The Reconciliation

The Breakup

Jan 3

The Choice

Its official

Oct 31

To make waves or not to make waves?

Not much to report right now. Things are actually going pretty well. Steven showed his compassionate side by taking care of a very drunk me last weekend! And I returned the favor by picking up his drunk ass from the bar a few days later. I wish I could spend more time with him, I mean we are both unemployed its not like we have any real commitments! So while I would like to take advantage of this time he doesnt seem to want to. It seems business as usual for him, which means having plenty of space. Which I dont get, after what all Lisa has told me about how he was with his ex. It seems with her he couldnt get enough...always wanted to be with her...always wanted to hang out with her and her friends...letting her drive his car all the time, etc etc. Well, he barely lets me drive his car, only 3x has he let me. The first time as a birthday present, the second time just a quickie beer run, and the third time cuz we were out in BFE and we onky had his car and I wanted to go back into town but he didnt. Then he turns around and lets Lisa drive it on 6 hour roadtrip. Whatever. So that kind of pisses me off. And he was so clingy with his ex, and now he accuses me of being that way. So I dont understand how he can be one extreme with her and another extreme with me. Maybe Im taking it too personally, but it makes me think that he doesnt feel as strongly about me as he did her; that he doesnt like me as much. I mean some days it feels like he wants nothing to do with me and that he is only in this for the sex. I mean, we never talk about anything serious or deep, I have never really heard him refer to me as his girlfriend, he doesnt go out of his way for me at all, and in fact half the time seems downright annoyed with me. he wont meet my parents- even after I told him they called him a wuss! Maybe I am reading things all wrong because sometimes he acts really into me, and he was especially in the beginning. I want to find out what he thinks and feels, where this is going, what he wants, etc. But I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place because I feel like I cant talk to him about anything. Anytime I try to talk about anything he just shuts down and gets pissed and says he hates this part of relationships. And if I express my negative feelings about something he thinks Im freaking out and he freaks out. He just cant handle it. And altho sometimes making waves isnt worth it (I prefer everything to just be cool calm and good), I cant let my feelings get ignored, which I promised myself I wouldnt let that happen anymore. So I think i need to try and talk to him, I mean its been 6 months, I think I deserve that at least. I think I will sit him down and tell him that there is stuff I need to say but I feel like I cant talk to him and just see what he says. I do like him, a lot, and I never thought it would get this far because I didnt think there was any long term compatibility. And I guess Im still wondering if thats still the case and we are drawing out the inevitable here. I dont want to be together out of boredome or convienence or just for sex. I want to be together because we really like eachother and are interested by eachother and have a desire to be together with only eachother. So I hope this is what he is feeling but I think I have to come to terms with the fact that this may just be for fun and that it will, in due time, end. So thats one other reason Ive been letting a lot stuff slide and not make waves, cuz I want our time together to be good if its going to be short. But now I think is the time to maybe make a few waves....

Infedelity and sexual pasts....

As Ive been milling over the events of the last couple days, I can't help but feel like maybe I deserve whats been happening because I've been unfaithful. No matter how I justified it at the time, what it boils down to is that I shouldn't have done it. And now I'm worried that Steven has done/is doing/plans on doing the exact same thing. And while that makes me sick to my stomach and like I want to pummel him- I have to realize that maybe I deserve it. Turnabouts fair play. I'm a cheater cheater cheater! FUCK! Someone I never wanted to be. And something I never wanted to be on the receiving end of. But I think I have to come to terms with the fact that I may be. I dont want to jump to conclusions, but also I cant be naive. I mean, he is 22. He is hot. He can get pretty drunk sometimes. Plus- I cant possibly be enough to satisfy him!

Last night he came over, despite Lisa telling me I should ignore him for a couple days to give him a wake up call. I just couldnt do that, I wanted so badly just to make things better again so I didnt have to go around with a knot in my stomach. If it ends, it ends, but I wasnt going to let it end on a completely retarded note for no apparent reason! We had a good night last night. He kinda talked about what had been going on but not in a real serious or intense way- which is I think the way to approach him. We called eachother out on shit but in a friendly, joking way to where I think we each got the point but it didnt turn nasty or stupid.

We cuddled real close on the couch and it felt so good to just be in his arms- something I wasnt sure would ever happen again. Then he started messing around with me like he normally does, getting me all turned on. Before he came over I wasnt in the mood and I wasnt going to let him back in my pants that easily- but I admit, I caved. Hes just so good at turning me on! And once we got started I realized how badly I did want it and it had been over a week. He kept pulling me close and kissing me and using his fingers on me until I was so wet neither of us could stand it anymore. It was couch sex- quick and thrusty and awesome! And our orgasms were perfectly timed together! It was amazing and I loved it :)

We went back to cuddling and watching the movie then we started wrestling and messing around again. He was tickling me like crazy and I was screaming and screeching so much I was afraid the neighbor would come to see what was up! We started talking again and I dont know how it came up but he mentioned the name of the "buddy" he left my bed to go drink with the other night and used the pronoun SHE. WTF?! Oakley is a girl! I knew it! I got playfully pissed and he knew it! He knew he was being kinda shady that he didnt tell me he was going to hang out with female friends! Then he started volunteering information...."well we dated in high school but we never fucked". Oh great, Steven, that makes me feel a lot better. So that means since you never fucked you probably still hold a torch for her. I wasnt all that pissed that he left when i thought it was dudes he was going to hang out with. But now that I know he left my bed to go get drunk with an ex girlfriend?? Hmmm Im not sure if Im cool with that. It would so not be cool for him to have someone on the side after he gives me so much shit about it. Oh, and then he told me he cheated on 2 girlfriends. Great. "Friends" with exes, a cheating past, accusing me of doing it, and getting bent out of shape when I confront him. I have to say the signs dont line up in my favor. I think its possible that we are both in crazy town if we believe we are in a monogamous relationship.

