To make waves or not to make waves?

Not much to report right now. Things are actually going pretty well. Steven showed his compassionate side by taking care of a very drunk me last weekend! And I returned the favor by picking up his drunk ass from the bar a few days later. I wish I could spend more time with him, I mean we are both unemployed its not like we have any real commitments! So while I would like to take advantage of this time he doesnt seem to want to. It seems business as usual for him, which means having plenty of space. Which I dont get, after what all Lisa has told me about how he was with his ex. It seems with her he couldnt get enough...always wanted to be with her...always wanted to hang out with her and her friends...letting her drive his car all the time, etc etc. Well, he barely lets me drive his car, only 3x has he let me. The first time as a birthday present, the second time just a quickie beer run, and the third time cuz we were out in BFE and we onky had his car and I wanted to go back into town but he didnt. Then he turns around and lets Lisa drive it on 6 hour roadtrip. Whatever. So that kind of pisses me off. And he was so clingy with his ex, and now he accuses me of being that way. So I dont understand how he can be one extreme with her and another extreme with me. Maybe Im taking it too personally, but it makes me think that he doesnt feel as strongly about me as he did her; that he doesnt like me as much. I mean some days it feels like he wants nothing to do with me and that he is only in this for the sex. I mean, we never talk about anything serious or deep, I have never really heard him refer to me as his girlfriend, he doesnt go out of his way for me at all, and in fact half the time seems downright annoyed with me. he wont meet my parents- even after I told him they called him a wuss! Maybe I am reading things all wrong because sometimes he acts really into me, and he was especially in the beginning. I want to find out what he thinks and feels, where this is going, what he wants, etc. But I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place because I feel like I cant talk to him about anything. Anytime I try to talk about anything he just shuts down and gets pissed and says he hates this part of relationships. And if I express my negative feelings about something he thinks Im freaking out and he freaks out. He just cant handle it. And altho sometimes making waves isnt worth it (I prefer everything to just be cool calm and good), I cant let my feelings get ignored, which I promised myself I wouldnt let that happen anymore. So I think i need to try and talk to him, I mean its been 6 months, I think I deserve that at least. I think I will sit him down and tell him that there is stuff I need to say but I feel like I cant talk to him and just see what he says. I do like him, a lot, and I never thought it would get this far because I didnt think there was any long term compatibility. And I guess Im still wondering if thats still the case and we are drawing out the inevitable here. I dont want to be together out of boredome or convienence or just for sex. I want to be together because we really like eachother and are interested by eachother and have a desire to be together with only eachother. So I hope this is what he is feeling but I think I have to come to terms with the fact that this may just be for fun and that it will, in due time, end. So thats one other reason Ive been letting a lot stuff slide and not make waves, cuz I want our time together to be good if its going to be short. But now I think is the time to maybe make a few waves....

Infedelity and sexual pasts....

As Ive been milling over the events of the last couple days, I can't help but feel like maybe I deserve whats been happening because I've been unfaithful. No matter how I justified it at the time, what it boils down to is that I shouldn't have done it. And now I'm worried that Steven has done/is doing/plans on doing the exact same thing. And while that makes me sick to my stomach and like I want to pummel him- I have to realize that maybe I deserve it. Turnabouts fair play. I'm a cheater cheater cheater! FUCK! Someone I never wanted to be. And something I never wanted to be on the receiving end of. But I think I have to come to terms with the fact that I may be. I dont want to jump to conclusions, but also I cant be naive. I mean, he is 22. He is hot. He can get pretty drunk sometimes. Plus- I cant possibly be enough to satisfy him!

Last night he came over, despite Lisa telling me I should ignore him for a couple days to give him a wake up call. I just couldnt do that, I wanted so badly just to make things better again so I didnt have to go around with a knot in my stomach. If it ends, it ends, but I wasnt going to let it end on a completely retarded note for no apparent reason! We had a good night last night. He kinda talked about what had been going on but not in a real serious or intense way- which is I think the way to approach him. We called eachother out on shit but in a friendly, joking way to where I think we each got the point but it didnt turn nasty or stupid.

We cuddled real close on the couch and it felt so good to just be in his arms- something I wasnt sure would ever happen again. Then he started messing around with me like he normally does, getting me all turned on. Before he came over I wasnt in the mood and I wasnt going to let him back in my pants that easily- but I admit, I caved. Hes just so good at turning me on! And once we got started I realized how badly I did want it and it had been over a week. He kept pulling me close and kissing me and using his fingers on me until I was so wet neither of us could stand it anymore. It was couch sex- quick and thrusty and awesome! And our orgasms were perfectly timed together! It was amazing and I loved it :)

We went back to cuddling and watching the movie then we started wrestling and messing around again. He was tickling me like crazy and I was screaming and screeching so much I was afraid the neighbor would come to see what was up! We started talking again and I dont know how it came up but he mentioned the name of the "buddy" he left my bed to go drink with the other night and used the pronoun SHE. WTF?! Oakley is a girl! I knew it! I got playfully pissed and he knew it! He knew he was being kinda shady that he didnt tell me he was going to hang out with female friends! Then he started volunteering information...."well we dated in high school but we never fucked". Oh great, Steven, that makes me feel a lot better. So that means since you never fucked you probably still hold a torch for her. I wasnt all that pissed that he left when i thought it was dudes he was going to hang out with. But now that I know he left my bed to go get drunk with an ex girlfriend?? Hmmm Im not sure if Im cool with that. It would so not be cool for him to have someone on the side after he gives me so much shit about it. Oh, and then he told me he cheated on 2 girlfriends. Great. "Friends" with exes, a cheating past, accusing me of doing it, and getting bent out of shape when I confront him. I have to say the signs dont line up in my favor. I think its possible that we are both in crazy town if we believe we are in a monogamous relationship.

But maybe I shouldnt put too much stock in his past. I wish he wouldnt put so much stock in mine, altho I know he does, cuz guys want to believe that no other man's naked body has touched yours and somehow you've been magically saving yourself all these yours for only them. They especially dont want to know or be friends with any of the guys from your past, which unfortunately happens in a small town....also a bi-product of me and others being a big mouth!!!

***Note to self, lesson for next time, dont tell new man about old men unless they ask!!!***

What i really want to tell Steven is not to trip about my past. Ya, some of the guys he happens to know. But its a small town and I probably know some of his girls too. I want to tell him that I slept with those guys for all the wrong reasons. Its not because I was some out-of-control hyper sexual slut who couldnt get enough of the strange dick. Its because Im an easily-persuaded person who got roped into it. I just went it with it because I thought the guys wanted me. I thought oh maybe this one will really love me and care for me. I was just desperately grasping for the love and solid connection I seek And the more guys I had casual sex with, the worse I felt about myself and the less confidence I had to know I was better than that. The more guys that dropped me after they got want they wanted out of me, the lower I felt. I wondered, why am I not worthy of love? So the more desperate and despondant I felt, the more easily I was persuaded by these guys to just do what they wanted. Ya, it sucks. Its not a path you want to go down. But the good thing, Im smarter than that now. I have the life experience to realize what those guys were really after and Im smart enuf to avoid that now. But I am still struggling with the confidence issues, and telling myself I deserve only the best. I still let guys walk all over me sometimes, and I still sometimes get left in the dust, but my slutty past is far behind me and I wish he could somehow know that.

WTF weekend

Ok, readers, if I have any! Hopefully you have been keeping up on my saga because here is where I need some advice regarding Main Man, Neighbor Boy, Steven. Up until last week things had been great. Then it all started to get really stupid really fast. All of this on the heels of me deciding once and for all to stop messing around with the other guy cuz he deserves my loyalty and thinking that lately things have been going really good. I mean, we even had a moment there where I swear he called himself my boyfriend! And while we were holding eachother I told him I wanted us to trust eachother and do right by eachother and he agreed and then we made sweet love. I thought things were on the right track and about to round the big 6-month bend in the road. I mena, read the last couple paragraphs of the post...

My man sticking up for me! and other awesome things

But then...

Tuesday I went out with friends after work and he kept bugging me texting me giving me a hard time for being out. Its really starting to bug me that he does that cuz I never can tell if hes joking or if he really thinks I am out cheating on him. Either way it still pisses me off. I don’t constantly bug him when I know hes out with friends. So anyways the next day I asked him if he really was pissed that I was out with friends or was he just joking. He said he was just joking and that was that. I thought nothing else of it.

Then Wednesday night he came over and I thought everything was fine but then he started texting someone and didn’t say who and then right as we were laying down to bed he got a call and then got up and left. He told me he had to go meet some friends at the bar.

Being suspicious….Wednesday I asked him if he understands that if he is asking me to be loyal that I expect the same from him. He got defensive and said "sheesh I was just out with friends". Then I said "answer the question and we can move on". And he never answered the question directly. He just said "okay" not "yes".

Thursday night he came over to change my oil (after me asking 3 times) and then took off out to Wes and Lisa and didn’t invite me.

Friday we had plans but then when I called to say I was leaving my house he said he changed his mind he was going to Wes and Lisas again. Again no invite. I asked him if its just me or does it seem like he doesn’t want to hang out with me lately. He said "well, you're acting weird." I asked him to elaborate but he wouldn’t. He just said we would talk about it later. I can only assume he was weired out by the questions I had asked him earlier in the week. But why would he be unless he is defensive about something?!

Saturday I went down to CDA and he called me about 7pm and when I told him I was in CDA, his first question "are you alone?". I said yes (I was alone). He said ok call me when you get home. So I called when I got home but he didn’t answer.

He called a couple hours later and my phone reception was cutting in and out so we were having a hard time hearing eachother and then the call got dropped. So I called him back- twice- on the land line but he didn’t answer. Ok, weird. Then he sends me a text an hour later saying "whats your deal? are you out humping some other dude? I tried talking to you but it was like talking to a brick wall". Ok. Im not a brick wall. I wasn’t refusing to talk to him. It was the phone reception jackass. And why would he think Im out if I called him right back on the LAND LINE from my house. I pointed that out to him and he said no you didn’t call me. I said yes I did- twice! and then he said oh, well my phone's been acting weird and dropping calls. I said okay then- your phone is acting weird and so is mine! Theres nothing to fight about! He just said he was going to bed and maybe he would talk to me tomorrow.

