Im on his life path!!!

I had a GREAT night last night with Ryan! (At least it was mostly good. The end of the night got a little confusing but what isnt confusing with this man? he is CONFUSED.) I called him after work wanting to do something and he was in a good energetic mood and totally up for it. He was even cool with it being just me and him, didn’t even try and bring anyone else into the picture. We went and had a few drinks and a great, deep conversation. I feel closer to him now, he was able to share a lot and I shared too. We talked about our past relationships, he shared a lot, and a lot of what he was saying I could tell was very painful for him and I felt so bad for him! :( He basically gave his heart away for the first time to her and she squashed it and he is very senstitive about it. It definitely fucked with his head. He definitely needs time to heal, to get his confidence back, to be ready to give to someone else again. I completely understand- its hard to open up again- and you cant be forced. And I don’t want someone who isnt ready either. I want someone who wants me and wants to be with me no doubts.

Anyway so we were talking about sex, I could tell he was horny and wanted to take me home. And me, feeling a little used, snapped back "well why don’t you go find whats-her-name". he told me I should get her out of my head that there is nothing going on between them and never was. he said they went on one date but he wasn’t that into her and they havent had sex or anything. he said I am the only one he has done it with since his ex. I guess that’s a good thing??? Then he started talking about his past again, the mistakes he has made picking the wrong women, going for what is seemingly attractive to him but now he realizes its all about connection (which he has stated he knows we have). He started drawing out his life path on the table, and he kept veering off the path saying things like "where am I going? what am I doing? what do I want?"…and he kept coming back onto the path- back to ME!...indicating that he is drawn to me and feels like that’s where his life is headed. Also one more good thing….I was telling stories and I ended up talking about how guys treat me like crap and how I am second best or fallback and how I don’t want to feel like that anymore. I told one story in particular, about Kenny ditching me, and it started to piss him off. he got all worked out it! And then he said "uhh I don’t know why this bothers me so much! But it does! I care about you and I don’t want to see guys treat you like that, you deserve so much better than that- I guess there are feelings there!" :) :) :)

I think he likes me and he is starting to realize it, I just don’t think he likes the fact that he likes me! He will say one thing that makes me think he is coming aroung and then he will say something contradictory. I think he is just confused and conflicted about his own feelings. Sometimes I feel like his confliction makes me feel like he is playing with my heart, but I know he isnt doing it on purpose. Maybe I need to not let it get to me- not let what he does or doesn’t do bother me- but its hard not to when you like somebody and they are starting to act like your boyfriend.

Anyways so we did have a great night, lots of fun, good connection and good conversation. However, Im a little in angst about how it ended. The whole night he was looking at me in "that" way, talking about being horny, me not going home that night, etc etc. He even gave me a little leg squeeze. Then he invited me up when we got home and I said "I would like to stay with you but not do anything". He said "that’s fine" and seemed all for it. Then when it came time to go to bed he totally changed his mind and said "lets save it for a weekend" and basically kicked me out. I pretty much picked up my stuff and ran out of there as fast as I could. I kinda regret running out so quickly and he tried to stop me but honestly I was almost in tears I had to run. But, maybe I shouldnt let it affect me so much. Sometimes, TripleSgirl, you don’t always get what you want even if it was hard for you to say it! Im just curious to know if he thought I really did want something more even tho I didn’t…I just wanted to cuddle!