Drunk dials...drunken sex...and cuddling!

Went out last night. Random for a Humpday Wednesday. Met Neighbor Boy at the bar after work. Kinda tame at first but ended up running into a few peeps of mine and some of his also. We didnt socialize with eachother much tho! I drunk dialed Ryan (who was also out- and I wanted to go with him!) while Steven flirted with a gang of 21-year-old blondes! But it was pretty harmless- I mean Im the one who took him home right?! Im a lucky woman hes a a hot stud! I mean, he's 6'3" with jet black hair and eyes the color of the ocean! And hes got buff strong legs which I love and a nice round meaty ass! oh yeah baby! God I kept staring at him last night giving him the bedroom eyes and thinking how in the world did I land this dreamy man Ive got to hold onto him! Sometimes I fear Im getting too caught up in his looks tho, and being too shallow, but hey hes fun for now and I gotta live it up while I still can right?! And we did last night! Drunk sex! yes I love it! I cant really remember half of it, but I know it was awesome, kinky, and fun! Im much more verbal when Im drunk and more in the moment and fewer inhibitions so I feel like I enjoy it more. Then we passed out...this time no 3 am wake up call from his little friend...but I did wake up a few times to him rolling over to cuddle me. God I LOVE that feeling. The feeling of a warm man rolling over and spooning you, snugging their body in close to yours and wrapping their arms around you. It makes me feel so safe, secure, loved, adored, and lucky! It also turns me on a little. Wait...what am I saying? Just being in that man's presense turns me on. Or thinking about him for that matter! In fact I think Im a little steamy right now LOL! Can I just go back to bed and let hottie spoon me all night long???

Smooth sailing....well, for the most part...

Pretty good weekend. No major drama for once! Friday night, went out to Wes and Lisa's like usual. Made it out there late cuz I stopped off to see Ryan. Ya he was pretty much all over me...joked about how he was going to move into my house after I build it :). Invited me to dinner on Sunday and said his sister likes me and kicks him for not snagging me up.

But I didnt stay too long...Lisa and Steven were both texting me to get my ass out there. So I left Ryan and jetted out there. All in all in was a fun night. No Bri and Donn (hmmm funny hows theres no drama when they arent around). The only bad thing that happened was I opened my big mouth about something and Steven got mad and yelled at me- I deserved it tho. But its okay now. So it was just the 4 of us, we ended up shrooming that was good times! Lisa went to bed so I played around in the woods and sat down by the overlook with the boys for hours...watched the awesome night sky and felt the warm wind...wrestled with Steven..then walked back in the dark by myself (yikes!) and crawled into the back of my car...I was joined by Steven around 4am. We stayed out there and hung out until around noon the next day.

Went back out there on Sunday. The boys cut down trees for firewood and the pole barn and the girls watched some and sat on the porch with the kiddos :). Steven was being so cute...I think ignoring him works cuz he was all playing with me- slapping my ass in front of everyone is I guess how he stakes his claim to me! He was doing it a lot. And coming at me trying to egg me on so I wrestled him again but got my ass kicked this time! (Not like the previous night where I pinned him a couple times!). Damn he was in a frisky mood! Kept pinching and slapping me, looking me right in the eye with that "I wanna bend you over the table right now" look...talking about how I was gonna get it tonight, etc. And we was actually looking at me and messing with me and paying close attention to me for once! He even (gasp!) wanted to go home early hehehe :) but we had to stay for the big dinner Lisa cooked up. We got home and I gave him a really nice massage and he fell asleep. Then once we got into the bed he woke up and we had a little fun...then he woke me up again at 3am for some more fun!

So damn things are pretty good right now...I feel good...there are no waves...so I guess I just have fun and dont take things too seriously and let it ride out. I need Steven right now. Im so afraid tho- the longer I stay with him the harder it will be on both of us to break up...especially him i dont want to be another girl to give him a broken heart! And I will get attached to him too- I already am :)

OMG it happened!!! (and other events of the last few days)

I cannot believe it took me this long to write about this, its been over a week!!! But something amazing wonderful crazy and totally unexpected happened!!! TripleSgirl is totally stoked, but also confused, scared, and honestly caught off guard!

