Note to self

In this new year, follow your resolution not to let relationships be what brings you up or down. Dont let what happens with other people determine your happiness. Be comfortable and happy with yourself independant of all other people. I know its hard to do because its your personality to get wrapped up with other people, but you can do it. Do whats good for you. Do whats healthy for your psyche and your body. Dont do foolish things and repeat your old patterns. Protect yourself. Dont give the wrong impression of who you are and what you want. Dont make apologies for being who you are. Be real. Be safe. Be true to yourself.

Only a fool breaks his own heart

Alright so last night Ryan dropped the "friend" bomb. I know exactly why he did it, and I understand, but its still hard to hear. I surprised myself with my response. I actually had to hold back tears! And I found it very difficult to listen to what he was saying because I was so caught up in my own feelings. I guess my horoscope from yesterday was correct! (It said my emotional reactions would be stronger than usual). Maybe its just PMS! :) Or maybe I am still fragile from the whole Sean situation and my feelings are still really sensitive. I must admit I did get hurt by Sean. He wanted only sex and I ended up wanting more and basically being rejected. That left me feeling pretty vulnearable, not to mention that Im still sensitive about it since its not even offically over yet.

I am hesitant to get into a "friends with benefits" situation again because of the crappy way it turned out last time. That’s why I wanted to take it slow with Ryan, not to rush into sex because that always seems to ruin it for me. The guys end up getting the impression that they can have just that out of me and none of them want me for the real me. None of them want a real relationship. Why would they buy the cow if they get the milk for free?

So in the my last post I mentioned the bad timing for me. I just found out the timing is even worse than I thought. He is NOT over his last relationship and will always be tied up with her because they have a son together. I was under the impression that it ended a while ago, but no it just ended less than 2 months ago! And I know he doesn’t want to jump into anything else right now so that’s why he played the friend card. But I didn’t think I would be another rebound girl! Its pretty clear to me now that I am about to be another rebound girl and I am about to repeat my same pattern….AGAIN. I need therapy. Sigh….

He has a lot going on right now that he needs to sort out. He needs someone to talk and vent to. He needs me to listen and support…to bring him back up and give him confidence again…to counsel and advise…to do what I have done for so many others and what now must be some sort of calling because this is always what happens to me! Is it just my personality? Do I somehow sense that they need me to fix them? or do they find me? I really think they find me. I need to come to terms with this for myself. Am I really okay with this? I am okay with helping people and being a good friend but I am not okay with getting my own heart squashed. Which seems to happen. As soon as I fix them, they go on to bigger and better things…aka other girls. I get left in the dust.

I want someone who will let me vent to them too. Someone who wants to help me back. Someone who I actually feel I want to open up to. I want something real with a person I really connect with. I thought maybe Ryan had potential to be that guy, and he hasn’t proven 100% otherwise, but it appears to be leaning towards the same territory all the recent others have been. Was I stupid to think he might be different? Was I stupid to think that he might have what I am looking for long term? The crappy thing is, I think he is, its just the timing is terrible! I think I screwed this up already…my goal was not to!....silly girl! You are going to get your heartbroken again!

Cusps....

What is the deal with cusp people!?? Sean was a definite cusp- he had 2 fucking personalities! Just found out new guy is a cusp also, born on the 22nd....this could get interesting!

The sex though....

Not the same as with rocker boy! Not the same at all! I think Sean has ruined me for all other guys! I thought I knew good sex until Sean, he showed me the light, he showed me AMAZING sex and how fucking incredible it can be! It will be really really hard to give that up and really hard to not be comparing sex with him to sex with other people. Hmmm maybe I can teach new guys how to do what Sean did!!!

Ryan

Ok, I am not going to get my hopes up and get all excited but I think I really like this new guy!!! The timing is unfortunate, considering that the thing with Sean kinda fucked with my head and I am not really ready for anything else right now, especially anything serious. I am hesitant to jump into another casual relationship also, and scared of getting myself hurt again by falling for a guy that doesnt want anything more from me than sex. At this point I don't know exactly what Ryan is looking for but I am not going to complicate it or rush things by asking those quesitons just yet. In fact I really dig the beginning of relationships in which nothing is defined yet and you are just getting to know one another and everything is new and everything is unknown and there is so much potential….before anyone has expectations or definitions…when you are still feeding off of your chemistry for one another and not worrying yet about long term compatibility. So, I don’t want to fuck that up. And because the timing isnt great for me, and because I am wary about things after Sean (and because that’s still not closed for me), I want to take this very slow. The good thing with him is, I don’t really us having to have "the talk" because I get the sense that we understand eachother without having to come out and say it. However it might not be safe to assume! especially with someone I don’t know that well.

