last night is what I really heard, it looking like friends is all we will be. :( :( :( I really like this one, he really likes my personality, we get along so well, we do connect, and I think we would be very good together. But I guess Im simply not hot enough for him.
I wish he would quit giving me the speech about how he doesnt want a girlfriend and just wants to concentrate on being a dad right now. Thats such BS. I know its not that he doesnt want a GF, he just doesnt want me to be his GF! Just come and out and say it, what i already know, you're just not that into me. Quit lying to try and not hurt my feelings. This hurts worse.
St. Patty's Day- seems like Ryan and I always end up being each-other's date for holidays, especially occasions that involve drinking! Anyways we so went out with some friends, had a great time, and got pretty wasted. He had been grabbing on me and joking about doing it but I didnt think he was serious since I thought we'd gone to the friends place since he wasnt into me in that way. Anyways I guess he was serious because we started making out in the car earlier in the night, and then when we got back to his place, instead of me just dropping him off like usual, he had me park and asked me to come up. So we totally had sex! It was pretty good except he had his little problem again and also I ended up with a rug burn and a UTI- sex is hazardous to my health LOL! Anyways I was totally stoked...got to sleep over (he found glitter and stickers in hsi bed the next day LOL...thought we were gonna start it up again and that maybe I was wrong in thinking that he wasnt into me....
Things continued to get better. We'd been talking on the phone and seeing each-other quite bit. He was being so adorable! Then one night we actually had a conversation about the state of things, and I cannot believe he realized and verbalized this- but here goes....
He said straight to my face- "You're so awesome....I know Ive been a jerk to you....but we obviously connect."
WOW. I couldnt believe it! Its exactly what Id been wanting to hear but thought I never would.
Then- what I view as HUGE development- he invited me to meet his son!
After all of these positive things happening, I was starting to think that maybe his confusion was starting to clear. Well, my positivity and happiness was short lived. Now I am the one who is confused.
Last night we were hanging out with a friend of his. This friend apparently really likes me. He keeps telling Ryan how awesome I am and how I have him figured out and how feisty I am and how he has met his match. He kept saying how impressed he is by me and how he likes me in Ryan's life. He's not the only person to ever mention something like this. A lot of people have told ryan he's a dumbass for not wanting to be with me. When we are together everyone assumes we are a couple and says how cute we are. But, I guess other people's opinions don't really matter, although I wish they would sway him, his opinion of me is really all that matters. And after what I overheard last night, I'm pretty sure I know where I stand with him.
I was out on the porch smoking and Ryan and his friend were inside talking about me and I don't think they realized I could hear them. His friend said "wow shes amazing, shes a feisty one, you've got your hands full"...and he said "ya but ishkibsienjndun" and his friend said "well it would take a uhiebribn9dna9n to turn you on!" and they both laughed, so although I didnt quite catch it all Im pretty sure he said "ya but she just doesnt turn me on". :( :( :( This I guess I knew, but thought maybe I was wrong after we had sex again, but now come to find out my fears are true and it was so hard to hear him say that. After that I came back inside, chugged my drink, and took off- almost in tears. I resisted all tempation to drunk text him. I didnt and I havent and I am not planning on it.
I am pissed. So WTF was the sex the other night all about? Just drunk and horny and needed to get laid? Hadnt gotten it from anyone else so used me as his fallback? Knew I was available and would do it??? Im just very upset. I thought he was coming around. I thought his confusion was starting to clear. We were acting more like BF-GF. But, assuming what I thought I heard last night is what I really heard, it looking like friends is all we will be. :( :( :( I really like this one, he really likes my personality, we get along so well, we do connect, and I think we would be very good together. But I guess Im simply not hot enough for him.
I wish he would quit giving me the speech about how he doesnt want a girlfriend and just wants to concentrate on being a dad right now. Thats such BS. I know its not that he doesnt want a GF, he just doesnt want me to be his GF! Just come and out and say it, what i already know, you're just not that into me. Quit lying to try and not hurt my feelings. This hurts worse.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Crap...man crap...life crap...all at once CRAP!