I was so flabbergasted I didn’t know what to do. I said okay talk to you later then. He was getting mad at me over nothing! The tension was very high tho. I feel like hes just trying to pick a fight with me, altho I don’t know why. WTF?!? Oh and I left him a voicemail Sunday morning saying this is dumb I don’t want to fight about stupid stuff there is nothing to fight about so please call me back. And I havent heard from him since. And his car wasn’t at his house this morning.

So what do you think readers….Im sick to my stomach right now….

Letter to Ryan

So I didnt hear from Ryan for a few days, thought it was kind of weird but didnt think too much about it since I'd been spending so much time with Main Man. Then after I came out of a movie on Saturday night I had a message from him saying "not trying to be a dick but we just need to be friends and thats it". Okay.....not sure what to think. So I didnt call him back right away. In fact the only thing Ive done was send a text saying "got your msg, talk later". But now that Ive had a chance to mill things over this is what I really want to say to him....

Ryan- stop fucking with my heart! You have taken me up and down this rollercoaster ride and I cant do it anymore. As much as I want us to be together I cant go around holding a torch for you anymore. I held a torch for you for so long and got so tired of being continuously shot down that I decided in order to keep my heart from breaking even more I had to move on. It was not an ultimatum. I wasnt asking you to step up or go away. I did it because I thought there was no chance of you ever liking me so I got on with my life. It was something I had to do for myself. I found a new guy and I decided to get with him initially because I saw it as a chance for me to rebound. A chance to get my mind off of you. A chance for me to realize that you arent the only man in the world. A distraction.

So things settled down as we went to being friends. And I just tried to get over you.

But then you threw things for a major loop that night when we had that talk in the car. When you confessed that your feelings for me had grown so much stronger lately. That night you listed off all the things you think a relationship should be and I was holding back tears of happiness because all those things are my list too and I NEVER thought I would hear you say that to me. Suddenly my dreams were coming true and all those feelings I had been pushing back for months came to the surface again. I thought, "finally, he is realizing what I have felt for a long time now, which is that we are so perfect for eachother and meant to be together". I thought, how could this really be happening? It was one of the most amazing nights of my life.

I woke up that morning in a daze. I was so happy at what had happened and I started thinking about how to break up with Steven since he was only a temporary distraction anyway. My mind started wandering to how awesome things could be and thinking that maybe, finally, I had found THAT person and the feeling was mutual! But also I was scared that it wasnt true and that I had drempt it all. I was scared that didnt mean what you had said. So, I had to make sure before I started making decisions. So, I asked you, and what you said sunk my stomach like a rock. You said, in so many words, that you still didnt want to be with me. :(

I didnt understand how you could sit there and say how much you love me as a person and how we connect so well and how we are perfect for eachother...but say you didnt want a relationship with me. So, I took your word for it that it was just bad timing with everything going on in your life. So what happened on the outside is nothing (you and I still friends and Steven and I still together), but on the inside...

All of my feelings about you that I had forced away had come back and I had to go thru the cycle of dealing again. Only this time it was harder because your feelings towards me were different. Instead of me having to deal with the fact that you didnt like me in that way, now I had to deal with the fact that you did like me but just didnt want to be with me. Can you understand how hard this was on me? So I guess even tho my true feelings were for you, I stayed with Steven because he gave me what I needed at the time. I couldnt have you as my companion so I went to him as a way to fill that void. What I dont think you understand is that he was not a threat to you. I got with him simply as a way to get over you. It wasnt an ultimatum. I dont think you realize that I would dump him in and instant if you said you loved me and wanted to be with me. If you arent ready, I would wait for you for as long as it took, if you just took me in your arms and asked me to.

Its always been you, Ryan. When I am with you everything just feels right. I have no doubts that our souls are somehow intertwined. The love I feel for you is more true and deep then I have ever felt for another person. Knowing you and caring about you has opened up a very hard cold shell I had built around myself. I let my guard down and let myself fall in love with you.

And as amazing as that is, I cant keep going on like this. I cant open myself up just to be heart broken time and time again. One week you like me and the next you dont. You tell me you love me in one breath and the next you tell me we just need to be friends. I cant keep doing this. It simply hurts too much. So, I need to know, once and for all, is there a chance for us to be together someday or am I living in dream land? If its the latter than you need to know that I have no choice but to put my feelings for you back into that box and lock them away. So, I just need you to tell me from the bottom of your heart how you truly feel. Dont let my current situation get in the way. Dont let the complications of your life get in the way. Just think about you and me and how you feel when we are together. Think about what you really want for yourself and what happiness means to you. If that not me, then set me free.

My man sticking up for me! and other awesome things

I must play catch up again as I didnt write about last weekend. Friday night went to a concert (one of my fav bands right now- live! in my town! sweet!) with Steven and BFF and BFF's hubby. I had imbibed quite a bit that night, plus taken a Z, so I was floating! It was perfect tho- just enuf to where I was having a great time with no inhibtions to keep me off the dance floor! BFF and I danced it up, I collected cups off the floor and turned them in for the cash to pay for our drinks, and Steven came along which was awesome and unexpected. So, started out being a great night, but then....

My purse got snatched by some beotch and I had to shove my way thru the crowd until I spotted the purse and ran up and grabbed it out of her hand before she even knew what hit her. I should have called the cops on her ass- or the bouncer- or at least told her off! But I wasnt in the frame of mind for rational thought or confrontation, so I was just glad to get the purse back.

So, situation #1 avoided, I assumed I was in the clear, but nooooo....

I had to keep Steven (new name- Silver Fox!) from getting in two fights. One, with the friend of the beotch from my softball team; and two, some fat redneck who was up in our faces for no apparent reason.

After the concert we went to the bars and I was happy and excited to see my friend Blondie and her Big Busted friend and some other peeps out! So we were just chilling with them having a good time. Spotted ex-friends JP and LK and completely ignored them cuz I wasnt in the mood to deal. Then, the softball BEOTCH had to ruin it all. She made eye contact with me (which I had been trying to avoid- damn it!) and made her come over into the quiet corner to talk to her. She got up on her uppity high horse and basically lextured me about my attitude on the field. Really who cares? That was over months ago but she just had to bring it up, make a big deal out of it just to proove what she believes to be right, and ruin my night. Looking back on it now I wish I had told her off, but like I said, I wasnt in the mood for confrontation so I just let it go.

But, being a senstive person, it did bother me. And Steven could see that I was upset so he (in a drunken haze) went and confronted her. He told her he had watched a few games and at least i tried hard, and he didnt see her try at all, and he told her that she should be supporting her teammate instead of discouraging her, etc etc etc. Go Steven! Way to defend me! He even said "dont talk to MY GIRL like that!" I was surprised and very glad to hear him refer to me in that way and to see the way he instantly got pissed when he found out someone was upsetting me. Maybe this is the way he shows he cares?! So because it really was sweet, I wasnt pissed that he tried to start a fight, in fact I wanted to punch that mouthy bitch myself!!! The scarey part was, he almost fought with an arm-wrestling champion, so even tho Steven is big I really didnt want o see him get his ass kicked and get 86'd out of another bar, so I stood in front of him and pushed him away and finally got him to leave out the back door...

So i thought the situation was difused but he went around to the front door and stood there eyeballing the guy getting him to come outside. Convinced...or cajoled...or physically forced him out of there. But then as we were getting our bikes some fat drunk redneck fucker came up and literally stood in our way mouthing off to Steven saying he was eyeballing him. We tried to explain that it wasnt him we were looking at, and he wasnt even involved in the situation, but he didnt listen. By this point I was pissed! I started yelling at the guy we are just trying to leave get out of our way and let us leave!!! He FINALLY backed off, altho i dont know if it was me yelling or Steven threatening to call the cops or both but finally we were on our bikes and out of there. Steven started dialing the cops from my phone but I took it away and hung it up- I knew it wouldnt do any good and I just didnt want to deal with anymore drama or these people- I just wanted out of there. The ride home felt very long thats for sure.

So of course the almost-fighting isnt good but it did show me that he cares and will be there in an instant to defend me- even if it means getting punched out by an arm wrestling champ!

Things have actually been going really good lately. The drama has settled significantly now that we've passed the critical 3-month mark (a first for me in a while!) and we've settled into a routine. Ive come to terms with the fact that i cant rush him into anything and I think now he feels more comfortable now that he doesnt feel pressured. This could drive me batty- I mean I do hate the "non-relationship" but for all intents and purposes we are BF/GF, he doesnt really say it in that direct way yet. But we act like it and everyone knows we are together. So, really Im okay with it, for now. My patience wont last forever but I am a very patient person. And, I can count on people (mainly Lisa) to point out the obvious to me to give him that little extra nudge he needs to realize how awesome I am and make this official....

Last week there was a Bday party out at their place but it was on a Thursday night (WTF?!) so I couldnt stay late. Apparently after I left, Lisa and another friend gave him a lecture about him not saying bye to me when I left and other things pertaining to how he treats me. Altho I am glad to have someone point out these things to him cuz I know hes oblivious sometimes, I dont think they should be so hard on him. hes a good guy with a good heart and I believe he does care about me, hes just young and doesnt have it all figured out yet.

Lisa told me that she told him that I care about him a lot and that he needs to recognize that. She told him that I am very patient with him and that I am waiting for him. He apparently said he cares about me too and thinks Im the coolest girl ever! I just think hes scared. Hes scared to take it to the next step. hes scared to make an official commitment. he scared to open up his heart again. I just wish he knew...I am one of the best people to open up to. If he gives me his heart I wont ever squash it...I need to figure out a way to proove that to him :)

Do two "half" boyfriends make a whole?

