Up.....down....UP! :)

This weekend was up and down- which is pretty normal when it involves Ryan! But it came out good in the end so that’s good. On Friday I met up with him and Sam at LBG. Sam was WASTED. It was pissing Ryan off but honestly I was enjoying getting a laugh out of it! Ryan was already kinda on edge and he kinda snapped at me when he was talking about Sam being a dirt bag (cheating on his GF). He said "you always take the side of whoever I am talking about!" and walked away. I tried to talk to him but he was ignoring me. We were technically talking about Sam but I instantly knew it had more to do with his baby moma- what he said made me realize that he feels like he doesn’t have my support in that situation and that pissed me off because its not true so I had to set him straight. So, I tracked him down after he went outside and told him I am not on her side, she's crazy and has hurt you and your son and I am definitely on your side. So we ended up staying out in the parking lot for a long time talking. He talked about wanting to take her to court and I told him I would definitely support that. That seemed to chear him up a lot. He said he was glad he had someone positive in his life, he said me and also his friend from back home are behind him. So it good to know that now he knows I do support him and I am on his side. I guess before I didn’t want to show that too strongly because that’s a GF move, and didn’t want to freak him out, but now I realize he needs that. hes a typical man that needs to know someone stands behind him. I can do that for him! I can also tell hes pretty senstive, this whole thing has really broken his heart and fucked with his head, but I am hoping I can help him get turned around and see that things are getting better. We hugged a lot during our parking lot talk and during one really tight one he told me I was giving off positive vibes! That’s really cool he picks up on that! Cancers are so perceptive!

Anyways the night started out pretty good, our talk was good it made me feel closer to him and hopefully revealed to him that I am supporting him. But then it got bad. Sam was being a drunk dumbass and it was pissing Ryan off. Then Ryan hooked in with some people and asked me if I would put in on some stuff and I yes of course! But then he said he was taking off to go "do his thing". and I got irritated because, for one he was taking off drunk, in his car, with some girl. I had no idea who this girl was or what was going to happen or where they were going or what they were really doing. It obviously made me jealous and when I get jealous its not a pretty sight. Also it pissed me off because he knows how badly Id been wanting to do that and he said "wait by your phone I’ll call you" but I told him I knew he wouldn’t. And guess what- he didn’t! Even after I text and call him. So then in addition to being jealous and suspicious, I was scared. He didn’t know those people, he was walking into an unknown and not-to-mention illegal situation, and also driving drunk, so when I didn’t hear from him all night or the next day I started to get sick with worry. Worry about what might have happened to him and worry about what he might have done with the girl.

Finally at 8:30pm he finally gets a hold of me. I busted his balls for scaring me and not taking me to the ALL NIGHT party they had. He apologized and said he knew I wanted to go but he didn’t know what the deal was going to be and was already sketching so he just didn’t want to take me. He apologized for not getting ahold of me- I just wanted to him I care about him and was scared! he said "I know I know Im sorry but I am making up for it now!" And that he did- he shared with me what he had left. And we actually ended going back out to the people's house to hang with them and try and get our hands on more- it was pretty good. We didn’t end up getting more but with just doing a little bit between the 2 of us we were able to make it last until about 2am. I stayed over…and by the time we went to bed he was so ready to crash and I wasn’t in the mood so I thought cuddling and passing out was in order. NOT! The second I climbed under the covers he pulled me close and started kissing me. I told him I didn’t think it was a good idea but of course he persisted. It was just a total surprise! Ended up being really nice tho- prob some of the best we've had- cuz we were high and cuz we are starting to get more comfortable with one another. I just wish one time we could have sex when I want to and when Im ready!!! I slept with him that night and it was sooo nice we totally cuddled. He stroked my hair and had his arm up around me as we were falling asleep. For the first time it felt intimate…are his feelings for me starting to manifest??? I know I am starting to really fall for him! I mean- hes awesome! Hes a bit flaky and self-absorbed but so is every guy, esp. at this point inhis life. But on the positive side- he is tall, attractive, athletic, out going, sweet, talkative, interesting, life of the party, has that "star quality", fun, funny, perfect mix of serious and laid back, has the right attitude about life, wants similar things as I do, and we get along so well and have that great connection! I don’t want to get my hopes up but its hard not to, I really REALLY like him!!!!