New Years Revelations

Well, that time is upon us...passed actually...the turning over of the new year. I cannot believe its 2009! Normally New Years of one of my fav nites, despite some seriously crazy things happening to me on that night. I cannot recall the events of every year, but the ones I do remember...2000..Y2K scare that turned into nothing...I was proposed to! 2001, I was raped at a rave. 2003, I cheated on my boyf :( and ended up having a miscarriage. 2005, damn near had a 3-some (we kissed and groped but it didnt go past that). 2007, met Justin. 2008 big liftie party, met Kenny. 2009...not too eventful, which is great, considering I had a bad feeling about the night and it could have been a lot worse. The only things bad that happened were Donn freaking out on Bri and Sean not being there to kiss at midnight. What a putz! He said he was babysitting his dad but IDK.

I had to work New Years Eve but after work I headed home and got whored-up (as Sean's ex would say LOL). Went and picked up Bri and went to pre-funk at Sean's. Then a group of us (me, Sean, Bri, Donn, Julie, Jason, Jake, and Sean's dad) went downtown. It was fun but pretty tame. I of course got wasted, but that was my goal for the night! We met up with my sister and her boyf and some friends and rang in the new year at the good old 219. I took a shot at midnight since Sean had disappeared. He said he would make it up to me later but he didn't. I must have been too drunk to cum. I love drunk sex! I have fewer inhibitions and I am way more willing to do freaky stuff and I even tried talking dirty to him but he didnt reciprocate so either hes not into that or hes never really done it and doesnt know what to do?? Anyways...

It was a pretty fun night all in all. Sean was being very playful and flirty and was in a pretty good mood except for the times he was worried about his dad. I'm glad he decided to spend new years with me. It was nice to actually have a date for the night instead of just ending up making out with someone like the last 2 years! We walked to the gas station after the bar and he made me hold onto him (could have had something to do with the fact that i was drunk and it was icy and I was wearing heels?), and he kept slapping my ass and stuff. Then back at home while we were playing darts he was leaning into me from behind and whispering stuff in my ear and feeling me up and even picked me up over his head. It was fun to mess around with him like that. I wish it were like that all the time. But now that I now what I know, I doubt we will ever go back to that. Things are complicated now.

The Friday after new years I wanted to see him again but he didnt answer my call. Called again Saturday night and he answered but was being a total jerk and flat out said, "I dont want to hang out with you tonight". Okay...

So i was pissed and wanted to drink and get my mind off of him. Kind of hard to do when everyone I hung out with that night knew him! Damn small town cirlces! I was haning with Jac, taking tons of shots and crap, when she just happens to casually mention how she saw Sean the other night. I asked where and she said that her friends Sherry and Tish and Sean and Jake were at LBG. I didnt think much of it at the time, maybe I didnt want to face that as a possibility, but that point I knew something was up cuz the other night (see post "random Thursday night") she was there and I saw him checking her out. Then after I was already completely bombed I went across the street and ran into Jason (without Julie), Jake (without Sherry), Doug (without Erica), and Anna (without Cody). What was it, everyone fighting with their significant other that night? Everytime I run into those guys, the first thing they ask me is "wheres Sean?", but this time they didnt. I think its cuz they already knew what I didnt fully realize yet- that he was with Tish. Jake is the one who actually said it, and it was clinched by the rest of them telling how much they like me and how much of a jerk they think Sean is for doing this to me.

So needless to say this news rocked me to the core. I mean, I knew it was probably coming someday, but I didnt think this soon and I had hoped I would remain blissfully ignorant. And I didnt think he would ditch hanging out with me for her- I thought I would remain his "main GF", how patethic is that? Maybe I still am, I dont fucking know anything at this point. The fact that I know who it is really gets me. Because I can picture them in my head!! Ahhh!!! Shes young, skinny, blonde, how can I compete with that? It makes me sick to the stomach to think about it. FUCK. Fuck him. Fuck her. Fuck Sherry and Jac for knowing that he and I were already hooked up and letting it happen anyway! I bet Sherry encouraged it since she already hates me since her boyf is in love with me and she knows it!

I don't know what to do. Im scared to even talk to him. Im scared he got word of the crazy drunk shit I was pulling that night and thinks it has to do with him. Im scared hes going to tell me to piss off that she's a better lay. Im scared that I will see him again but it wont be the same. I know it wont be the same. I will be thinking about her and him spending time together. I dont think iI can have sex with him again...I will just be thinking about her. Ahh fucking dumn bitch!!! I hate you for ruining the best fucking lay Ive ever had in my life! I hate you for ruining what potentially grown into something good between us. I hate you for stealing my man!!!

So on Saturday I proceeded to drink more...spilt a drink on Anna (well actually all over me, a tine but on her, but her princess ass freaked out)...tried to hit on Jason (Anna thinks we should get together LOL)...totally flirted with Jake and basically said "lets fuck"...probably talked about Sean the whole time and how I hate him and how he doesnt care about me. Then we all went back to my place and I was so drunk that Doug wouldnt give me a ride back to my car. I was pissed so I was screaming and pounding on the windows. God, how embarassing! In front of Sean's friends, Im sure he's heard all about it by now and Im sure he knows I was upset about him. And the worst part is, Jake didnt have anywhere to stay (he had pissed off Sean earlier and he had kicked him out), so he stayed with him. Nothing happened because I spent the night in my bathroom, but Sherry was pissed the next morning. Wow she prob hates me even more and she told Tish and Tish told Sean and he thinks I did it (even tho I did nothing) to get back at him. Yikes. I think Im just freakin myself out by writing about this. I need to just talk to him, but IDK, its possible this might be the end for us....I gotta figure some shit out.

What hes doing really hurts me but per our "agreement" he thinks he has a license to do whatever he wants and he thinks he is released from all responsibility regarding my feelings. But in a way I guess he is, because I let him, because the sex is worth it, how screwed up is that?!? I still thought he wouldnt be such a jerk. I didnt think he would really do it. Or I thought he might have one night stands but I didnt think I would become secondary. I didnt think i would be sitting alone while he hangs out with her. I didnt think he would pick someone I know. God damnit. I hate that I know....it changes everything...we can never go back to the way it was. I remember the first night we met, driving in his car, us laughing so hard, him pulling me close and telling how much he likes me. I remember the easy-going nights hanging out at his house alone, listening to him play guitar and talk, having sex all night long and him making breakfast the next day. I remember the conversations laying in bed and on the phone. I remember playing poker and Risk and just chillin watchin movies. Oh well...it really is his loss but it feels like mine :( I will miss his puppy! and his dick! And also, his heart :(. The one that I was trying to open up again. :(