I was just looking back at some old posts and theres one from January about having two men in my life and neither one giving me everything I need but somehow the combo of the two making me fufilled in a warped way. And now, ironically enuf, I find myself months later in the same situation just with two different men. And maybe this is the main reason I am juggling them both- because neither one of them wants to step and make me their own- and I need that fufillment- I have them both to fill different needs. I need to have all of these things in one man but unfortunately right now I dont have that. So Steven gives me what Ryan cant right now. But is having Steven in the here-and-now going to affect the down-the-line with Ryan? Or am I still holding out false hope that Ryan and I will be together some day? Altho the feeling when I am with him is so right, and I know that slowly building our friendship is the best foundation for a real, lasting relationship, part of me is scared to stay in this place too long for fear of going to that friends place and never coming back from it. Maybe thats why I am still occasionally sleeping with him despite knowing that would kill Steven...cuz I want to keep the fires burning. But you know, I think its mostly just me giving into my desire and trying to find excuses to justify it. Ryan knows Im hot for him and maybe if we dont do it for a while, it will leave him wanting even more and itching that much harder to make me his own. I cant stop hanging out with him tho! I want him in my life. I need him in my life. I cant imagine him not being in my life. He fufills that emotional need for me. I feel like I can tell him anything and everything. I feel like he will always listen to my point of view. I feel like he truly cares about me as a person. So maybe I let him...and I let Steven fufill the physical need...and see how much longer I can go on having two half boyfriends!

R&R with both men

Ahhh, Labor Day weekend. A great opportunity for some R&R, and in my case, some R&R with my two men!

Friday night I left work early on the urging of a co-worker and started drinking early! Met up with the group of co-workers for the bday bash and Ryan and a few others came along. People dropped off during the night, and it ended up just being me, Cort and the 'Boji Boys'. It was so much fun! We drank sangria, danced, and took all kinds of silly pics! Cort spilled red wine on my pink sweater, so all 4 of us went into the bathroom together while they tried (in vain!) to blot it off! Cort and I tossled our hair before we walked out of there just to mess with people…that must have been a site! LOL!

I was way to wasted to drive so Ryan and I walked back to his car (what a hike! but we held hands the whole way, yeah!) Crashed at his place, tried messing around but we were both so drunk that it didn’t really happen until the next morning. And boy was it good! I love it from behind while laying on my side. And my pants werent even all the way off- just pulled down around my knees- so the tightness of my legs being close together and the restriction of the clothing just got me going! Then (in typical Ryan fashion) flipped me over to do me from behind and the feeling of his big cock with stong morning wood pounding me was too much! My upper body was laying flat but I arched my back to elevate my hips and ass and I knew he was getting off from the view and that angle was just right for his parts to rub on me in all the right places. I spread my legs a little and arched my back until it hurt and let him go to town and before I knew it- bam! I was practically screaming from pleasure and I came sooo hard! I don’t think Ive ever cum in doggystyle before so that was a totally awesome first!

(As an aside, I was thinking about this yesterday- but I think its true what they say about women's sex drive just increasing as they get older. Man I love it! I could have sex every day if I had a man that could keep up with me! maybe that’s why I need 2!)

Anyways so the next night I spent with my main man. He called me at 2am (can you say booty call?!) to come over to his place, which was a nice change. We had AMAZING HOT SWEATY sex on the chair, on the floor, everywhere! The feeling and smell of his body next to mine is unbelievable. I just look at him during the deed and think-"man how did I get this lucky?" He is sooo fucking sexy I cant get over it. I get turned on just being near him! I slept in his bed and stayed over til the afternoon. When I went home I could still smell him on my skin, and kept sniffing it cuz I like the smell so much! When a man's scent just jives well with mine, its more than I can handle! So it was a great time- good sex, got to sleep in his comfy bed, and got to just chill with him the next day. See now, is this not BF/GF behavior?!?

Sunday afternoon I got a text from Steven asking if I wanted to take a drive up the Mountain. WHAT?! So unlike him to actually invite me to do something. I said yes but he never did answer back. Weirdo. So, I was bored and called Ryan. (another advantage to having 2 boyfs!) Went up to his friends place up the road and chilled over there for a bit. Ryan had to go home cuz of his son, and we had plans for me to get booze and meet him over there. Then, right as I was getting ready to leave, Steven called me, so I had to ditch Ryan! I felt really bad, and I think he was kinda bummed/hurt cuz he kept bringing it up- but what can I do if the main man calls me?! If you want my full attention Ryan step up to the plate! It ended up being kind of lame tho, I wanted to get drunk but Steven ended up passing out all early.

Monday I had the day off (yeah for national holidays!) and I spent it with Ryan and his son. We went to the park and the store and then made dinner together. Man when we do that I just cant help but feel like a little family, and like that’s what its supposed to feel like. It feels so right! It feels right with I am with him, period. He's always been something special to me, and I think he feels it too. In fact I know he feels it!

I don't know how much longer this juggling can go on. I'm starting to feel guilty about lying to Steven. I mean, I never could do that before- look someone right in the eye and lie to them outright- but for some reason I can now. Am I colder? Smarter? Sneakier than I used to be? Do I somehow feel justified in what Im doing or am I just making excuses? Either way you would think that my close call the other week would have opened my eyes and made me change my behavior. But, really, nothing has changed except maybe me getting better at lying! I wish I could tell Steven that I am hanging out with Ryan, just be honest with him, but I think that would freak him out and lead to suspicions. And he should be suspicious because despite my best efforts I always seem to give into my cravings for Ryan!

But I know I cant do this much longer. As much as I love having both men in my life and don’t want to narrow it down to just one, Im going to have to. Its not fair to either one of them. I don’t want to get hurt and I don’t want to hurt either one of them. It would crush Steven's already-fragile trust in women if he found out. And I think its already starting to bug Ryan. But hey- if neither guy will step up to the plate and claim me for their own- then who says I cant juggle them both?!? I don’t know readers…what do you think???

Drunk dials...drunken sex...and cuddling!

Went out last night. Random for a Humpday Wednesday. Met Neighbor Boy at the bar after work. Kinda tame at first but ended up running into a few peeps of mine and some of his also. We didnt socialize with eachother much tho! I drunk dialed Ryan (who was also out- and I wanted to go with him!) while Steven flirted with a gang of 21-year-old blondes! But it was pretty harmless- I mean Im the one who took him home right?! Im a lucky woman hes a a hot stud! I mean, he's 6'3" with jet black hair and eyes the color of the ocean! And hes got buff strong legs which I love and a nice round meaty ass! oh yeah baby! God I kept staring at him last night giving him the bedroom eyes and thinking how in the world did I land this dreamy man Ive got to hold onto him! Sometimes I fear Im getting too caught up in his looks tho, and being too shallow, but hey hes fun for now and I gotta live it up while I still can right?! And we did last night! Drunk sex! yes I love it! I cant really remember half of it, but I know it was awesome, kinky, and fun! Im much more verbal when Im drunk and more in the moment and fewer inhibitions so I feel like I enjoy it more. Then we passed out...this time no 3 am wake up call from his little friend...but I did wake up a few times to him rolling over to cuddle me. God I LOVE that feeling. The feeling of a warm man rolling over and spooning you, snugging their body in close to yours and wrapping their arms around you. It makes me feel so safe, secure, loved, adored, and lucky! It also turns me on a little. Wait...what am I saying? Just being in that man's presense turns me on. Or thinking about him for that matter! In fact I think Im a little steamy right now LOL! Can I just go back to bed and let hottie spoon me all night long???

Smooth sailing....well, for the most part...

Pretty good weekend. No major drama for once! Friday night, went out to Wes and Lisa's like usual. Made it out there late cuz I stopped off to see Ryan. Ya he was pretty much all over me...joked about how he was going to move into my house after I build it :). Invited me to dinner on Sunday and said his sister likes me and kicks him for not snagging me up.

But I didnt stay too long...Lisa and Steven were both texting me to get my ass out there. So I left Ryan and jetted out there. All in all in was a fun night. No Bri and Donn (hmmm funny hows theres no drama when they arent around). The only bad thing that happened was I opened my big mouth about something and Steven got mad and yelled at me- I deserved it tho. But its okay now. So it was just the 4 of us, we ended up shrooming that was good times! Lisa went to bed so I played around in the woods and sat down by the overlook with the boys for hours...watched the awesome night sky and felt the warm wind...wrestled with Steven..then walked back in the dark by myself (yikes!) and crawled into the back of my car...I was joined by Steven around 4am. We stayed out there and hung out until around noon the next day.

Went back out there on Sunday. The boys cut down trees for firewood and the pole barn and the girls watched some and sat on the porch with the kiddos :). Steven was being so cute...I think ignoring him works cuz he was all playing with me- slapping my ass in front of everyone is I guess how he stakes his claim to me! He was doing it a lot. And coming at me trying to egg me on so I wrestled him again but got my ass kicked this time! (Not like the previous night where I pinned him a couple times!). Damn he was in a frisky mood! Kept pinching and slapping me, looking me right in the eye with that "I wanna bend you over the table right now" look...talking about how I was gonna get it tonight, etc. And we was actually looking at me and messing with me and paying close attention to me for once! He even (gasp!) wanted to go home early hehehe :) but we had to stay for the big dinner Lisa cooked up. We got home and I gave him a really nice massage and he fell asleep. Then once we got into the bed he woke up and we had a little fun...then he woke me up again at 3am for some more fun!

So damn things are pretty good right now...I feel good...there are no waves...so I guess I just have fun and dont take things too seriously and let it ride out. I need Steven right now. Im so afraid tho- the longer I stay with him the harder it will be on both of us to break up...especially him i dont want to be another girl to give him a broken heart! And I will get attached to him too- I already am :)

OMG it happened!!! (and other events of the last few days)

I cannot believe it took me this long to write about this, its been over a week!!! But something amazing wonderful crazy and totally unexpected happened!!! TripleSgirl is totally stoked, but also confused, scared, and honestly caught off guard!

