Confusion

Its been a while since Ive written, combination of too busy to use the computer and also not having much new to write about. But oh boy do I have updates now!

St. Patty's Day- seems like Ryan and I always end up being each-other's date for holidays, especially occasions that involve drinking! Anyways we so went out with some friends, had a great time, and got pretty wasted. He had been grabbing on me and joking about doing it but I didnt think he was serious since I thought we'd gone to the friends place since he wasnt into me in that way. Anyways I guess he was serious because we started making out in the car earlier in the night, and then when we got back to his place, instead of me just dropping him off like usual, he had me park and asked me to come up. So we totally had sex! It was pretty good except he had his little problem again and also I ended up with a rug burn and a UTI- sex is hazardous to my health LOL! Anyways I was totally stoked...got to sleep over (he found glitter and stickers in hsi bed the next day LOL...thought we were gonna start it up again and that maybe I was wrong in thinking that he wasnt into me....

Things continued to get better. We'd been talking on the phone and seeing each-other quite bit. He was being so adorable! Then one night we actually had a conversation about the state of things, and I cannot believe he realized and verbalized this- but here goes....

He said straight to my face- "You're so awesome....I know Ive been a jerk to you....but we obviously connect."

WOW. I couldnt believe it! Its exactly what Id been wanting to hear but thought I never would.

Then- what I view as HUGE development- he invited me to meet his son!

After all of these positive things happening, I was starting to think that maybe his confusion was starting to clear. Well, my positivity and happiness was short lived. Now I am the one who is confused.

Last night we were hanging out with a friend of his. This friend apparently really likes me. He keeps telling Ryan how awesome I am and how I have him figured out and how feisty I am and how he has met his match. He kept saying how impressed he is by me and how he likes me in Ryan's life. He's not the only person to ever mention something like this. A lot of people have told ryan he's a dumbass for not wanting to be with me. When we are together everyone assumes we are a couple and says how cute we are. But, I guess other people's opinions don't really matter, although I wish they would sway him, his opinion of me is really all that matters. And after what I overheard last night, I'm pretty sure I know where I stand with him.

I was out on the porch smoking and Ryan and his friend were inside talking about me and I don't think they realized I could hear them. His friend said "wow shes amazing, shes a feisty one, you've got your hands full"...and he said "ya but ishkibsienjndun" and his friend said "well it would take a uhiebribn9dna9n to turn you on!" and they both laughed, so although I didnt quite catch it all Im pretty sure he said "ya but she just doesnt turn me on". :( :( :( This I guess I knew, but thought maybe I was wrong after we had sex again, but now come to find out my fears are true and it was so hard to hear him say that. After that I came back inside, chugged my drink, and took off- almost in tears. I resisted all tempation to drunk text him. I didnt and I havent and I am not planning on it.

I am pissed. So WTF was the sex the other night all about? Just drunk and horny and needed to get laid? Hadnt gotten it from anyone else so used me as his fallback? Knew I was available and would do it??? Im just very upset. I thought he was coming around. I thought his confusion was starting to clear. We were acting more like BF-GF. But, assuming what I thought I heard last night is what I really heard, it looking like friends is all we will be. :( :( :( I really like this one, he really likes my personality, we get along so well, we do connect, and I think we would be very good together. But I guess Im simply not hot enough for him.

I wish he would quit giving me the speech about how he doesnt want a girlfriend and just wants to concentrate on being a dad right now. Thats such BS. I know its not that he doesnt want a GF, he just doesnt want me to be his GF! Just come and out and say it, what i already know, you're just not that into me. Quit lying to try and not hurt my feelings. This hurts worse.