I got to know him better last night. We went to that certain backwards bar with the backwards name. It was so much fun! We laughed and had fun like the other night, but the talk was also at times somewhat serious, which is awesome because I was starting to worry that he had no serious side. He seems to have be the perfect mix between being happy and fun and serious. Kinda like me! Found out about his life growing up, his downfall into drugs and his coming out of it, his ex and his son, and how he feels confused and floating through life because he doesn’t have it figured out yet. I feel the exact same way! There are so many things I wanted to accomplish in my life, but sometimes I feel like my free spirit takes hold and I end up living day to day, just drifting, just surviving, not really living. Maybe we can help eachother get on the right path??... But instead of worrying about himself he wants to help his (our) friend get his life on track. Hmmm this sounds familiar?! More concerned about others than yourself…sounds like me. Maybe that’s why I feel like he and I will get along very well- because we are a lot alike! I admit it- I like him! :0) Like maybe this has real potential….

Out with the old...in with the new??

So they say New Years is the time for "out with the old, in with the new". Then there's that school of thought that says the way you spend your new years is the way you will spend your year. Well, I spent my new years with Sean, and we had great fun, but I don't see us being together this year. Could it be deeper than that? Perhaps I need to look more into it. I did kinda feel like I was chasing him all night, or I could feel him slipping away from me, so maybe thats indicative of how I will spend my year.

I talked to him (very briefly) yesterday for the first time in like 2 weeks. Stopped by real quick to get some stuff. Played with the puppy. He said he would call me this week after he gets his phone turned back on, but I dunno, I'm not holding my breath. Although I am terrified to talk to him because I am so unsure of his reaction, I do need to have at least some closure to this situation. If he doesnt call me I have to decide how much I am willing to go through to get that closure...I am kinda still sick over this...but I dont know we'll see.

I keep trying to tell myself I dont care about him in order to get over it. But I have come to realize that I do miss him! He is deep, introspective, interesting. Isnt afraid to be himself and is one of the most real people I know. He makes me think about who I am and what I present to the world and what I can do with my life. He challenges me! He calls me out on my shit and I like that! And I miss how he would come out of his dark cloud sometimes and mess around and have fun and mess with me. The tickling and ass slapping and flirting. And the sex! Oh the sex! Godamnit! His ex was right- its just not the same with other guys!!!

Other guys you ask? Why yes, there is a new potential on the horizon. He is someone I have met and hung out with before, a friend of someone at work. I actually thought I felt a connection to him before- or maybe I was just attracted to his tall blonde blue eyes? LOL...He was hitting on me one night at the bar, but Sean was there so I had to go home with him. I was looking forward to another night out but knew that might not happen for a while. I was bummed to find out that he had gone back to his home state for an indefinite amount of time. But, then! Lady Luck intervened. Is she back?? perhaps she knew I needed to get over Sean by getting under someone else...

I was at a an outdoor street function, which in January in the PNW can get quite cold. Upon walking back to my car and feeling my frozen toes I decided to stop in one of the local bars to warm up real quick. Maybe a hot tottie? :) Something drew me in there, maybe I knew fate was taking me there? Anyways I ran into the 2 guys- work friend and his tall blonde friend- by total coincedence (or was it?!). Ended up spending the rest of the night with them and til noon the next day since they both crashed at my house. I dont want to get my hopes up but i do like this guy. We had a blast! Laughing the whole time, bantering back and forth, he thought I was funny and cute. I admit when I am on my game I am pretty fucking adorable! :)-....

I like him enough that I told telling myself, TripleSgirl, do this right. Don't fuck it up. Dont sleep with him right away. Let him come to you. Leave something to be desired. But all the rules seem to go out the door when you've got a man in your bed!! So I feel kinda bad about that, I feel like I blew it. I feel guilty, hoping I didnt ruin the suspense. It was okay, but I wasnt that comfortable with the situation (friend was within earshot), and I wasnt that into it (it was 5am, almost 24 hrs since showering last). Plus, I just couldnt help but comparing to Sean. I mean, that man, in addition to having a glorious big dick, he knows how to move those hips, and move mine, and feel the rhythms of our bodies and my needs, and FUUUCKKK! This sucks! Dont compare to other men! Stop! Enjoy what you had! And what may be coming....Hopefully I can forget out slip up and maybe I can do this one right. He's great, and fun, and sweet, and a Cancer (my true love!)...this one might be a keeper....if I can keep him interested...heres to finding out!

