I don’t what to do. On one hand I really like him and I really feel we have a connection and he is worth waiting for. But, how long do I want to wait? And am I waiting for something that isnt going to happen? Its so hard to like somebody and to have your feelings out there but not be getting any acknowledgement back from them. My problem is that I let it get to me, I let what he does affect my feelings. and I know I shouldn’t but its really hard not to because I like him and I want to be with him and that’s just how I feel.
But I cant talk to him about any of this. Ive tried and it just blows up in my face. Hes told me if I need to move on then I should do so. and if that means us not being friends than so be it. Its just, I don’t want to cut him out of my life completely, but if I continue to stay friends (or whatever we are) its going to be on his terms. And I want to stay friends with him, but only if theres hope for us to be together in the future. I know it would be too hard to see him with another girl. So I need to know if Im waiting for something that’s never going to happen. But, Im afraid to ask him that, I think backing him into a corner is the wrong thing to do. and any info he has given me regarding this is so cryptic, I don’t think even he knows how he feels.
Last week he got the call that his baby momma is taking him to court for child support and I know that threw him for a loop so its possible hes just focusing on that right now. He doesn’t seem able to handle more than one emotional situation at a time so maybe ignoring me is just his way of dealing. Its just, I have to decide, am I willing to put up with it without calling him out on it. Its only worth it if theres a payout for me in the end…..which is the big unknown here.
God I cant believe Im a stupid girl obsessing about this, but its just because of what has happened to me in the past I'm really insecure. Im so afraid that Im just gonna keep getting tossed aside over and over again. Is it me? Or is it the guys I pick? Its like, I think I pick these guys because I have a phobia of commitment, but on the other hand, what I want more than anything is the security of knowing you have someone there for you everyday.
This is one thing I don’t think I would ever have to worry about with Travis if we were together. He expresses his feelings for me and has no doubts, and that is the kind of unconditional love and security I need.
Also last night I started thinking about Derek and actually started crying. I guess I didnt realize that I do still have feelings for him until I found out he was getting married. In the back of my mind I always thought we were meant to be together and that we would get back together one day. The fact that he is about to get married to another girl (with the same name even!) and the fact that I will never see him again just makes me sick to my stomach. I guess the truth is I still love him and this has been very hard for me to deal with. I mean, I stood by his side for 4 years, waiting for him to be ready to start a life together, and now he has that happy successful life without me in it :(.
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