I don't even know where to begin its been a while since I've blogged. That may because when I am hurting I have a tendency to want to retract from the world, and from myself, and from my problems. I detach when I should face them head-on. I guess one part of facing them head-on is talking about them, and/or thinking about them. Remember a while back when I mentioned that everything seems to happen at once?! Well its so true what the hell is up?!
A couple weeks ago, my nice quiet Friday afternoon at work was interrupted by my boss calling me into his office and bringing me to tears by basically telling me that mgmt doesn't have faith that I will ever get to the level I need to be at work. They want to "narrow" my role- whatever that means. To me it feels like a demotion although they say that’s not what it is. Anyways its causing me a lot of angst for a lot of reasons. One, because I was getting to the point of thinking that this place is not so bad and maybe I would like to make a career here. And now that I doubt my long-term happiness and success here, I am debating whether or not to even stay in this town, whether or not to build a house, etc. It just changes everything for me and makes me realize how NOT together I am. I don't know what I want to do with my life, I have no clear path, no plan, no concrete goals. It seems like everyone around me has it so together and has these perfectly happy lives, and I feel so lost, so hopeless, so despondant.
So needless to say what was going to be a fun Friday night turned into one of the worst nights of my life. I was upset, and for some reason naturally wanted to run to Ryan, but he ended up not being there for me because he said he got sick of waiting for me to call him so he made other plans. I see his side of the story but if you ask me that wasn’t a normal situation- he knew I was hurting and it was hard for me to let him know that- and I feel like he rejected me. He is in a very selfish, immature, and self-absorbed place…or that’s who he is I don’t know…but he is turning out to be much flakier than I ever expected. It used to piss me off, and still kind of does, but in trying to call him out on that I have only caused drama and complication and he probably thinks Im crazy. Ive come to realize I don’t think hes ever going to understand where I am coming from when I say that behavior bothers me, and he is certainly not going to change. So, Ive realized if I want to be friends with him that I cant expect anything out of him except that he will be non-committal, flaky, and unpredictable. I am starting to understand why his ex would call him that!
Anyways that night only became worse when he ditched me. I spent the night in bed, crying, thinking, texting Travis. (he helped me- he was the only one there for me- what a sweetie). The next day I told Ryan I was sorry I didn’t clal him in time but I did really need him to be there for me, and he did apologize, maybe he really does care about me? Sometimes he seems apologetic and explains it as "crap going on in his life", but really IDK…is crap going on in your life a reason not to answer someone's phone call? Really I just don’t think he has the capacity to be there for me, which sucks, because he and I are both going through rough patches in our life and I sense that he needs someone to really talk to and who will genuinely care and listen, but I need to be careful about doing this for others but not getting anything in return…I know this is my nature but this path has only led me to heartache.
The next day he invited me over and we started drinking at like 3pm. We had a great day and were out all night. He was kissing me, grabbing me, flirting with me, calling me baby, everything seemed fine. We even had one of those great, deep talks while sitting in the car. Then he started acting really weird, saying he didn’t want to have sex with me, not touching me, acting the next morning like he couldn’t get out of there fast enough. So, really that was the end of our sexual relationship as far as I can tell. His attitude towards me completely changed. He just wants to be friends. I am very saddened, dissapointed, and hurt…and I almost feel taken advantage of…like what were you doing in the beginning then? just using me for sex!? That’s what I feel like. Did I do something so wrong to turn him off all of a sudden? He claims he doesn’t want a GF, but I know that’s crap, I can tell hes the kind of guy that needs a GF in his life, plus he is interested in someone else (even tho he tells me they are just friends)…so basically what hes saying is not that he doesn’t want a GF, he just doesn’t want me to be his GF. What a jackass. I just want to tell him off! I could be the perfect girl for him, but I must not be hot enough to fill the shoes of his ex, he must be holding out until he finds that perfect girl…that perfect girl doesn’t exist. Apparently he likes them hot and bitchy with a few screws loose…oh yeah and a side of "make him feel like dog shit". But whatever he has apparently made his mind up about me and now all I get out of the deal is to be friends….on his terms…when he wants to hang out…and I get to listen to all his crap but he doesn’t listen to mine in return. You know…this is enlightening…I am wondering why the fuck am I even doing this? Is laughing at him and getting to look at him good enough reason to remain friends???