So heres goes…

So in my last blog I talked about Ryan and I hooking up again. Well at first I thought it was just another drunk hookup and didn’t mean anything. But he had been getting kinda serious with me lately, with the “I care about you so much” and getting all up in arms about Steven. Calling me like, everyday. Asking me to do stuff. I was kinda wondering what was up…

Well on Wednesday night (Aug 12) I found out. The night started when after work I was supposed to go over to my sister’s future in-laws for a wedding planning dinner. Ryan had called me after work and I told him I was doing but he wanted to go to meet his buddy at the bar and didn’t want to drive (or wanted an excuse to see me LOL). So I offered to give him a ride on my way. I was already running late…big shocker…so I was hoping he would just come jump in the car. No such luck. Instead of showing like he was supposed to, he was out on his deck watching the storm. Proceeded to spend the next near hour taking pics of it and the subsequent double rainbow…which was really cool BTW….I think of it as a symbol of what happened later that night J

So I went and did my thing and then called him when I was done. He said he wanted me to come down to the bar to meet him cuz he wanted to sing me a song (uh oh! He was in the of “those” moods! Read: happy-outgoing-lovey-drunk!). So I did it…damn he looked hot that night…he was kissing and hugging all over me! Looking directly into my eyes…wow…awesome but the whole time Im thinking WTF?! He got up to the mic with his buddy (Steven’s ex-boss) and proceeded to sing/rap/slurr about me. I could barely understand what he was saying but it was so sweet! I felt like I was being serenaded. How awesome is it that he was proclaiming over the microphone his feelings for me? Wow. I was nervous the whole time tho cuz Steven’s friend was there…man I hope he didn’t recognize me! Anyways so Ryan and I snuck out the backway and we stopped to talk and kiss and hug. He kept saying how stupid he was for not catching me earlier and how much he cares about me and how he thinks Im not being treated well. He kept kissing me and saying how much he likes kissing me J He said he felt like I gave him an ultimatum when I met Steven, but I explained to him that it wasn’t that, I was just moving on for myself, because I thought there was never any hope for us. But I did tell him that he is the one and always has been the one J

So we went into Safeway for his usual late night food binge, and wandered around for what seemed like hours. He was holding me hand the whole time and we were acting like crazy kids it was so much fun ;) While we were laughing and spurring back and forth he said “we would have so much fun together!” The great conversation continued back at his apartment…I parked in the hiding spot and we sat, listened to tunes, and smoked a bowl. I was just getting this intense vibe off of him. We talked about his son…and his life…and he kept thinking of ways to bring up K, etc the other girls ya know, making it a point to say how he doesn’t like them, doesn’t want to pursue them, etc. Kept saying how good a of a friend I am to him, that Im the only one who has really been there for him all along, and that I mean a lot to him. Then he said he knew the timing was bad cuz now I have something else going on. I don’t recall the exact way we got there but he finally said, he told me that he just needed time to get to know me, to become friends, to trust me. He said that lately he has realized how much he cares for me. He even said “haven’t you been getting a vibe off of me lately?” and I said yes I have! Then, this was the most amazing and romantic thing that’s ever happened to me…he started listing off all the things we believe a relationship should be based on…fun, friendship, companionship, trust, respect, understanding, compatibility, commitment….and I was just dying the whole time, almost in tears and couldn’t believe what I was hearing, its like it was coming from my own heart. It was like he was taking the words right out of my mouth. Then he paused…like what he was about to say was difficult…and I said what? I guess he hadn’t finished his list…cuz he said…”and LOVE”.

WOW. I was floored. Shocked. So happy! Damn near in tears. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing…its what I never thought would happen…but what Ive always wanted to hear! I don’t think any man has ever spilled their heart to me like that. And I couldn’t believe it was Ryan, the man of my dreams! I just looked at him and told him that I feel the same way he does. He said “lets just quit the BS, lets do it!” he said he didn’t know how to define things tho, cuz of Steven, and what was going on in his life, and I told him that he don’t need to define it, we both know how we feel J I melting just thinking about it, it was the most amazing night of my life.

….Followed by a messed up morning! Steven seeing me driving the walk of shame…ouch. I had a really strong gut feeling when I was leaving his place that I should turn down the backway…but I didn’t (should listen to my gut!”) and bam! 2 seconds later, he turns off our road on the street I was on, right fucking past me. And he totally saw me. L

So I had very mixed feelings the next day. I was so stoked about what had happened with Ryan but so down about what happened with Steven, I didn’t know what to do! I was so anxious at work all day. In fact lately Ive been a nervous anxious wreck! Damn boys! My stomach was upset all day. I wanted to be happy about Ryan but I still was unsure about the whole thing. And about Steven, I had wanted things between us to end naturally, and on good terms, not with him seeing evidence of me cheating. I don’t want to contribute to his fear of relationships and problems with women. But on the other hand, maybe it was a blessing in disguise and everything happens for a reason…I figured if it ended that way it was meant to happen and I did bring it upon myself.

I managed to lie my way out it, although Im not sure how convinced he was. Man that felt shitty…lying to him like that…

So that night was my dad’s bday and we all went to the concert. Man it was hard to concentrate on the family thing. Especially since Ryan was also there and texting me the whole time. We met up with eachother and kept taking off together, then he finally came to sit with me and the fam! I couldn’t believe how cool he was with them. He sat with us, danced with me, kissing on me and whispering in my ear the whole time how awesome I am J

I bet my family was like, “whos this guy?” LOL…

All I know is Steven wont even meet my family for long enuf to be introduced so he wont feel weird coming over during daylight hours. Ok. And heres Ryan meeting me entire family and hanging out with his and not being shy with the affection towards me. What does that say.?!?…

So the next day, Friday, Steven was talking to me again and I didn’t really know what to do cuz I wanted to see him but already had plans to go to another concert with Ryan. And honestly was looking forward to it! The night started out good, but then we both ran into friends and got separated. By the time the concert started and I found him again, there was some other girl he was more interested in. He barely spoke to me and I couldn’t stand it. I mean 2 nights prior he was confessing his love for me and how he barely acts like Im supposed to be his date for the night?! WTF!? (Read: sign hes not ready for commitment). So I got upset, and I wanted to run to Steven. He had called me earlier that night (when I was on my way to meet Ryan ironically enuf) and said he was out to Wes and Lisas and sounded disappointed that I wasn’t going…but I told him I would probably meet him out there later. And I did. When I saw Ryan go off with the girl to the dancefloor, I had enough. I never wanted to run to Steven so bad in my life. I felt like it was right to go be with him, my actual (non)boyfriend, then be moonlighting with Ryan. So I literally ran out of there, jumped in my car, and sped about 60 mph all the way out to see Steven.

When I got there I discovered that he had rammed his car into a telephone pole!…chasing after Wes who was trying to rescue Briana from a flipping-out Donn. It was fucked and he was pretty upset about it. So not the best time for me to be around. So Lisa took me for walk in the woods and basically told me not to hurt him and called me out on my skanky behavior at the wedding and pointed ythat even tho I didn’t notice cuz hes subtle, he was pissed/hurt. It was hard for me to hear but I needed that talk. I needed someone to point those things out to me. I need someone to keep me on track. We talked about a lot of things, and I feel much closer to her now, she’s actually been instrumental in Steven and I even getting, and staying, together. By the time we got back, the boys were passed out, but I made a makeshift bed on the floor and Steven came down to the floor with me. The next day we stayed there until 3pm! Just hanging, watching movie, puffing, being hungover!

That night Steven came over for a bit and he and I and Bri went to crash the neighbors wedding. Then the 3 of us hung for a bit and I really wanted Steven to say so we could talk…I wanted to apologize for my recent behavior per Lisa and I’s conversation…but we didn’t get the chance. Bri was all out of sorts about Donn and Steven sensed that so he went home and let the BFFs stay and talk J what a cool guy J

The next day I went to CDA with Lisa and the kids. It was fun and another opportunity for us to talk. That night Steven came over and we talked and he spent the night and we just rented a move and I layed on him and we both fell asleep J I was feeling pretty good.

A couple lame things happened over the week (him ditching out on coming over) but I did pretty good. I kinda felt like I needed some space from both guys. My head was, and still is spinning. So I was pissed about Wednesday night, but last night made up for it.

Last night was fun. I met Lisa and him and one of her girlfriends at the bar and then we went out to a couple other friends places and met up with Wes. Im pretty sure Lisa and Steven had a talk…I think she told him whats up and that I need to back up off my shit a little bit. (In regards to him freaking out that I was mad he didn’t come over). She told me hes just scared. I know J I am being patient and she said I am good at being patient with him. I know my patience wont last forever but Im just trying not to rock the boat right now since I want to enjoy the time we do have left.

Anyways we actually talked on the way home. First about his work stuff, he needed to get it out. Then it turned to talk about us. He actually initiated it! I explained to him that I don’t like being disappointed or having my feelings hurt, and that’s why I reacted the way I did about the other night. I told him I am not up in his business all the time, calling him all the time, and trying to understand that he needs space. So I told him he needs to understand I don’t like being flaked out on. He actually seemed to understand J It was a great talk!

When we got home we cuddled on the couch for a little bit, and talked some more, while his head was rested on my chest and I ran my fingers thru his hair. I got up to get ready for bed but he pulled me back and at first I resisted (tired, felt gross), but then I realized that he needed to have make up sex as an apology. And it was so nice…intimate, romantic, sensual…but lasted a bit too long (I was sore!). We finally passed out but got woken up shortly after by a crazy loud thunderstorm! He cuddled me all night. And woke up with a kiss and another romp! J He is so cute sometimes.

So right now I am feeling pretty good about things with Steven. I did talk to Ryan last night (after a few days of no contact) and he confirmed his feelings for me but he knows I still have a boyfriend. I told him I feel like he isn’t ready for anything anyway, and he said ya he wont have the time for a relationship after he starts his second job, so I said, Steven’s just a distraction for now, and whats it matter anyways if you aren’t ready? He said he didn’t matter, but I wonder if maybe it does? Then I started babbling, because I don’t know what to do, and he told me I need to just chill and be the layed back girl and not worry about everything so much. And you know what, hes right. I guess Ive been anxious lately because of everything that’s happened, the drama, and I have a lot of strong emotions all going on at once right now. This is more than has happened to me my entire life! But I am just gonna take the ride…and enjoy myself! Things will happen the way they are meant to happen J

Another weekend of man juggling

Friday was Anna's birthday party out at the bars. I wanted Steven to come with me because I assumed Sean would be there and I wanted him to see me lookin hot and with a hot young stud on my arm! But I knew he might bail on me so I had Ryan as a "backup". On my way to town I stopped at his friends where he was and hung out for a bit. We had a good, but short, conversation in the back yard in which he told me that he cares for me and hes worried Im being treated like shit and we have a connection. Thinking back on that, and our situation, makes today's horoscope very fitting. In fact they've all been very fitting lately!....