Letter to Sean

I don't even know where to begin. I am sick to my stomach over this whole thing. I know whats been going on. I mean, I knew this would happen, but I thought you meant you might have a one night stand with a random girl, I didn’t think it would become a regular thing with someone else and I didn't think you would pick someone I know. And I didn’t think you would blow me off for her. I would be fine with it if I were blissfully ignorant- but I know everything now. Everyone has told me. Plus I could guess by the way you were acting. I wish I could say this doesn't bother me, but it really does. It makes me sick to think of you two together and of you wanting to spend time with her over me. It makes me sick to know that maybe you see in her what you didn't see in me. But more than that I am pissed off and frustrated.

I mean, on one hand you say I didn’t have what you wanted, yet I feel like I never got the chance to show you myself. You didn’t want to know, you didn’t care, you didn’t want to get to know me as a person. And I was okay that, because not sharing myself is the only way I have to protect myself from getting hurt, but I am not okay with the fact that I feel you are using what you think you know about me against me. You don’t know me and havent seen those deeper sides of me, so you don’t know what I am really like. All you know is who I am on the surface and the deeper sides of me are much more damaged, angry and depressed. I just don’t know show that part of myself very easily at all. And you never gave me the chance. But now you've made up your mind that we arent compatible and so that’s that I guess. Its just so frustrating! Maybe I see more than you see, or maybe Im just plain crazy, but I really do think we could have worked as a couple. In fact I think we would have been great together.

Although the time we spent together was short, we did have fun times. Remember the first night we met and how we had an instant connection? Remember how fun it was sneaking off to go joy riding together and how you pulled me close to you and said how much you liked me? Remember how many things we found we had in common when we actually talked? Remember how cool it was when I pulled you out of that ditch and we high fived, like we made a great team. Remember all the nights sitting alone together at your house and me just listening to you play guitar and talk? Remember the great times in bed and the awesome sex? I just cant help but think that we couldve had a house full of kids and animals and how sweet that could have been.

I know you think that my life is so together, so perfect, and that we couldn’t be together because you cant help me back. Well if you would just give me the chance and be trustworthy, I would show that part of myself to you. Its just very hard because my whole life I have always been the strong one. I have been the one to listen to and help others. I have always thought that if I expressed my emotions it made me weak. And the times I did open up to someone, my heart got stomped on. So I guess over the years I have just become more bitter and hurt and closed off. I know I don’t show that on the outside but inside I am really a very insecure person who is struggling with pain, depression, insecurity, uncertainty, and and anger. And maybe I havent lived on the streets and been abondoned my my family and beaten as child and had to kill to survive, but it doesn’t mean I havent had shit happen in my life. It just so happens I have pain and struggles too. I was molested as a child by the teenage boy that lived with my parents. I was raped a few years ago. One of my best friends in the world had a serious drug problem and ended up comitting suicide. I am a child of an alcoholic and have my fair share of substance issues. I have had 4 family members die in the past 2 years. My mom has cancer. I don’t even come close to living up to my younger sister and I have a lot of angst about it. I had a physically and emotionally abusive boyfriend who almost forced me to marry him. I have had many many years of relationship struggles and the ups and downs that go with it. I have been cheated on, pushed around, dumped so many times, and just been walked all over by almost everyone in my life who was supposed to care for me. My best friend and boyfriend betrayed me by having a relationship behind my back. I have been taken advantage of and beaten down and left to believe I was nothing. With each thing that happens to me I just become more closed off and bitter and more terrified. Some days I honestly don’t want to go on anymore. I am so afraid that I will never find happiness, either within myself or with someone else. I have tried to make it work with so many different men and each time it just ends in pain and sadness for me. I want so badly to find that person that I do feel comfortable opening up to, that will be my rock and my shoulder to lean on, as well as I can be that for them. I want someone who I can share my pain and my struggles with and who truly cares about me and wants to see me happy. I want to find that partner to go through life with, to learn and grow with, and that I know will always be there for me. I want to find someone who I have such a strong connection with that we could never let each other go. I am dissappointed that we never got far enough to share that with eachother, but if that’s not the place you are in then it wouldn’t have worked anyway. I cant cant help but think that we could have at least tried to be a couple, seen where it went. But you've got your head up your ass! You are so convinced of what you want, and what you think I am, that you are too closed-minded to see the real possibilties. I believe I am everything you need but if don’t agree then Im not going to waste my time trying to convince you. If you don’t see how great I am than theres nothing I can do or say to make you see it. I just hope that for sake, you are able to open up and find love again, I know you will, you just have to be open to it. And you have to realize that there may be no perfect time or no perfect person or no perfect situation, but that it can- and will- happen for you again.

more New Years Revelations (and Resolutions!)