But maybe I shouldnt put too much stock in his past. I wish he wouldnt put so much stock in mine, altho I know he does, cuz guys want to believe that no other man's naked body has touched yours and somehow you've been magically saving yourself all these yours for only them. They especially dont want to know or be friends with any of the guys from your past, which unfortunately happens in a small town....also a bi-product of me and others being a big mouth!!!

***Note to self, lesson for next time, dont tell new man about old men unless they ask!!!***

What i really want to tell Steven is not to trip about my past. Ya, some of the guys he happens to know. But its a small town and I probably know some of his girls too. I want to tell him that I slept with those guys for all the wrong reasons. Its not because I was some out-of-control hyper sexual slut who couldnt get enough of the strange dick. Its because Im an easily-persuaded person who got roped into it. I just went it with it because I thought the guys wanted me. I thought oh maybe this one will really love me and care for me. I was just desperately grasping for the love and solid connection I seek And the more guys I had casual sex with, the worse I felt about myself and the less confidence I had to know I was better than that. The more guys that dropped me after they got want they wanted out of me, the lower I felt. I wondered, why am I not worthy of love? So the more desperate and despondant I felt, the more easily I was persuaded by these guys to just do what they wanted. Ya, it sucks. Its not a path you want to go down. But the good thing, Im smarter than that now. I have the life experience to realize what those guys were really after and Im smart enuf to avoid that now. But I am still struggling with the confidence issues, and telling myself I deserve only the best. I still let guys walk all over me sometimes, and I still sometimes get left in the dust, but my slutty past is far behind me and I wish he could somehow know that.

WTF weekend

Ok, readers, if I have any! Hopefully you have been keeping up on my saga because here is where I need some advice regarding Main Man, Neighbor Boy, Steven. Up until last week things had been great. Then it all started to get really stupid really fast. All of this on the heels of me deciding once and for all to stop messing around with the other guy cuz he deserves my loyalty and thinking that lately things have been going really good. I mean, we even had a moment there where I swear he called himself my boyfriend! And while we were holding eachother I told him I wanted us to trust eachother and do right by eachother and he agreed and then we made sweet love. I thought things were on the right track and about to round the big 6-month bend in the road. I mena, read the last couple paragraphs of the post...

My man sticking up for me! and other awesome things

But then...

Tuesday I went out with friends after work and he kept bugging me texting me giving me a hard time for being out. Its really starting to bug me that he does that cuz I never can tell if hes joking or if he really thinks I am out cheating on him. Either way it still pisses me off. I don’t constantly bug him when I know hes out with friends. So anyways the next day I asked him if he really was pissed that I was out with friends or was he just joking. He said he was just joking and that was that. I thought nothing else of it.

Then Wednesday night he came over and I thought everything was fine but then he started texting someone and didn’t say who and then right as we were laying down to bed he got a call and then got up and left. He told me he had to go meet some friends at the bar.

Being suspicious….Wednesday I asked him if he understands that if he is asking me to be loyal that I expect the same from him. He got defensive and said "sheesh I was just out with friends". Then I said "answer the question and we can move on". And he never answered the question directly. He just said "okay" not "yes".

Thursday night he came over to change my oil (after me asking 3 times) and then took off out to Wes and Lisa and didn’t invite me.

Friday we had plans but then when I called to say I was leaving my house he said he changed his mind he was going to Wes and Lisas again. Again no invite. I asked him if its just me or does it seem like he doesn’t want to hang out with me lately. He said "well, you're acting weird." I asked him to elaborate but he wouldn’t. He just said we would talk about it later. I can only assume he was weired out by the questions I had asked him earlier in the week. But why would he be unless he is defensive about something?!

Saturday I went down to CDA and he called me about 7pm and when I told him I was in CDA, his first question "are you alone?". I said yes (I was alone). He said ok call me when you get home. So I called when I got home but he didn’t answer.

He called a couple hours later and my phone reception was cutting in and out so we were having a hard time hearing eachother and then the call got dropped. So I called him back- twice- on the land line but he didn’t answer. Ok, weird. Then he sends me a text an hour later saying "whats your deal? are you out humping some other dude? I tried talking to you but it was like talking to a brick wall". Ok. Im not a brick wall. I wasn’t refusing to talk to him. It was the phone reception jackass. And why would he think Im out if I called him right back on the LAND LINE from my house. I pointed that out to him and he said no you didn’t call me. I said yes I did- twice! and then he said oh, well my phone's been acting weird and dropping calls. I said okay then- your phone is acting weird and so is mine! Theres nothing to fight about! He just said he was going to bed and maybe he would talk to me tomorrow.

I was so flabbergasted I didn’t know what to do. I said okay talk to you later then. He was getting mad at me over nothing! The tension was very high tho. I feel like hes just trying to pick a fight with me, altho I don’t know why. WTF?!? Oh and I left him a voicemail Sunday morning saying this is dumb I don’t want to fight about stupid stuff there is nothing to fight about so please call me back. And I havent heard from him since. And his car wasn’t at his house this morning.

So what do you think readers….Im sick to my stomach right now….