A new love relationship should be appearing over the horizon, perhaps with someone as creative as yourself. This could cause a rush of self-doubt, particularly about your appearance, but don't waste any time with this. It's your energy the person is drawn to! Some fascinating conversations could take place, and feelings should run very intense and deep. If circumstances permit, this could lead to a long-term commitment - or even marriage! Enjoy!

And I do have doubts about my appearance with Ryan. I used to feel he was out of my league and Ive seen the girls he dates, they are gorgeous. Now I do feel better about my looks and he has definitely noticed. But I do feel that even tho my new appearance is what has made him take notice, our true attraction is much deeper, since it comes from our connection and our energies! I cant help but feel like this is the best foundation for a friendship and hopefully one day, if we can get things figured out, an amazing relationship :)

But I do like Steven. He is adorable and fn and funny and sweet and quirky and sexy. My attraction to him is undeniably strong. I mean I get turned on just being near him! But that, plus the fact that we get into sorts about small stuff and we never seem to have any meaningful conversations, indicates that he will be short term fun only. I guess I knew trhat from the beginning but I thought I would give it a chance anyway, better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all right? Anyways I guess theres still a possibility it could keep going, but I doubt it…Sagitarrius and Taurus- not exactly compatible!

But Cancer and Taurus…perfect match! Ryan is the one I really like. The one Ive always liked. The one that when Im with him everything feels like it should be. Our personalities match so well. We have similar lifestyles, goals, and ways of looking at life. Im in love with his kid. We have a great connection and we are great friends and we make great lovers also. Hes the one who came to the bar to save me from the Sean situation (even tho Sean was a no-show). I think as soon as he walked into that bar everyone else dissapeared :) At one point we were by the jutebox talking to this guy and I mentioned "if my boyfriend were here" and the guy said "he isnt your boyfriend?" and I said no. And the guy said "well he should be!" and I said "why?" and the guy said "cuz you guys look cute together and hes obviously crazy about you!" Ryan just hugged me and smiled :)

So anyways I went home with him that night and the walk to my car took about 30 mins cuz we were stopping to make out every 30 seconds! And I was so horny, hadnt had sex in a week, drunk, and really wanted him! So pretty much the minute we walked in the door we were all over eachother. I think we did it 3 times! Once at night (for at least an hour, all over his living room), then again twice in the morning!

And in between those 2 morning sessions….Steven called me. He called me at 7am!! WTF?!? He is never up that early! I didn’t answer…I was too scared. I was too scared for him to ask to come over or why my car wasn’t at my house or to hear him say that he saw my car parked at Ryan's. then he sent a text saying "hows the strange dick" which just worsened my fears! But I shouldnt have worried. After I got home I texted him and turns out he was just horny and trying to make up for not doing me the night before :) I would have called him over in an instant...that is, if I hadnt just gotten done being with another man. I mean...eww...I cant do that to Steven.

So we texted back and forth for a bit and it was cool and then it got stupid. He asked me what i was doing that day so I thought he wanted to actually do something with me so I asked him to and he said no he had worked too much lately. Ok. That just pissed me off because lately Ive been feeling like he only wants me for sex, that we will never have a real relationship and that he wont even let me around his friends. So I asked him if thats all we are gonna do is just fuck. He shot back with "whoa freak outer...thats what you wanted last night..go find some other dude. peace."

WTF???!!! Talk about freak outer! hes is the one who freaks over the littliest things but he thinks its me! I feel like we dont or understand eachother that well and so misunderstandings get blown out of proportion. But we cant get to know eachother if we dont hang out. Its a catch-22. Plus I function better if I have definitions, and so our undefined half-assed "nonrelationship" has me all out of sorts and because of it the best of me is not always what shines thru. But because he has seen those insecure (to guys- crazy) sides of me , he doesnt want to be with me. Thats the definition of irony. But I dont know if I will ever get him to see that. Maybe in a letter...maybe he will really listen that way...because he wont feel backed into a corner like a lot of guys do when "talks" happen.

Anyways I did write him a letter this weekend. Or, actually, alterted one I had already written as a way to vent my feelings. Never planned on giving it to him but I was in desperation after his lame trying-to-break-up-over-text message. (Altho I should have known it wasnt over after he texted me an hour later asking what I was thinking about). So in trying to keep him, I told him I had a letter for him. hes been bugging me to read it ever since but Im not ready for himt o read it cuz i want to change it! The second draft was all positive, me apologizing and saying how much I like him. This is because I just want everything to be good between us. But, Im not willing to sacfrice that much for it, thats not real, he needs to know how I really feel. So Im planning on revising it a bit, making it not so easy for him, and then maybe giving it to him.

Anyways we did see eachother that night. He called me (when I was at Ryan's) after he was done with work. We went to the cemetary and drank a bottle of wine and had a good conversation! Not really deep, mostly just basic stuff, but still really nice and I still felt really good about it afterwards. I did bring up Jenni to see if he wanted to talk about it, but he must not have been in the mood cuz he didnt. But thats okay. Then he went to my house, jumped eachother's bones, and then watched a movie. He was mostly falling asleep but he held me close and cuddled me the whole time :) It was really sweet. I love the feelings of a man's arms around me, especially him.

Oh god what am I gonna do?!? Im so afraid that this seeing two men will backfire on me bigtime! I know it will, its just a matter of time, TripleSgirl you must make up your mind or you will loose them both!!!

Storm sex

I dont remember exactly when this happened but it was a few weeks ago. There was an amazing summer storm going on....rain, wind, lightning, thunder, the whole bit. Steven was over. My neighbors were gone so we had the free reign of the porch without fear of being seen. So, he grabbed my hand and took me outside!!! Altho it wasnt the first outdoor sex with him (once on the point in Talache), it was the most memorable! I think we were out there for about 2 hours!! We did all different ways from Sunday...me bent over the table from behind, him sitting on the table and me squatting over him, him laying down on the porch and me on top, me with my back on the table and him over me, etc etc etc. It was hot! I even had a naughty dream about it a couple nights later! We were on this concrete table...and it didnt feel very stable...and it was right on the edge of the porch...and he was pounding me so hard I swear I was waiting for us to slide right off the porch and land on that damn concrete table! But no (major) injuries that night...just a very bruised back for me and some concrete burns for him!

Wishful thinking

If I could only have Ryan's personality with Steven's body oh wow I would be in heaven! That would be my absolute perfect man!

I'm a lucky girl

Yesterday started out kinda crappy but ended up turning out pretty great! The night before last Steven was supposed to come over...we had a whole plan for me to dress up and for him to bring his furry handcuffs!..we dont usually plan like that so this was exciting and there was a lot of build up for me, and I was hoping for him too. I even took a shower and got all ready for him...and then he sent me a text saying he wasnt coming. I understand, he was tired and had to work early, but what pissed me off is that I fel tlike he didnt even take my feelings into consideration at all. He could have come over earlier, or least let me know earlier in the day that he wasnt coming. Then I tried to call him and he didnt answer my call which really pissed me off. I sent him a text saying he was a jerk! Then I called Ryan and made plans with him for the next day so I could "accidentally" be busy if Steven tried again for the next night.

But my plan kind of backfired. I felt pretty guilty about calling him a jerk and I started to get that sick pit in my stomach when things are not good between us. I would rather swallow my pride a little bit and apologize for something that I dont feel at fault for so things can be all good between us then the alternative. So I sent him a text saying sorry for calling you a jerk but I am kinda pissed. He kinda got pissy back, saying he had to get up really early and all this. So I explained to him that I was upset because I was looking forward to it and waiting for him and I would appreciate if he considered my feelings and just let me know ahead of time if plans changed. He didnt really respond to that but continued to text me throughout the day about basic stuff (which is very unusual) so I knew he was just trying to get in good with me again. Later in the night he came in with the actual apology, said he was sorry for being a jerk and not coming over and he feels bad and he wants to come over tonight :)

Then later that evening and night he started it up again. I hadnt been with Ryan 15 minutes when i got the first text! I swear its like he knows! Never fails, everytime I'm with Ryan, he will message me! We were texting while I was laying on Ryan's lap watching a movie while he dozed off! I lied my little face off and told him I was home in bed...luckily he didnt ask to come over!

So both boys' attitudes towards me were pretty positive yesterday! Ryan was loving and huggin on me and calling me hot and lovin my spunky attitude and kicking himself for not snagging me sooner. He was defintately jealous Steven...didnt really say that out right but basically said its hard for him to hear me talk about it cuz he does care about me. he said our friendship is very important to him and I reciprocated. God I know i shouldnt feel this way but I cant help but feel like he and I are darn near perfect for eachother. I just get that feeling when Im with him that everything is as it should be :)

But I'm enjoying Steven right now, he's a good distraction for me while Ryan works thru his custody stuff and plus it makes Ryan sweat a little bit and want me all that much more! Maybe things are working out the way they are supposed to.

And Steven was in apology mode yesterday...hopefully hes realizing I can be pretty awesome as long as he treats me right...I am looking forward to him coming over tonight! So Im feeling pretty good. I cant believe I got lucky enough to have both these hot men in my life!!!

Playing catch up

So many developments recently I havent even had time to blog so now its catch up time!!!...

"The Write Off".....and then "The Boy Fight!" (June 29)
My second to last post was the day I decide to mentally say goodbye to Steven and write him off for ignoring me and blowing me off, which I cannot stand. I decided for my own sake that I needed to just let him go and if he wasn’t going to pursue me, to be prepared for that. Low and behold- that very night was the night I got the strange texts from both he and Ryan indicating that they had a run in at the bar where Ryan confronted Steven for treating me badly and convinved him that he had an awesome girl on his hands!