Maybe I need to quit letting my relationships with men drag me down and pull me up. Maybe I need to spend the new year getting to know myself, bettering myself, and concentrating on other things that will make my life better besides men. Maybe I need some "me" time. I need to figure out what I want, where I am going, what will make me feel good. I hate how lately Ive become so dependant on men to give me what I need...I cant let that happen! And I shouldnt!

Is God testing how much I can handle??

Why does crazy stuff happen to me in groups?

A few months ago: Jake professes his undying love for me the same night I meet Sean. A matter of days later Travis tells me he is serious about divorce and sets a "3 month" timeline for his marriage.

A few weeks ago: Kenny calls me (after 6 months with no word) on the same night Sean is back in town from being gone 2 weeks. I ditch Sean for Kenny. The next day is a friend's funeral. I go with Sean. That night we have "the talk". One day later Travis reveals to me how he doesn't want to have any more kids. That changed this for me in a huge way. In a matter of 2 days I find out that Sean doesnt think we are "compatible" and doesnt want to be my BF and also that the future I thought I might have with the perfect man is not a future and he isnt perfect.

A few days ago: Travis basically breaks up with me and says things between us need to cool off and he seems intent on staying in his marriage. The last shred of hope for us is rapidly disappearing. As is the last shred of hope with Sean after I find out thats hes fucking someone else. I get alcohol poisoning. And Kenny, he hasnt returned any of my recent calls. So I think my days of male attention are coming to and end.

I've just about had enough of the emotional roller coasters. Im tired of the ups and downs. My Tauren fixed earth ways do not take this stuff very well. Its been hard on my psyche. I need a good friend who I can lean on and count on. I need a break. I need a getaway...I want to just get away from it all...end it...IDK......

New Years Revelations

Well, that time is upon us...passed actually...the turning over of the new year. I cannot believe its 2009! Normally New Years of one of my fav nites, despite some seriously crazy things happening to me on that night. I cannot recall the events of every year, but the ones I do remember...2000..Y2K scare that turned into nothing...I was proposed to! 2001, I was raped at a rave. 2003, I cheated on my boyf :( and ended up having a miscarriage. 2005, damn near had a 3-some (we kissed and groped but it didnt go past that). 2007, met Justin. 2008 big liftie party, met Kenny. 2009...not too eventful, which is great, considering I had a bad feeling about the night and it could have been a lot worse. The only things bad that happened were Donn freaking out on Bri and Sean not being there to kiss at midnight. What a putz! He said he was babysitting his dad but IDK.

I had to work New Years Eve but after work I headed home and got whored-up (as Sean's ex would say LOL). Went and picked up Bri and went to pre-funk at Sean's. Then a group of us (me, Sean, Bri, Donn, Julie, Jason, Jake, and Sean's dad) went downtown. It was fun but pretty tame. I of course got wasted, but that was my goal for the night! We met up with my sister and her boyf and some friends and rang in the new year at the good old 219. I took a shot at midnight since Sean had disappeared. He said he would make it up to me later but he didn't. I must have been too drunk to cum. I love drunk sex! I have fewer inhibitions and I am way more willing to do freaky stuff and I even tried talking dirty to him but he didnt reciprocate so either hes not into that or hes never really done it and doesnt know what to do?? Anyways...

It was a pretty fun night all in all. Sean was being very playful and flirty and was in a pretty good mood except for the times he was worried about his dad. I'm glad he decided to spend new years with me. It was nice to actually have a date for the night instead of just ending up making out with someone like the last 2 years! We walked to the gas station after the bar and he made me hold onto him (could have had something to do with the fact that i was drunk and it was icy and I was wearing heels?), and he kept slapping my ass and stuff. Then back at home while we were playing darts he was leaning into me from behind and whispering stuff in my ear and feeling me up and even picked me up over his head. It was fun to mess around with him like that. I wish it were like that all the time. But now that I now what I know, I doubt we will ever go back to that. Things are complicated now.

