Infedelity and sexual pasts....

As Ive been milling over the events of the last couple days, I can't help but feel like maybe I deserve whats been happening because I've been unfaithful. No matter how I justified it at the time, what it boils down to is that I shouldn't have done it. And now I'm worried that Steven has done/is doing/plans on doing the exact same thing. And while that makes me sick to my stomach and like I want to pummel him- I have to realize that maybe I deserve it. Turnabouts fair play. I'm a cheater cheater cheater! FUCK! Someone I never wanted to be. And something I never wanted to be on the receiving end of. But I think I have to come to terms with the fact that I may be. I dont want to jump to conclusions, but also I cant be naive. I mean, he is 22. He is hot. He can get pretty drunk sometimes. Plus- I cant possibly be enough to satisfy him!

Last night he came over, despite Lisa telling me I should ignore him for a couple days to give him a wake up call. I just couldnt do that, I wanted so badly just to make things better again so I didnt have to go around with a knot in my stomach. If it ends, it ends, but I wasnt going to let it end on a completely retarded note for no apparent reason! We had a good night last night. He kinda talked about what had been going on but not in a real serious or intense way- which is I think the way to approach him. We called eachother out on shit but in a friendly, joking way to where I think we each got the point but it didnt turn nasty or stupid.

We cuddled real close on the couch and it felt so good to just be in his arms- something I wasnt sure would ever happen again. Then he started messing around with me like he normally does, getting me all turned on. Before he came over I wasnt in the mood and I wasnt going to let him back in my pants that easily- but I admit, I caved. Hes just so good at turning me on! And once we got started I realized how badly I did want it and it had been over a week. He kept pulling me close and kissing me and using his fingers on me until I was so wet neither of us could stand it anymore. It was couch sex- quick and thrusty and awesome! And our orgasms were perfectly timed together! It was amazing and I loved it :)

We went back to cuddling and watching the movie then we started wrestling and messing around again. He was tickling me like crazy and I was screaming and screeching so much I was afraid the neighbor would come to see what was up! We started talking again and I dont know how it came up but he mentioned the name of the "buddy" he left my bed to go drink with the other night and used the pronoun SHE. WTF?! Oakley is a girl! I knew it! I got playfully pissed and he knew it! He knew he was being kinda shady that he didnt tell me he was going to hang out with female friends! Then he started volunteering information...."well we dated in high school but we never fucked". Oh great, Steven, that makes me feel a lot better. So that means since you never fucked you probably still hold a torch for her. I wasnt all that pissed that he left when i thought it was dudes he was going to hang out with. But now that I know he left my bed to go get drunk with an ex girlfriend?? Hmmm Im not sure if Im cool with that. It would so not be cool for him to have someone on the side after he gives me so much shit about it. Oh, and then he told me he cheated on 2 girlfriends. Great. "Friends" with exes, a cheating past, accusing me of doing it, and getting bent out of shape when I confront him. I have to say the signs dont line up in my favor. I think its possible that we are both in crazy town if we believe we are in a monogamous relationship.

But maybe I shouldnt put too much stock in his past. I wish he wouldnt put so much stock in mine, altho I know he does, cuz guys want to believe that no other man's naked body has touched yours and somehow you've been magically saving yourself all these yours for only them. They especially dont want to know or be friends with any of the guys from your past, which unfortunately happens in a small town....also a bi-product of me and others being a big mouth!!!

***Note to self, lesson for next time, dont tell new man about old men unless they ask!!!***

What i really want to tell Steven is not to trip about my past. Ya, some of the guys he happens to know. But its a small town and I probably know some of his girls too. I want to tell him that I slept with those guys for all the wrong reasons. Its not because I was some out-of-control hyper sexual slut who couldnt get enough of the strange dick. Its because Im an easily-persuaded person who got roped into it. I just went it with it because I thought the guys wanted me. I thought oh maybe this one will really love me and care for me. I was just desperately grasping for the love and solid connection I seek And the more guys I had casual sex with, the worse I felt about myself and the less confidence I had to know I was better than that. The more guys that dropped me after they got want they wanted out of me, the lower I felt. I wondered, why am I not worthy of love? So the more desperate and despondant I felt, the more easily I was persuaded by these guys to just do what they wanted. Ya, it sucks. Its not a path you want to go down. But the good thing, Im smarter than that now. I have the life experience to realize what those guys were really after and Im smart enuf to avoid that now. But I am still struggling with the confidence issues, and telling myself I deserve only the best. I still let guys walk all over me sometimes, and I still sometimes get left in the dust, but my slutty past is far behind me and I wish he could somehow know that.