"The Fall Out"

The week following that was great. Steven came over to my house groveling and saying how sorry he was and how much of a jerk he is. He said he just wasn’t ready for how fast things were moving but he really likes me. It seemed like he had come to his senses and realized he was about to loose me. Altho I was on cloud 9- Steven groveling and Ryan coming to my rescue- in the back of my mind I was still unsure and a bit worried. Maybe my fears were founded, maybe it was just me freaking out, I'm still not sure but for a while there everything was great! :) I knew Ryan cared about me and I had Steven right where I wanted him.

"Independance Day" (July 4)

The week started out pretty good. I was looking forward to spending the 4th with one of the boys! (Hopefully Steven but had Ryan as a backup) but then things started going back to the same old crap. I went out Friday night with Ryan, his BFF and his GF, and found out Ryan was trying to date this really hot bartneder girl I know from school. That pissed me off after he had given me the speech about not wanting a girlfriend and I kinda of called him out on it and we kinda had a fight about it. At one point we were out on the street and I basically told him off and walked away and a few minutes later he called me. He had a good (but drunk) talk and I ended up going back to pick him up and gave him a ride home. he told me how beautiful I look and how I shouldn’t freak out about the new girl. But still, I was very heartbroken, and went home feeling pretty low.

And I was still unsure about Steven. I ended up staying over at his house Friday night, for the first time ever I got to sleep in his bed for a change, it was comfy but I didn’t sleep at all (too much on my mind). We hadnt talked much at all since the one night so I needed to know where he stood….i.e. he wasn’t ready then but does that mean hes ready now? Me being the Taurus I am, I needed defintions, expectations, boundaries. I tried talking to him but he wasn’t really into it so we ended up making out instead!

The next morning was the 4th of July. I don’t really remember exactly how but it quickly went from us dry humping in the bed to me attempting to force him to talk. Looking back now I know it was the wrong way to get what I wanted but I needed answers! I had been waiting almost a week to talk to him and so for me there was all these unanswered questions that he probably had no idea I was wanting to have answered. He told me he was sorry but he just didn’t want a girlfriend. That pissed me off because I felt like he was saying he just didn’t want me to be his girlfriend. I felt like this because initially all signs pointed to he wanted me to be. he actually called me and asked me to do "date" things with him. he told me all the time how sexy and beautiful and awesome I was. he texted me throughout the day and came over almost every night. He said he was infatuated with me! So looking back on that and thinking about the fucked up things that had happened it made me realize he had changed the way he felt about me and it made me sad and pissed me off that he wouldn’t just say what was real. So because of that I kept pushing him and pushing him to talk. This of course caused him to just shut down even more. And me me wanting answers- or not liking the answer I got- just pushed more. At one point he said we should just be fuck buddies but I told him I couldnt do that cuz it just left me feeling like a worthless pile of crap- and at that point I actually got up and left. I SHOULD HAVE LEFT IT AT THAT. He either would have chased after me, come to his senses later, or it would have ended gracefully.

But that insane part of me cannot let go- maybe its cuz I want to fight for what I want or maybe its cuz Im too insecure to walk away- but I ended up coming back. I was in silent tears- and I just wanted him to comfort me- so I went and layed in his arms. I think I was trying to say goodbye. But I ended up trying to force him to talk again and got so worked up and frustrated that I ended up crying even more. He flat out told me he wasn’t going to date me and the more I pushed him the more he would hate it. So then, just desperately trying to keep him in my life, I said lets just me fuck buddies then, and he said he didn’t want to do that anymore, that he was over it. As I was leaving I said "you really don’t give a fuck do you" and he said "don’t say that, I do, let just think it over and talk later". So he left it open but to me it felt like it was the end. I left his house trying to be strong but that emptiness hit me the moment I walked away :(

I went out to Bri and Donn;s for the family/friend BBQ. I couldn’t enjoy it but I knew I couldn’t be alone either. I tried to be strong but by the end of the night I had enough. 24 hours prior to that I was looking forward to cuddling on the beach with one of the men….but ended up watching the fireworks completely alone. I couldn’t even bring myself to sit with everyone else. I bawled my eyes out watching the fireworks and couldn’t stop thinking about it being my "Independence Day" and started preparing myself for a world of loneliness once again. I didn’t know if I could handle all the ups and downs but it was looking like things would be down for a while :(

"The Day After" (July 5)

I couldn’t spend the day alone again so I called up my sis and she invited me on the boat. We ended up going over to our friends place on the lake and hanging out swimming for a bit and then went out to the next town for dinner. It ended being an okay day despite the feeling of depression creeping in. I was laying on my couch that night just trying to forget about everything when I got a text from Steven. He asked me if I was okay. (He heard from our mutual friends that I was crying over him the night before). So it was kind of sweet that he wanted to make sure I was okay and I guess he had even called me earlier that afternoon while I was out of service range. He ended up coming over to smoke me out and I told him I was sorry that things had gotten so stupid. He asked if I was mad at him and I said no I was mad at myself. He said "why Im the jerk". He said he felt really bad. He tried to mess around with me and call me "Skeeters" like he always does but I don’t download that fast so I was a bit cold to him. I wanted him to know I was still hurting and I couldn’t just act like everything was fine. He stayed for only about an hour and gave me a hug and went home. The one and only time hes ever come over and not stayed the night but I knew it was for the best.

I spent the week just adjusting to everything. he tried to contact me but I told him I had some things to think about and I wasn’t ready to talk yet. He seemed shocked but it was good to have a bit of space. I needed to gather my thoughts and he needed to realize that I could function without him.

The Crazy Weekend!....

"He Loves Me! (The other man- not him!) (July 9)

I don't recall how it started but Ryan and I had one of those great late night laying in bed on the phone talks. Im pretty sure he was drunk but Im a believer in that the things we say when we are drunk are what we really mean to say just don’t have the guts to say in person. We had a great talk and he talked about the new girl not really working out and his custody troubles and how much he likes me and then he said it- I LOVE YOU TRIPLESGIRL! I think my heart skipped a beat! I mean, I know he meant it mostly in a friend way but I don’t care he still said it and I was very happy about it :)

"The Little Black Dress" (July 10)

My high school reunion (yes Im dating myself!). Wore a hot little black dress and went out on the town afterwards. Man I should do that more often I didn’t buy a single drink all night! Met a new guy (the blonde from Boise) and ended up making out with him (not so good tho- not my style) and on old friend of Ryan's who had never shown much interest in me before saw me in that dress and couldn’t take his eyes off! Invited me to a party the following night and started trying to date me but I pretty much blew both the men off over the next couple weeks- too much going on already!

….More on that later- feast or famine!....

Anyways Steven must have been drunk and horny or just missed me cuz he called me about 4 or 5 times that night which is rare. I finally called him back and he invited me over and I slipped into his house under the cover of darkness…crawled onto his lap while he was in the big chair…and started grinding on him and making out. We were both incredibly horny- no sex since June. I simply lifted up my dress and he slid down his pants and man we just went at it right there with his parents asleep in the next room. Im sure they heard my moaning I couldn’t hold it in! It was sooo incredibly HOT! I came harder than I have in a long time. He came home with me that night and Im sure we did it again in the morning.

"The Betrayal" (July 11)

he very next night after hooking back up with Steven, I get a very drunken call from Ryan saying that he needed a ride from a wedding reception. So I went to pick him up and he acted like it was the first time he finally noticed how good I was looking lately. He said he knows he fucked up and Im beautiful and he should have realized it a long time ago and how he isnt going to pursue new girl. He kept asking me if it was too late now that I have a boyfriend. I was trying to fend his drunken ass off but I must admit it was so nice to hear him say all those things after I had liked him so much for so long! I knew it was wrong and I promised myself after the last double dip that I wouldn’t do it again, but I did it anyway! I went up into his apartment with him and we had the hottest and longest sex session we have ever had together! I mean, we rocked it! And he admitted it and how sexy he thought I was :) Of course in the middle of it Steven was texting me (God its like he KNOWS. Everytime I go to Ryans, Steven calls me). I finally made it home but I knew I couldn’t see two men in one night so thank God Steven was asleep by the time I got home. I ended up showering and going out to the bar again and making out with Boise Boy again!!!

"Day on the Dock" (July 12)

The next day Ryan called me up and we ended up doing a couple errands and then going out to his BFF's dock to fish and swim and spend the day. That night my main man slept over. I cant believe how much had happened in one weekend and altho I was a bit disapointed in myself for doing that to Steven, in a way I did it cuz I was mad at him cuz he wouldn’t commit to me so I thought "fuck it! I can do what I want!" And altho I must admit I was feeling pretty confident snagging two hot guys in one weekend, I knew it was time to stop all the foolishness and be someone Steven could trust.

Somewhere in that week Ryan and I had a great phone conversation. We flirted and talked about important stuff and he reminissed about our escapade! Then he talked about his upcoming birthday and how his buddy was gonna have a party at his lake house for him and how he wanted to get dirty with me down on the beach!

"The Talk"

I cnt remember exactly when we finally did talk- but I think it was this week but it might have been the next. It was pretty clear we still had the hots for eachother and we were gonna keep sleeping together despite what he said on the forth. We never did have the long involved emotional talk I was hoping for, but what I do remember is him coming over one night and him sitting on the couch with my legs over him and me telling him how sorry I was for how stupid things got and how I now realize that I was pushing him into somehting he wasn’t ready for. I told him how I react badly when Im not getting what I want and my actions only further push away the exact thing Im trying to hang onto. I told him Ive realized I need to chill out and just let things be the way they are gonna be. He said "I agree with that statement" and that was that. I cant believe all that freaking out really ended up not being much of anything- altho I am scared that it did change the way he feels about me.

