Crazy birthday weekend

This weekend was my birthday! Its a time I usually enjoy (although not quite the part about being a year older), but this weekend was just crazy with all the happenings! Its amazing how things can change at the drop of a hat. I went into the weekend thinking and feeling one way, and came of it thinking and feeling something completely different.

As usual, the drama of this weekend was due to man crap. I had a feeling that Ryan was going to ditch out on me for my birthday celebration. And even though I was prepared for it, and half expected it to happen, it still stung when I rcvd the message (a text of all things) saying he wasnt going to make it.

I know I can't force him into anything, or get pissed at him when he doesnt do what i want. So in that way I can see his point of view of not liking that i was giving him a guilt trip about not being there. But, I want people in my life who care about me enough to show up for important events. he knew it was important to me and he knew I wanted him there. But he flaked anyway (via text message, at 6pm, after I had called him 2x), stating "well I have shit going on down here" (read: another girl), or "I have shit going on in my life". Its like hes using that as a cop out for everything. Well, thats BS because I fail to see how having crap going on in his life prevents him from picking up the phone at least calling me on my bday. It didnt seem to stop him from partying with his friends all weekend! And if it is another girl, I knew he wanted to see other people, so thats not too shocking, but its upsetting since he was always giving me the speal about how he wasnt ready, and how he doesnt sleep around. Plus, this is exactly what happened with Sean. I knew he might see other girls at the same time but I didnt think ditching me for that other girl would be part of the deal.

So, he basically sent the message loud and clear that he doesnt care about me. He is so selfish...I cut him a lot of slack before and thought he was acting like that because he was going through rough time. And I wanted so badly want to be there for him, and I would have very patientally waited it out and stuck by him, if I only had some indication that eventually he would come to his senses and his selfish phase would end and he would want to start giving something back to me in return. before I felt he was worth the wait. Now, what he has done really hurt my feelings and changed the way i feel about him. Bad news, its still sucks, I still do have feelings for him, I was hoping things would work out in the end, and I cant even make myself feel better by telling him off. I just have to realize he's not that into me- otherwise he would have been there- and now I have to start the healing process for myself.

Ironic thing is....Ryan used to get pissed when I'd tell him about all the jerks from my past. Now he's one of the jerks who I've let hurt me....

The good news is- theres a new boy on the horizon! I can't believe this has all happened so fast, it hasnt even sunk in yet, but maybe Steven came along at just the right time to rescue me from a bad situation that was only breaking my heart. More on "neighbor boy" tomorrow....