Letter to Sean

I don't even know where to begin. I am sick to my stomach over this whole thing. I know whats been going on. I mean, I knew this would happen, but I thought you meant you might have a one night stand with a random girl, I didn’t think it would become a regular thing with someone else and I didn't think you would pick someone I know. And I didn’t think you would blow me off for her. I would be fine with it if I were blissfully ignorant- but I know everything now. Everyone has told me. Plus I could guess by the way you were acting. I wish I could say this doesn't bother me, but it really does. It makes me sick to think of you two together and of you wanting to spend time with her over me. It makes me sick to know that maybe you see in her what you didn't see in me. But more than that I am pissed off and frustrated.

I mean, on one hand you say I didn’t have what you wanted, yet I feel like I never got the chance to show you myself. You didn’t want to know, you didn’t care, you didn’t want to get to know me as a person. And I was okay that, because not sharing myself is the only way I have to protect myself from getting hurt, but I am not okay with the fact that I feel you are using what you think you know about me against me. You don’t know me and havent seen those deeper sides of me, so you don’t know what I am really like. All you know is who I am on the surface and the deeper sides of me are much more damaged, angry and depressed. I just don’t know show that part of myself very easily at all. And you never gave me the chance. But now you've made up your mind that we arent compatible and so that’s that I guess. Its just so frustrating! Maybe I see more than you see, or maybe Im just plain crazy, but I really do think we could have worked as a couple. In fact I think we would have been great together.

Although the time we spent together was short, we did have fun times. Remember the first night we met and how we had an instant connection? Remember how fun it was sneaking off to go joy riding together and how you pulled me close to you and said how much you liked me? Remember how many things we found we had in common when we actually talked? Remember how cool it was when I pulled you out of that ditch and we high fived, like we made a great team. Remember all the nights sitting alone together at your house and me just listening to you play guitar and talk? Remember the great times in bed and the awesome sex? I just cant help but think that we couldve had a house full of kids and animals and how sweet that could have been.

I know you think that my life is so together, so perfect, and that we couldn’t be together because you cant help me back. Well if you would just give me the chance and be trustworthy, I would show that part of myself to you. Its just very hard because my whole life I have always been the strong one. I have been the one to listen to and help others. I have always thought that if I expressed my emotions it made me weak. And the times I did open up to someone, my heart got stomped on. So I guess over the years I have just become more bitter and hurt and closed off. I know I don’t show that on the outside but inside I am really a very insecure person who is struggling with pain, depression, insecurity, uncertainty, and and anger. And maybe I havent lived on the streets and been abondoned my my family and beaten as child and had to kill to survive, but it doesn’t mean I havent had shit happen in my life. It just so happens I have pain and struggles too. I was molested as a child by the teenage boy that lived with my parents. I was raped a few years ago. One of my best friends in the world had a serious drug problem and ended up comitting suicide. I am a child of an alcoholic and have my fair share of substance issues. I have had 4 family members die in the past 2 years. My mom has cancer. I don’t even come close to living up to my younger sister and I have a lot of angst about it. I had a physically and emotionally abusive boyfriend who almost forced me to marry him. I have had many many years of relationship struggles and the ups and downs that go with it. I have been cheated on, pushed around, dumped so many times, and just been walked all over by almost everyone in my life who was supposed to care for me. My best friend and boyfriend betrayed me by having a relationship behind my back. I have been taken advantage of and beaten down and left to believe I was nothing. With each thing that happens to me I just become more closed off and bitter and more terrified. Some days I honestly don’t want to go on anymore. I am so afraid that I will never find happiness, either within myself or with someone else. I have tried to make it work with so many different men and each time it just ends in pain and sadness for me. I want so badly to find that person that I do feel comfortable opening up to, that will be my rock and my shoulder to lean on, as well as I can be that for them. I want someone who I can share my pain and my struggles with and who truly cares about me and wants to see me happy. I want to find that partner to go through life with, to learn and grow with, and that I know will always be there for me. I want to find someone who I have such a strong connection with that we could never let each other go. I am dissappointed that we never got far enough to share that with eachother, but if that’s not the place you are in then it wouldn’t have worked anyway. I cant cant help but think that we could have at least tried to be a couple, seen where it went. But you've got your head up your ass! You are so convinced of what you want, and what you think I am, that you are too closed-minded to see the real possibilties. I believe I am everything you need but if don’t agree then Im not going to waste my time trying to convince you. If you don’t see how great I am than theres nothing I can do or say to make you see it. I just hope that for sake, you are able to open up and find love again, I know you will, you just have to be open to it. And you have to realize that there may be no perfect time or no perfect person or no perfect situation, but that it can- and will- happen for you again.