Crazy night

Last night Neighbor Boy and I had plans to watch a movie but I ended up going out to dinner with the fam and he ended up going to the bar. So after dinner I went to the bar to find him and when I walked in he was talking to his ex girlfriend and her new boyfriend. Can you say awkward?!! He bought us all a round of shots and was trying to be all buddy-buddy with the guy but it wasn’t really working. Then he said that he and Jenni talked but he wouldn’t tell me what about. and he says hes over it and he doesn’t care but then why was he trying so hard to make friends and hang out with them? and he was even talking to the bartender about her and I overheard a little bit and when I asked about it they both told me "don’t worry about it". well how can I not worry about the fact that he is more concerned with his ex and her new man then he is with me?! Arg. anyways I tried to make nice with them too and they just scowled at me when I tried to talk to them. Ya, it was really awkward.

It was a fun night at the bar there were a lot of people out and a lot of people I know. This guy Derek was there (he knows both Steven and Ryan and has seen me with both). Well he is a cool guy and he was totally hitting on me. Told me I looked sexy and told me I shouldn’t be with Steven cuz he has too many issues and he was all touchy-feely with me. But he has a bitchy little girlfriend so Im not getting involved...plus Ive got too much going on already! Feast or famine right?

A ton of other guys were hitting on me too. I don’t know what it was about last night but I had swarms of them around me LOL! I probably looked nasty too, I was in my softball clothes and all dirty and stuff. Maybe that’s what they liked LOL.

My friend Anna was there also (met her thru Sean) so I talked with her for a long time. Even talked about Sean and she totally badmouthed his new girlfriend and said she likes me a lot more :)

So Steven basically ignored me the whole night…we just each did our own thing…doesn’t even notice that all these guys are hitting on me cuz hes too preoccupied talking to other girls…until the one freakin second I step outside to answer Ryan's phone call. Then of course he notices and calls me up asking me where the fuck I went and why I took only my phone and all this. So I had to hang up on Ryan to answer Steven's call so he wouldn’t be suspicious. Then….

…. who walks into the bar…RYAN! Oh crap. I grabbed his arm when I saw him and he turned around and gave me a big hug and I look up and Steven is standing right there but I don’t know if he saw or not. Oh, OMG this is so weird, Ryan's friend Chad is Steven's new boss! Chad and Ryan were together and when Chad went up to talk to Steven, Ryan went too and for a while the 3 of them were talking and the whole time I was like FUCK FUCK FUCK. Ryan knows who Steven is and what he looks like but Steven has no clue who Ryan is. My saving grace is that Ryan goes by his last name so I don’t think Steven will make the connection. But still- fucking weird!!

Then Ryan took off but he called me again later and left me the sweetest voicemail. Called me baby and used my first name (he usually calls me Murdock or one of his nicknames for me). So I called him back and he was saying "oh we never hang out anymore and I miss you and oh you have a boyfriend now". Then he turned up the song on the radio and started singing to it but sustituing the words and saying stuff about missing me and whatnot. It was so adorable he is such a ham!

I knew this would happen. As soon as I went off to be with someone else he realized his feelings for me. So this is definitely working out to my advantage!

Then Steven and I left and went to my house and talked for a little bit then went to sleep. I asked him why he never says the things he used to- like calling me sweet and sexy and beautiful and saying how much he likes me all the time. What he said really really scares me. He said "well I guess my feelings about you have changed". :( He says he feels like I like him too much for us only knowing eachother 6 weeks. But that’s such a catch 22 cuz hes the one who was so into me in the beginning! (He does have issues for sure). But nonetheless, I guess what Im gonna have to do is play hard to get for a while so he can reel me back in. I just have to be really careful not to cross the line with Ryan cuz I am really tempted to hang out with him, especially if Im gonna cool it a little bit with Steven.

Im very frustrated, dissapointed, and unsure. Steven wants peace and everything to be cool just like I do. He wants me to just chill and not worry about stuff. But its very hard for me to remain cool and calm when Im unsure about the state of things between us. I need reassurance. But the more I worry, the more I annoy him and drive him away. So I guess what I need to do is just back off a bit and if he wants me, he will come to me. VERY hard for me to do but it might be the right move here. What I really want to do is make him see that his issues are whats causing us the problems, not mine, he is so wrapped up in what happened with his ex and his brother's wife and his friends girlfriends and he projects that onto me. I want to make him see that he should look in a mirror every once in a while! But really I think that’s just going to backfire. I think I should just back off and see what happens, knowing that Im doing it by choice which will hopefully give me the power back. I just have to be strong enuf to realize that maybe I have to handle my insecurities on my own and let some stuff go rather than confronting him- only because he is the one who cant handle it, not me. Its either going to take some time and he will come around, or it wont change anything and we still might break up. I hope not, but Im not sure theres any longterm compatibility here. I guess honestly Ive known that from the very beginning :(. So as much as I want him to see my side of things too, maybe I shouldn’t make waves, just ride it out and have fun while it lasts with a hot guy :)