I'm a double dipper!!!

God I am such an idiot!!! Steven (aka Neighbor Boy) is absolutely amazing and wonderful and sweet and hot and fun and totally digs me and I did the one thing that is his greatest fear! I double dipped!! With Ryan!!! AHHH WTF am I doing?!?!? You dumbass!!! you are going to fuck it all up! I mean, are you so afraid of commitment that you purposley fuck shit up? Do you think you don’t deserve happiness or what?!? Even tho we arent officially together yet, he doesn’t deserve me to do this to him!

How it happened…I could tell Ryan had been feeling badly about ditching out on my bday and he was surprised I still wanted to be his friend. He called me last night after work and asked me to come meet him at the bar (LOL 3rd night in a row at that bar). We had a few drinks with some of his co-workers and boss and then he invited me back to his place. He sat down on the couch and I went and cuddled up next to him. He told me I shouldn’t do that very long because it would make him horny LOL! Well I did it anyway. I kissed him (ARG!) and one thing led to another and pretty soon he picked me up and carried me to his bed :)

So, that was BAD but one good thing did come out of the night- we actually had a great talk. He apologized about my bday and said he had been feeling bad about it and explained further about his situation. I told him I understand his situation and that I like him a lot and would be willing to wait if I felt there was hope, but that my hope was quickly diminishing. He just doesn’t have anything to give back right now, and I don't think I can do that, despite how much I like him.

BTW- his friend thinks he does like me and sees we have a connection :)

Anyways….we had a great talk and he spoke his peace and I spoke mine and I took a deep breath and told him about Steven. I told him I would like to wait for you but not if Im getting anything back at all and I met a guy who totally digs me and wants to be with me, so I didn’t know what to do. I was afraid he would feel like I was putting him on the spot or giving some sort of ultimatum, so I wrote this email to him…..

Ok we are bad!!! :) But hey I just wanted to let you know that last night when I told you about this other guy I wasn’t trying to give you an ultimatum or anything like that. I just thought you should know. I understand where you are coming from with your situation and I cant say Im not dissapointed but also I am not going to let that stop me from getting to know a guy who really digs me. If things work out between us down the road, that’s awesome, but if not Im fine with that too. Whatever happens is meant to happen. As long as you are in my life in some way I will be happy :) ok?

and here is his reply…..

Yes this i know! That is the coolest thing you have said and not trying to put that into jerk format either! Thanks for understanding were i am in my life and don't be afraid to move on. I will still be your friend your a cool girl but like we mentioned last nite i have commitment issues right now. So lets get Fost in the Lifties hell yeah! Its going to be a nice day outside and i'm pumped for a 3 some J/K lol!! Have a good day and will talk to ya later.

After we did it I went home and went to bed. I really wanted to see Steven but I felt so nasty thinking about doing two guys a matter of hours apart (been there- don’t want to do again!). Plus I just couldn’t do that to Steven. But he ended up calling me after he got home from the bar around 1am. He came over and we talked for a bit then passed out. It was soooo weird tho he brought up the whole double-dipping thing! God is amazingly perceptive and "just knew" or was it coincedence? Either way it made me feel like a giant piece of crap. I lied to him in 3 ways. I told him I havent double dipped and wont double dip and won't lie to him about double dipping if he asks me. He flat out asked me if I have! FUCK! I knew that was a bad decision but I did it anyway….but the sad thing is I like Steven ALOT and I don’t like Ryan enough to throw away what I have with Steven for one night of (so so) sex.

So, TripleSGirl, let this be lesson learned and stay true to yourself and your man and give him what he deserves because I'm thinking if I play it right this could be really good!!!
BIG potential problem tho….I kinda sorta told Ryan I would hang with him tonight for the festivities and then also asked Steven. FUCK. Ryan knows Steven will be there, he even said he would probably see me with another guy and get jealous and decide he wants me (I almost hope that happens, ya Im a sicko, its not that I invite drama but I have to admit I want two hot cool guys chasing after me!). But Steven has absolutely no idea about Ryan and I think it would hurt his feelings to know it was THE Ryan so I might have to either ditch Ryan or keep it on the DL thats who he is. This could get interesting. DUMBASS!!!