Wanting more

God I've got to stop letting how Ryan acts affect me! We arent dating!! And until we are, my issues need to remain my issues and I cannot project them onto him, or hold him accountable, because it will only freak him out and drive him away. But its hard, because we are in a weird place, and I want so badly for us to be together someday, that it almost feels like we are now. So when he acts weird, and distant, and I don’t see him for a week, I get that crappy feeling in my stomach and I start to wonder whats going on. I start to wonder why guys feel like they can just toss me aside, when something better comes along, or when they don’t need me anymore. It makes me feel so small, so low, so used. Do I mean so little to these people have so little care for me that they can toss me out like yesterday's garbage? I think Ryan has more heart than that, in fact I sense that deep down he has a huge heart and wants to care, but maybe just isnt capable right now. Wow- just realized that’s the same excuse Sean used to give me- that because of the place in his life hes in, hes just doesn’t have anything to give. The thing is, I knew in the back of my mind with Sean we would probably never get there, but I sense something different with Ryan, like we really are meant to be together. I just want so badly for him to come to his senses, for him to wake up one morning and realize how badly he needs me in his life, and for him to take me in his arms and profess his love for me!!! How wonderful and amazing that would be!!! I know I need to be patient, and I am a very patient person, its just hard because I have no idea if there will actually be a reward for my patience. I could "wait" all this time for him to be ready and he may just never be. Or, he will become ready and go to some other girl, and where will that leave me?? Sometimes I wonder if I should just move on…but how can I when I have such strong feelings for him? It wouldn’t be fair to another guy…unless I can just find another boy toy that will only be short term anyway…this could take some of the focus away from Ryan and maybe if he catches wind of it, it will make him jealous, make him want what he cant have, or it could backfire! I just don’t know. All I know is I better get laid on my birthday coming up this weekend and I hope its by him!!!