A couple weeks ago, my nice quiet Friday afternoon at work was interrupted by my boss calling me into his office and bringing me to tears by basically telling me that mgmt doesn't have faith that I will ever get to the level I need to be at work. They want to "narrow" my role- whatever that means. To me it feels like a demotion although they say that’s not what it is. Anyways its causing me a lot of angst for a lot of reasons. One, because I was getting to the point of thinking that this place is not so bad and maybe I would like to make a career here. And now that I doubt my long-term happiness and success here, I am debating whether or not to even stay in this town, whether or not to build a house, etc. It just changes everything for me and makes me realize how NOT together I am. I don't know what I want to do with my life, I have no clear path, no plan, no concrete goals. It seems like everyone around me has it so together and has these perfectly happy lives, and I feel so lost, so hopeless, so despondant.
So needless to say what was going to be a fun Friday night turned into one of the worst nights of my life. I was upset, and for some reason naturally wanted to run to Ryan, but he ended up not being there for me because he said he got sick of waiting for me to call him so he made other plans. I see his side of the story but if you ask me that wasn’t a normal situation- he knew I was hurting and it was hard for me to let him know that- and I feel like he rejected me. He is in a very selfish, immature, and self-absorbed place…or that’s who he is I don’t know…but he is turning out to be much flakier than I ever expected. It used to piss me off, and still kind of does, but in trying to call him out on that I have only caused drama and complication and he probably thinks Im crazy. Ive come to realize I don’t think hes ever going to understand where I am coming from when I say that behavior bothers me, and he is certainly not going to change. So, Ive realized if I want to be friends with him that I cant expect anything out of him except that he will be non-committal, flaky, and unpredictable. I am starting to understand why his ex would call him that!
Anyways that night only became worse when he ditched me. I spent the night in bed, crying, thinking, texting Travis. (he helped me- he was the only one there for me- what a sweetie). The next day I told Ryan I was sorry I didn’t clal him in time but I did really need him to be there for me, and he did apologize, maybe he really does care about me? Sometimes he seems apologetic and explains it as "crap going on in his life", but really IDK…is crap going on in your life a reason not to answer someone's phone call? Really I just don’t think he has the capacity to be there for me, which sucks, because he and I are both going through rough patches in our life and I sense that he needs someone to really talk to and who will genuinely care and listen, but I need to be careful about doing this for others but not getting anything in return…I know this is my nature but this path has only led me to heartache.
The next day he invited me over and we started drinking at like 3pm. We had a great day and were out all night. He was kissing me, grabbing me, flirting with me, calling me baby, everything seemed fine. We even had one of those great, deep talks while sitting in the car. Then he started acting really weird, saying he didn’t want to have sex with me, not touching me, acting the next morning like he couldn’t get out of there fast enough. So, really that was the end of our sexual relationship as far as I can tell. His attitude towards me completely changed. He just wants to be friends. I am very saddened, dissapointed, and hurt…and I almost feel taken advantage of…like what were you doing in the beginning then? just using me for sex!? That’s what I feel like. Did I do something so wrong to turn him off all of a sudden? He claims he doesn’t want a GF, but I know that’s crap, I can tell hes the kind of guy that needs a GF in his life, plus he is interested in someone else (even tho he tells me they are just friends)…so basically what hes saying is not that he doesn’t want a GF, he just doesn’t want me to be his GF. What a jackass. I just want to tell him off! I could be the perfect girl for him, but I must not be hot enough to fill the shoes of his ex, he must be holding out until he finds that perfect girl…that perfect girl doesn’t exist. Apparently he likes them hot and bitchy with a few screws loose…oh yeah and a side of "make him feel like dog shit". But whatever he has apparently made his mind up about me and now all I get out of the deal is to be friends….on his terms…when he wants to hang out…and I get to listen to all his crap but he doesn’t listen to mine in return. You know…this is enlightening…I am wondering why the fuck am I even doing this? Is laughing at him and getting to look at him good enough reason to remain friends???
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