Alright so last night Ryan dropped the "friend" bomb. I know exactly why he did it, and I understand, but its still hard to hear. I surprised myself with my response. I actually had to hold back tears! And I found it very difficult to listen to what he was saying because I was so caught up in my own feelings. I guess my horoscope from yesterday was correct! (It said my emotional reactions would be stronger than usual). Maybe its just PMS! :) Or maybe I am still fragile from the whole Sean situation and my feelings are still really sensitive. I must admit I did get hurt by Sean. He wanted only sex and I ended up wanting more and basically being rejected. That left me feeling pretty vulnearable, not to mention that Im still sensitive about it since its not even offically over yet.
I am hesitant to get into a "friends with benefits" situation again because of the crappy way it turned out last time. That’s why I wanted to take it slow with Ryan, not to rush into sex because that always seems to ruin it for me. The guys end up getting the impression that they can have just that out of me and none of them want me for the real me. None of them want a real relationship. Why would they buy the cow if they get the milk for free?
So in the my last post I mentioned the bad timing for me. I just found out the timing is even worse than I thought. He is NOT over his last relationship and will always be tied up with her because they have a son together. I was under the impression that it ended a while ago, but no it just ended less than 2 months ago! And I know he doesn’t want to jump into anything else right now so that’s why he played the friend card. But I didn’t think I would be another rebound girl! Its pretty clear to me now that I am about to be another rebound girl and I am about to repeat my same pattern….AGAIN. I need therapy. Sigh….
He has a lot going on right now that he needs to sort out. He needs someone to talk and vent to. He needs me to listen and support…to bring him back up and give him confidence again…to counsel and advise…to do what I have done for so many others and what now must be some sort of calling because this is always what happens to me! Is it just my personality? Do I somehow sense that they need me to fix them? or do they find me? I really think they find me. I need to come to terms with this for myself. Am I really okay with this? I am okay with helping people and being a good friend but I am not okay with getting my own heart squashed. Which seems to happen. As soon as I fix them, they go on to bigger and better things…aka other girls. I get left in the dust.
I want someone who will let me vent to them too. Someone who wants to help me back. Someone who I actually feel I want to open up to. I want something real with a person I really connect with. I thought maybe Ryan had potential to be that guy, and he hasn’t proven 100% otherwise, but it appears to be leaning towards the same territory all the recent others have been. Was I stupid to think he might be different? Was I stupid to think that he might have what I am looking for long term? The crappy thing is, I think he is, its just the timing is terrible! I think I screwed this up already…my goal was not to!....silly girl! You are going to get your heartbroken again!
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