I don't even know where to begin its been a while since I've blogged. That may because when I am hurting I have a tendency to want to retract from the world, and from myself, and from my problems. I detach when I should face them head-on. I guess one part of facing them head-on is talking about them, and/or thinking about them. Remember a while back when I mentioned that everything seems to happen at once?! Well its so true what the hell is up?!
A couple weeks ago, my nice quiet Friday afternoon at work was interrupted by my boss calling me into his office and bringing me to tears by basically telling me that mgmt doesn't have faith that I will ever get to the level I need to be at work. They want to "narrow" my role- whatever that means. To me it feels like a demotion although they say that’s not what it is. Anyways its causing me a lot of angst for a lot of reasons. One, because I was getting to the point of thinking that this place is not so bad and maybe I would like to make a career here. And now that I doubt my long-term happiness and success here, I am debating whether or not to even stay in this town, whether or not to build a house, etc. It just changes everything for me and makes me realize how NOT together I am. I don't know what I want to do with my life, I have no clear path, no plan, no concrete goals. It seems like everyone around me has it so together and has these perfectly happy lives, and I feel so lost, so hopeless, so despondant.
So needless to say what was going to be a fun Friday night turned into one of the worst nights of my life. I was upset, and for some reason naturally wanted to run to Ryan, but he ended up not being there for me because he said he got sick of waiting for me to call him so he made other plans. I see his side of the story but if you ask me that wasn’t a normal situation- he knew I was hurting and it was hard for me to let him know that- and I feel like he rejected me. He is in a very selfish, immature, and self-absorbed place…or that’s who he is I don’t know…but he is turning out to be much flakier than I ever expected. It used to piss me off, and still kind of does, but in trying to call him out on that I have only caused drama and complication and he probably thinks Im crazy. Ive come to realize I don’t think hes ever going to understand where I am coming from when I say that behavior bothers me, and he is certainly not going to change. So, Ive realized if I want to be friends with him that I cant expect anything out of him except that he will be non-committal, flaky, and unpredictable. I am starting to understand why his ex would call him that!
Anyways that night only became worse when he ditched me. I spent the night in bed, crying, thinking, texting Travis. (he helped me- he was the only one there for me- what a sweetie). The next day I told Ryan I was sorry I didn’t clal him in time but I did really need him to be there for me, and he did apologize, maybe he really does care about me? Sometimes he seems apologetic and explains it as "crap going on in his life", but really IDK…is crap going on in your life a reason not to answer someone's phone call? Really I just don’t think he has the capacity to be there for me, which sucks, because he and I are both going through rough patches in our life and I sense that he needs someone to really talk to and who will genuinely care and listen, but I need to be careful about doing this for others but not getting anything in return…I know this is my nature but this path has only led me to heartache.
The next day he invited me over and we started drinking at like 3pm. We had a great day and were out all night. He was kissing me, grabbing me, flirting with me, calling me baby, everything seemed fine. We even had one of those great, deep talks while sitting in the car. Then he started acting really weird, saying he didn’t want to have sex with me, not touching me, acting the next morning like he couldn’t get out of there fast enough. So, really that was the end of our sexual relationship as far as I can tell. His attitude towards me completely changed. He just wants to be friends. I am very saddened, dissapointed, and hurt…and I almost feel taken advantage of…like what were you doing in the beginning then? just using me for sex!? That’s what I feel like. Did I do something so wrong to turn him off all of a sudden? He claims he doesn’t want a GF, but I know that’s crap, I can tell hes the kind of guy that needs a GF in his life, plus he is interested in someone else (even tho he tells me they are just friends)…so basically what hes saying is not that he doesn’t want a GF, he just doesn’t want me to be his GF. What a jackass. I just want to tell him off! I could be the perfect girl for him, but I must not be hot enough to fill the shoes of his ex, he must be holding out until he finds that perfect girl…that perfect girl doesn’t exist. Apparently he likes them hot and bitchy with a few screws loose…oh yeah and a side of "make him feel like dog shit". But whatever he has apparently made his mind up about me and now all I get out of the deal is to be friends….on his terms…when he wants to hang out…and I get to listen to all his crap but he doesn’t listen to mine in return. You know…this is enlightening…I am wondering why the fuck am I even doing this? Is laughing at him and getting to look at him good enough reason to remain friends???
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