"The Drunken Weekend"

Lisa's Birthday July 16
Golf Tourney July 17
Spokompton Bachelorette Party July 18

"Steven's Near Miss" July 21

Ryan had his court case and was super stoked cuz he got what he wanted and I had gone over to his place after work to celebrate with him. Then of course Steven calls me- why does he always do that! I lied my face off about where I was, apologized to Ryan and quickly got out of there. Met with Steven at the bar. It was nice to just sit and talk with him. He did the cutest thing….he was talking about his court stuff and not having the $ to finish the counseling and being worried about having a warrant out for him. He was all stressed about it but then finally said "fuck it, I don’t care…but you know what I do care about?"...and he pointed to me! Okay, pretty sweet :)

And on the way home he got pulled over and I thought he was going to jail but he got away scott free! What a punk! we had a great night tho. We had hot couch sex! It was really hot in my house so he started playfully spitting water on me and I was wearing a white tee shirt so it got all wet and it ended up being this hot fun thing and it turned us both on so much we had more sex about 1am after we had both fallen asleep and woken up again. Then AGAIN at about 5am. We didn’t sleep much that night!

Girls Night July 24-

Went out to Lisa's but didn’t have very much fun and ended up missing Cortney going out to the bars and Steven getting into a fight and getting kicked out of my fav bar and Ryan breaking up the fight and being the one to tell me about it!

Bashing Wes' Truck July 25

Drunk Dials from Naughty Little Body…

Didn’t hear from Steven all weekend…

July 27- he texted He texted me Monday about getting kicked out of the bar and Monday night but he didn’t come over. There was a cool storm going on and he teased me by asking me if I wanted to watch with him but then said "too bad Im in bed!" Brat.

He came over Tuesday but I don’t think I heard anything from him the rest of the week….I was starting to worry again….even tried calling him about the Priest Lake camping trip he said he wanted to go on but he never returned my calls.

Priest Lake July 31
I went and had fun without him after not hearing from him all week. Low and behold I get home and find all these voice and text messages from him about how hes sorry for being a jerk and how he has relationship issues and asking if Im ignoring him. I was kinda glad he got a taste of his own medicine but looking forward to seeing him at the wedding.

Day of Weddings Aug 1
The night started out kind of iffy I wasn’t sure how things would go when I saw him, if he had gotten my message, how he would act around his ex, etc. He kinda ignored me at first but I just did my thing and had fun with friends. I got really wasted and sad, thinking he didn’t care about me, doesn’t want to be with me, etc. For a few days I had been wondering if what I really needed to do is just let him go and see if he chased after me. He freaked out about Kenny (thinking it was a different guy) and said something really mean to me "You look innocent but you're not". OUCH. So I had a lot of emotions going on, and weddings are hard for me anyway, so I ended up being the drunk crying girl for part of the night. Lisa's newphew latched onto me and we ended up going off together having a conversation. Even tho it was about Steven, Steven still was like "oh that’s your new boyf huh".

But I shouldn’t have been so upset and shouldnt have worried so much about him not caring about me. He does- and people tell me that- he just has a funny way of showing it. He did come to my rescue when I hurt my foot that was pretty cute :)

I think the dust is starting to settle. Maybe its cuz we've past the cruical 90 day mark. Maybe its cuz Ive been thinking a lot about how I need to approach this. I think mostly my attitude is what was changed. You know Im feeling a lot better about the situation now that I know him better. and all that crap and drama we went thru is almost good because its made us closer and made me think about a lot of stuff. I shouldn’t be in any hurry to make him my boyfriend. We basically act like it anyway, hes just not ready to say it and Im not going to rush him. Hes not ready because hes still so hurt about his ex, and sensitive about being cheated on because of what his brother went thru. I think in this case its going to take time because I have to proove to him that I am worthy to be his girlfriend. I have to earn his trust and let him know I can be trusted with his heart. And really theres nothing wrong with going slow, in the end it will be better because once I do become his offical girlfriend I will know its because he really wants me to be and not just because we are sleeping together. So, what this means is, I have to be "good" and be loyal to him so I can honestly give him what he is looking for. At first I thought he was putting the cart before the horse by asking for my loyalty before making me his girlfriend, but now I understand that I need to show him I worthy of the girlfriend status by being loyal. Its weird too cuz all my horoscopes lately are right on! Today's for example…I will close with this…

That old saying is true: you can't hurry love. You also can't pressure someone into being your romantic fantasy - but who's to say that your lover is not!? With the Moon quincunx Mercury, you have the tendency to let your mind and heart fight it out inside you, resulting in emotional confusion and overreactions, especially in love. You may just need to sit back, relax, and let your partner love you the way they want to naturally...you may find it's more than you ever hoped for!

The boys fought about me!!!

Holy shit what they say about how life can change in the drop of a hat is exactly correct!!! My worst fear came true- the 2 current men in my life had a run in!- but its looking like all its all working out for the better!

After not hearing from Steven for over a week, and shedding tears over him, I had damn near written him off. The same thing basically happened with Sean and altho I wanted desperately to call and stalk and leave messages for him until I got him to talk to me, I finally decided it wasn’t worth my time. If he wanted me, he would call me. And I tried to convince myself I didn’t want a guy that would treat me like that anyway. So I never did leave him any kind of message or anything, I just let it go, and started to move on with my life. Altho this was difficult and painful, I knew it was for the best but still I couldn’t stop thinking about him and agonizing over what I had done so wrong to make him dump me. I felt like a giant looser- I mean if such an immature looser didn’t want to be with me what was so wrong with me??? Truth is, I missed him. I missed his adorable toothy smile and his gorgeous eyes and his laugh and the way he used to mess around with me. I missed spending time with him. I missed having him there to roll over and cuddle on when I woke up in the morning. I missed the sex. I missed the backrubs and the cuddling and the kissing and just having someone around. Theres nothing like loosing somebody to make you realize how much you want them. (Hmmm maybe that’s what he came to realize also?)

Anyways so literally the night (Monday) I had planned on being the last straw is the night it all happened. Go figure. Why do men always come back into my life just as I am starting to get over them?! Damn it. Anyway I had just gotten into bed around 11:30 and heard my phone chime with a text. Low and behold- it was Steven. I was almost scared to open it, but of course I did anyway, with a pit in my stomach. It was cryptic, at best. It read "just met your bf Ryan". WTF?!?! Ok. So I replied "huh" just trying to get a feel for the situation. His reply "ya he doesn’t like me very much". OK, still again, no insight into the situation. I was laying in bed and could only imagine what wad going on wherever they were, I figured the bar. I thought about it for a while and finally replied "hes not my bf but a friend who doesn’t want to see me hurt. which I am right now." PERFECT. I didn’t expect a reply. Or a dump reply. But…."Im sorry I hurt you TripleSGirl. But you freaked me out so I gave some distance". Ok, nothing too weird, typical guy-freak out mode. He said I just got too all about him. Ok, don’t you want me to like you? Besides, hes the one who was always saying how much he liked me. Whatever. Why do men freak out and pull away the moment they realize they have actually fallen for someone???

So I still didn’t really know the situation except that whatever had just taken place was causing Steven to actually talk to me. So I called Ryan and asked WTF was going on down there. It must have just happened just he was drunk and really worked up. He was so worked up I could barely understand what he was saying. But apparently he was with Chad (Steven's boss) and saw Steven and for some reason went right up to him and said "hey- Im Ryan". I guess Steven tried to play it off like he didn’t know who Ryan was, but we all know that’s not the case. Then Ryan said "youre dating my friend Sara". Again Steven tried to act like he didn’t know what Ryan was talking about but I guess Ryan must have persisted cuz whatever he was saying made Steven uncomfortable. I guess he was giving Steven shit about treating me like crap. GO RYAN YOU ARE MY KNIGHT IN SHINKING AMOUR! Yep, he did that for me! He obviously cares about me enuf to confront someone whos being a jerk to me! Risking his own safety! OMG Im getting hot flashes just thinking about it. Yep I now picture the man carrying a sword riding a white horse. Ahhh…

Steven said Ryan was trying to play it cool but had his fists clenched the whole time. With how worked up Ryan was and Steven's response I swear to God I thought they were gonna get into a fight! Ya Ryan does not like him. Thinks hes just a punk kid who doesn’t deserve me and who I shouldn’t be with. (So who I should be with Ryan-you? Ya you don’t want me). Anyways it must have scared some sense into Steven because that night he came over and groveled. Said how sorry he was over and over again. How he didn’t mean to hurt me. How he just got freaked out and didn’t like little things I was going. Just little things. He just said it was moving too fast and he didn’t like it. He said he missed me and he really likes me. So to me it seems salvagable. He kept asking for my foregiveness and if I was mad at him and I said no Im not mad but I do have some things to think about. So now I think I have him in the perfect place. Let him grovel. Let him sweat. Let him proove that heis worthy of my time. But secretly I know Im going to take him back I missed that man and I wasn’t ready for him to be gone! :) :) :) God this better work out…I cant handle much more of the up and down.

The ironic thing about this is, if whatever Ryan said truly is the reason Steven came to his senses, Ryan may have inadvertanlty saved my relationship with a guy he doesn’t want me to be with. He also heightened my feelings for him, which isnt helping the situation! So now while I am gonna give Steven another shot (IF we talk more and Im satisifed that things will change), I want Ryan even more now. He came to my rescue and defended my honor and theres just nothing sexier than that!

So…we will see how this all plays out…but the way I see Ive still got both of these men…and while its not great that they had a negative interaction, its working out for me!!!

Goodbye to Boy Toy

Well, the fun didnt last long enough. I guess I knew in my heart of hearts that we had no longterm compatibility, but I figured we could ride it out for longer than 7 weeks! He hasnt officially ended it yet, but with all the drama as of late Im not surprised he couldnt hang. My only regret is that I didnt show him my true self, I never opened up (afraid to get hurt), well maybe I got hurt because I didnt open up and show my true self. Instead I showed some scaret dramatic side of myself that came out because I didnt really know how to go about this relationship and maybe I was never ready for it in the first place. Or maybe I should either stop expecting the bad boys to change, or just stop dating them altogether (but good guys dont turn me on!).
Anyways he's too chicken shit to actually break up with me, he hasnt even tried to send a text, he just slowly started becomming unresponsive until now he completely ignores me. Even saw him driving the other day and my wave was met by an awkward wave back (more of a brush off) and a very weird look. WTF?! Ya we'd had some drama as of late but I thought we were past it and the last time I saw him everything was fine! I cannot believe hes immature enough to not even talk to me face to face. I know someone like that is probably not worth my time, but still I cant help but want him. I wasnt done with him yet! I wasnt done looking at his beautiful face and feeling proud that I finally snagged him :) I wasnt done with the great sex and the sleepovers and the cuddling and the backrubs and the hanging out camping sailing at the lodge etc. I had plans for us for the rest of the summer. I was looking forward to being my new (svelt) self and having a boyfriend all summer. The worst of it is that the 6 of us had a great thing going (3 couples, all friends) and now thats over :(.