The Friday after new years I wanted to see him again but he didnt answer my call. Called again Saturday night and he answered but was being a total jerk and flat out said, "I dont want to hang out with you tonight". Okay...

So i was pissed and wanted to drink and get my mind off of him. Kind of hard to do when everyone I hung out with that night knew him! Damn small town cirlces! I was haning with Jac, taking tons of shots and crap, when she just happens to casually mention how she saw Sean the other night. I asked where and she said that her friends Sherry and Tish and Sean and Jake were at LBG. I didnt think much of it at the time, maybe I didnt want to face that as a possibility, but that point I knew something was up cuz the other night (see post "random Thursday night") she was there and I saw him checking her out. Then after I was already completely bombed I went across the street and ran into Jason (without Julie), Jake (without Sherry), Doug (without Erica), and Anna (without Cody). What was it, everyone fighting with their significant other that night? Everytime I run into those guys, the first thing they ask me is "wheres Sean?", but this time they didnt. I think its cuz they already knew what I didnt fully realize yet- that he was with Tish. Jake is the one who actually said it, and it was clinched by the rest of them telling how much they like me and how much of a jerk they think Sean is for doing this to me.

So needless to say this news rocked me to the core. I mean, I knew it was probably coming someday, but I didnt think this soon and I had hoped I would remain blissfully ignorant. And I didnt think he would ditch hanging out with me for her- I thought I would remain his "main GF", how patethic is that? Maybe I still am, I dont fucking know anything at this point. The fact that I know who it is really gets me. Because I can picture them in my head!! Ahhh!!! Shes young, skinny, blonde, how can I compete with that? It makes me sick to the stomach to think about it. FUCK. Fuck him. Fuck her. Fuck Sherry and Jac for knowing that he and I were already hooked up and letting it happen anyway! I bet Sherry encouraged it since she already hates me since her boyf is in love with me and she knows it!

I don't know what to do. Im scared to even talk to him. Im scared he got word of the crazy drunk shit I was pulling that night and thinks it has to do with him. Im scared hes going to tell me to piss off that she's a better lay. Im scared that I will see him again but it wont be the same. I know it wont be the same. I will be thinking about her and him spending time together. I dont think iI can have sex with him again...I will just be thinking about her. Ahh fucking dumn bitch!!! I hate you for ruining the best fucking lay Ive ever had in my life! I hate you for ruining what potentially grown into something good between us. I hate you for stealing my man!!!

So on Saturday I proceeded to drink more...spilt a drink on Anna (well actually all over me, a tine but on her, but her princess ass freaked out)...tried to hit on Jason (Anna thinks we should get together LOL)...totally flirted with Jake and basically said "lets fuck"...probably talked about Sean the whole time and how I hate him and how he doesnt care about me. Then we all went back to my place and I was so drunk that Doug wouldnt give me a ride back to my car. I was pissed so I was screaming and pounding on the windows. God, how embarassing! In front of Sean's friends, Im sure he's heard all about it by now and Im sure he knows I was upset about him. And the worst part is, Jake didnt have anywhere to stay (he had pissed off Sean earlier and he had kicked him out), so he stayed with him. Nothing happened because I spent the night in my bathroom, but Sherry was pissed the next morning. Wow she prob hates me even more and she told Tish and Tish told Sean and he thinks I did it (even tho I did nothing) to get back at him. Yikes. I think Im just freakin myself out by writing about this. I need to just talk to him, but IDK, its possible this might be the end for us....I gotta figure some shit out.

What hes doing really hurts me but per our "agreement" he thinks he has a license to do whatever he wants and he thinks he is released from all responsibility regarding my feelings. But in a way I guess he is, because I let him, because the sex is worth it, how screwed up is that?!? I still thought he wouldnt be such a jerk. I didnt think he would really do it. Or I thought he might have one night stands but I didnt think I would become secondary. I didnt think i would be sitting alone while he hangs out with her. I didnt think he would pick someone I know. God damnit. I hate that I know....it changes everything...we can never go back to the way it was. I remember the first night we met, driving in his car, us laughing so hard, him pulling me close and telling how much he likes me. I remember the easy-going nights hanging out at his house alone, listening to him play guitar and talk, having sex all night long and him making breakfast the next day. I remember the conversations laying in bed and on the phone. I remember playing poker and Risk and just chillin watchin movies. Oh well...it really is his loss but it feels like mine :( I will miss his puppy! and his dick! And also, his heart :(. The one that I was trying to open up again. :(