More confusion and pain- why am I doing this to myself???

I really don’t know what to make of Ryan and I's little talk last night. It all started when I was talking about house stuff and mentioned how I would have to get a roommate once I have the mortage to help pay the bills. He said "Im cool", meaning good as a roommate. And I said Ryan, you and I cannot be roommates- that would be awkward. And he joked, ya cuz we would be doing it every night! So that led us into talking about our whole situation. I had sent him a text this weekend basically saying I wanted him. And while that would turn most guys on- I guess it didn’t fly with him. I feel like he basically told me, not on the weekends when hes hanging out with friends, like what was he supposed to do about it right then. I said I didn’t expect you to do anything about it right then, I was just voicing my feelings, and also I wanted him to know I want things to not just be on his terms. So I told him that and he said okay. Then he basically said he doesn’t want to do it very often or have weekend sleepovers and whatnot because he doesn’t want to string me along and have feelings start developing. he was worried that he was leading me on. And I said no, Im not going to sit here and say I wouldn’t like us to be together but I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me. And he said, in regards to being with me, "I do but I don’t". Im so confused! Ok saying stuff like that strings me along- not the sex!

I just don’t know if he doesn’t want to be with me because he isnt into me or he doesn’t want a GF right now, I think it might be both. Some part of me wishes he would just come out and say that so I know exactly where I stand with him, but part of me already knows that’s the case and doesn’t want to hear him say it outloud because it only hurts my feelings. He even said to me as I was leaving, "but Im a dude and attraction is #1- think about that". Ok- does that mean he is or isnt attracted to me? I think he isnt, but he is enough to have sex with me? or only when hes drunk and horny and has nothing else going on? I already told that doing that makes me feel worthless and used. And I even told him about Sean and how that was basically the same situation and how it fucked with me head. I think once I made him listen to me he has a better understanding of where I am coming from and why I kinda freak out on him sometimes.

I don’t want to be used again. I don’t want to be strung along. I don’t want to give my heart to somebody and have it squashed again. I am so tired of being the girl who is good enough to screw but not good enough to be the girlfriend. I just don’t get it- these guys are missing out. Screwing is not what I am best at. They could get that from any girl. What I can offer is trust, companionship, loyalty, support, and fun times as a girlfriend. He even said to me one time, during our "life path" conversation, that in the past he has formed relationships based on lust and he realizes it has gotten him nowhere and that they should be based on connection- which he admits we have. I just think the attraction piece is missing. But I cant be that bad to him we will have sex??? But it could just be a drunk thing and he knows I don’t want that and it makes me feel like crap. he says hes not a user but I feel like he is using me for that. At least with Sean we were using each other and we both knew it.

Part of me wants to hold back on the sex with him to hopefully make him want what he cant have…but part of me worries that if I deny him, he will just go find it somewhere else. And also I want the sex too! I want to be around him! I think everything that I am doing is only bad for me, and I see this working out just like it did with Sean only possibly worse because my feelings for Ryan are much stronger and much more true. I think this is bad for me, I should be doing it, maybe I shouldn’t be seeing him at all. I should say "all or nothing"- but not having him in my life would be worse I think. This is one of those times I need time and space to think about what I am doing to myself, but its so hard to stay away from him and get that space! But I think Im gonna try, for my own sake. Rememer, be true to yourself! Only a fool breaks his own heart! I cant wait- in a few months I will be looking good and hopefully by that time I will be dating someone else and he will be hating it!!!