I cant decide if i want to force the issues by leaving him a message saying he needs to face me because Im afraid he just wont do it. I have some of his stuff, but am I and his stuff worth so little to him that he will blow it off just to avoid talking to me, or talking about his feelings? I feel so hurt and insulted...like a looser like this is dumping ME?! well then I must be the bigger looser...not only because I am letting him get away with it, but because I still want him.

More drama

Ok so this Friday I went out with a whole group of people to go to the bars and the reggae concert. Steven was bounching at the concert. The first part of the night was fine, everything was cool and I was splitting my time between the group and Steven. Anyways it got crazy tho….
Last weekend Lisa and I were at the bar and we were drunk and having girl talk and I let it slip that Wes and I had hooked up back when we were lifties (way before he and Lisa even met). I thought she knew but I guess not and when we got back it caused this huge fight between them. They were screaming at eachother and Lisa was throwing his tools all over the yard and Wes hauled the fuckin kitchen table out and burned it on the fire and broke a lamp which ended up cutting his hand really bad. I was drunk and puking all over the place and poor Steven was left holding the crying baby while all the drama insued. Then on Friday, in the middle of a crowded bar, Wes went off on me about it. He made me feel like a giant piece of crap when I already felt bad. I talked to Lisa about it and her side of the story is way different than his so now Im not sure what to think. She seems cool with it but he is obviously not. He totally went off on me and made me cry in the middle of a crowded bar. I went to the bathroom and while I was in there, Steven called to say he was done with the concert and was heading home. I definitely wanted to get out of that bar, and I debated between going home with Steven and going to meet Ryan (who had been texting me and calling me all night to try and get me to meet up with him). But I was a good girl and I went with Steven but it was lame cuz he ended up falling alseep right away.

Saturday- I had plans to go down to CDA and I asked him if he wanted to go, he said he wasn’t sure and to call before I left. So about a half hour before I was planning on leaving I called and he said he had just gotten home and needed a shower and a nap first. I said okay I will call you in an hour. I called and he said he wanted to sleep for a bit longer. So I wanted another hour and called again and he didn’t answer twice so I said 'fuck it' and left. (and he says waiting on me is a pain in the ass- I waited for his ass for 2 hours). Then after I got down there he sent me a text saying "you leave yet?". I was like ya, sorry, but I waited a long time for you and you didn’t answer your phone. Then I thought everything was cool he replied back saying "that’s cool I needed a nap and you had people to party with". Then a couple hours later he text and asked me if I was staying the night. I said I wasn’t sure yet cuz I had been drinking. He replied saying I was gonna stay down there and hook up with some guy. So I replied saying he has nothing to worry about I was just hanging with friends. Then he fucking sent me a message trying to break up with me. Seriously? Over text? For doing absolutely nothing wrong?? I tried to call him a few times but he wouldn’t take my call. I finally got so fed up I decided to drive home and confront him. So I got home and he still wouldn’t answer my calls so I went over to his house. I walk in and hes just like "hey what up" like everything is normal. I asked him what the deal was and he said he was joking about the whole thing. Well I don’t know, I think he just said that to avoid confrontation, but nonetheless fucking stupid. So I gave him a lecture about how lame it was to try and break up over text message, especially when I was doing nothing wrong, and how lame it is to not answer my calls espeically after I drove home (after drinking) just to talk to him. I said if it was a joke it wasn’t very funny. Then he totally apologized. God how lame!!! And he says Im crazy. If this juvenile crap doesn’t stop soon he's done! Theres only so much you can put up with even if he is gorgeous LOL :)

On a good note...

After my previous post where things were all amuck with Steven, we talked, and got a lot of it out but not everything. At least from my perspective. But something that night seemed to be working cuz it was the first time when we were having sex I felt like we were actually making love. It was amazing! So sensuous! Honestly I wasnt sure he had that side, or really liked that kind of sex. I mean, the sex the night before was cant even wait long enuf to get our clothes off, tounge-thrust hot kissing and me riding him and grinding as hard as I could and him slapping my ass sex. Couch sex LOL. Then he comes back the next time with a much more slow and sensual mood...wanted to slow down (ahh I love the slow burn) and lay down real close on top of him so our bodies were pressed together and we could feel eachothers warm skin and body movements and touch eachother intimatly. He kept kissing me real slow and sweet and holding onto my neck and pulling me close to him. We made love for over an hour and I came hard but he never did (drunk?!). So of course he was raring to go after a few hours sleep. I awoke at 5am to him kissing my forehead and stroking my face. It was so sweet- but I knew he had alterior motives! Ya we didnt get much sleep that night :)

Crazy night

Last night Neighbor Boy and I had plans to watch a movie but I ended up going out to dinner with the fam and he ended up going to the bar. So after dinner I went to the bar to find him and when I walked in he was talking to his ex girlfriend and her new boyfriend. Can you say awkward?!! He bought us all a round of shots and was trying to be all buddy-buddy with the guy but it wasn’t really working. Then he said that he and Jenni talked but he wouldn’t tell me what about. and he says hes over it and he doesn’t care but then why was he trying so hard to make friends and hang out with them? and he was even talking to the bartender about her and I overheard a little bit and when I asked about it they both told me "don’t worry about it". well how can I not worry about the fact that he is more concerned with his ex and her new man then he is with me?! Arg. anyways I tried to make nice with them too and they just scowled at me when I tried to talk to them. Ya, it was really awkward.

It was a fun night at the bar there were a lot of people out and a lot of people I know. This guy Derek was there (he knows both Steven and Ryan and has seen me with both). Well he is a cool guy and he was totally hitting on me. Told me I looked sexy and told me I shouldn’t be with Steven cuz he has too many issues and he was all touchy-feely with me. But he has a bitchy little girlfriend so Im not getting involved...plus Ive got too much going on already! Feast or famine right?

A ton of other guys were hitting on me too. I don’t know what it was about last night but I had swarms of them around me LOL! I probably looked nasty too, I was in my softball clothes and all dirty and stuff. Maybe that’s what they liked LOL.

My friend Anna was there also (met her thru Sean) so I talked with her for a long time. Even talked about Sean and she totally badmouthed his new girlfriend and said she likes me a lot more :)

So Steven basically ignored me the whole night…we just each did our own thing…doesn’t even notice that all these guys are hitting on me cuz hes too preoccupied talking to other girls…until the one freakin second I step outside to answer Ryan's phone call. Then of course he notices and calls me up asking me where the fuck I went and why I took only my phone and all this. So I had to hang up on Ryan to answer Steven's call so he wouldn’t be suspicious. Then….

…. who walks into the bar…RYAN! Oh crap. I grabbed his arm when I saw him and he turned around and gave me a big hug and I look up and Steven is standing right there but I don’t know if he saw or not. Oh, OMG this is so weird, Ryan's friend Chad is Steven's new boss! Chad and Ryan were together and when Chad went up to talk to Steven, Ryan went too and for a while the 3 of them were talking and the whole time I was like FUCK FUCK FUCK. Ryan knows who Steven is and what he looks like but Steven has no clue who Ryan is. My saving grace is that Ryan goes by his last name so I don’t think Steven will make the connection. But still- fucking weird!!

Then Ryan took off but he called me again later and left me the sweetest voicemail. Called me baby and used my first name (he usually calls me Murdock or one of his nicknames for me). So I called him back and he was saying "oh we never hang out anymore and I miss you and oh you have a boyfriend now". Then he turned up the song on the radio and started singing to it but sustituing the words and saying stuff about missing me and whatnot. It was so adorable he is such a ham!

I knew this would happen. As soon as I went off to be with someone else he realized his feelings for me. So this is definitely working out to my advantage!

Then Steven and I left and went to my house and talked for a little bit then went to sleep. I asked him why he never says the things he used to- like calling me sweet and sexy and beautiful and saying how much he likes me all the time. What he said really really scares me. He said "well I guess my feelings about you have changed". :( He says he feels like I like him too much for us only knowing eachother 6 weeks. But that’s such a catch 22 cuz hes the one who was so into me in the beginning! (He does have issues for sure). But nonetheless, I guess what Im gonna have to do is play hard to get for a while so he can reel me back in. I just have to be really careful not to cross the line with Ryan cuz I am really tempted to hang out with him, especially if Im gonna cool it a little bit with Steven.

Im very frustrated, dissapointed, and unsure. Steven wants peace and everything to be cool just like I do. He wants me to just chill and not worry about stuff. But its very hard for me to remain cool and calm when Im unsure about the state of things between us. I need reassurance. But the more I worry, the more I annoy him and drive him away. So I guess what I need to do is just back off a bit and if he wants me, he will come to me. VERY hard for me to do but it might be the right move here. What I really want to do is make him see that his issues are whats causing us the problems, not mine, he is so wrapped up in what happened with his ex and his brother's wife and his friends girlfriends and he projects that onto me. I want to make him see that he should look in a mirror every once in a while! But really I think that’s just going to backfire. I think I should just back off and see what happens, knowing that Im doing it by choice which will hopefully give me the power back. I just have to be strong enuf to realize that maybe I have to handle my insecurities on my own and let some stuff go rather than confronting him- only because he is the one who cant handle it, not me. Its either going to take some time and he will come around, or it wont change anything and we still might break up. I hope not, but Im not sure theres any longterm compatibility here. I guess honestly Ive known that from the very beginning :(. So as much as I want him to see my side of things too, maybe I shouldn’t make waves, just ride it out and have fun while it lasts with a hot guy :)