So heres goes…

So in my last blog I talked about Ryan and I hooking up again. Well at first I thought it was just another drunk hookup and didn’t mean anything. But he had been getting kinda serious with me lately, with the “I care about you so much” and getting all up in arms about Steven. Calling me like, everyday. Asking me to do stuff. I was kinda wondering what was up…

Well on Wednesday night (Aug 12) I found out. The night started when after work I was supposed to go over to my sister’s future in-laws for a wedding planning dinner. Ryan had called me after work and I told him I was doing but he wanted to go to meet his buddy at the bar and didn’t want to drive (or wanted an excuse to see me LOL). So I offered to give him a ride on my way. I was already running late…big shocker…so I was hoping he would just come jump in the car. No such luck. Instead of showing like he was supposed to, he was out on his deck watching the storm. Proceeded to spend the next near hour taking pics of it and the subsequent double rainbow…which was really cool BTW….I think of it as a symbol of what happened later that night J

So I went and did my thing and then called him when I was done. He said he wanted me to come down to the bar to meet him cuz he wanted to sing me a song (uh oh! He was in the of “those” moods! Read: happy-outgoing-lovey-drunk!). So I did it…damn he looked hot that night…he was kissing and hugging all over me! Looking directly into my eyes…wow…awesome but the whole time Im thinking WTF?! He got up to the mic with his buddy (Steven’s ex-boss) and proceeded to sing/rap/slurr about me. I could barely understand what he was saying but it was so sweet! I felt like I was being serenaded. How awesome is it that he was proclaiming over the microphone his feelings for me? Wow. I was nervous the whole time tho cuz Steven’s friend was there…man I hope he didn’t recognize me! Anyways so Ryan and I snuck out the backway and we stopped to talk and kiss and hug. He kept saying how stupid he was for not catching me earlier and how much he cares about me and how he thinks Im not being treated well. He kept kissing me and saying how much he likes kissing me J He said he felt like I gave him an ultimatum when I met Steven, but I explained to him that it wasn’t that, I was just moving on for myself, because I thought there was never any hope for us. But I did tell him that he is the one and always has been the one J

So we went into Safeway for his usual late night food binge, and wandered around for what seemed like hours. He was holding me hand the whole time and we were acting like crazy kids it was so much fun ;) While we were laughing and spurring back and forth he said “we would have so much fun together!” The great conversation continued back at his apartment…I parked in the hiding spot and we sat, listened to tunes, and smoked a bowl. I was just getting this intense vibe off of him. We talked about his son…and his life…and he kept thinking of ways to bring up K, etc the other girls ya know, making it a point to say how he doesn’t like them, doesn’t want to pursue them, etc. Kept saying how good a of a friend I am to him, that Im the only one who has really been there for him all along, and that I mean a lot to him. Then he said he knew the timing was bad cuz now I have something else going on. I don’t recall the exact way we got there but he finally said, he told me that he just needed time to get to know me, to become friends, to trust me. He said that lately he has realized how much he cares for me. He even said “haven’t you been getting a vibe off of me lately?” and I said yes I have! Then, this was the most amazing and romantic thing that’s ever happened to me…he started listing off all the things we believe a relationship should be based on…fun, friendship, companionship, trust, respect, understanding, compatibility, commitment….and I was just dying the whole time, almost in tears and couldn’t believe what I was hearing, its like it was coming from my own heart. It was like he was taking the words right out of my mouth. Then he paused…like what he was about to say was difficult…and I said what? I guess he hadn’t finished his list…cuz he said…”and LOVE”.

WOW. I was floored. Shocked. So happy! Damn near in tears. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing…its what I never thought would happen…but what Ive always wanted to hear! I don’t think any man has ever spilled their heart to me like that. And I couldn’t believe it was Ryan, the man of my dreams! I just looked at him and told him that I feel the same way he does. He said “lets just quit the BS, lets do it!” he said he didn’t know how to define things tho, cuz of Steven, and what was going on in his life, and I told him that he don’t need to define it, we both know how we feel J I melting just thinking about it, it was the most amazing night of my life.

….Followed by a messed up morning! Steven seeing me driving the walk of shame…ouch. I had a really strong gut feeling when I was leaving his place that I should turn down the backway…but I didn’t (should listen to my gut!”) and bam! 2 seconds later, he turns off our road on the street I was on, right fucking past me. And he totally saw me. L

So I had very mixed feelings the next day. I was so stoked about what had happened with Ryan but so down about what happened with Steven, I didn’t know what to do! I was so anxious at work all day. In fact lately Ive been a nervous anxious wreck! Damn boys! My stomach was upset all day. I wanted to be happy about Ryan but I still was unsure about the whole thing. And about Steven, I had wanted things between us to end naturally, and on good terms, not with him seeing evidence of me cheating. I don’t want to contribute to his fear of relationships and problems with women. But on the other hand, maybe it was a blessing in disguise and everything happens for a reason…I figured if it ended that way it was meant to happen and I did bring it upon myself.

I managed to lie my way out it, although Im not sure how convinced he was. Man that felt shitty…lying to him like that…

So that night was my dad’s bday and we all went to the concert. Man it was hard to concentrate on the family thing. Especially since Ryan was also there and texting me the whole time. We met up with eachother and kept taking off together, then he finally came to sit with me and the fam! I couldn’t believe how cool he was with them. He sat with us, danced with me, kissing on me and whispering in my ear the whole time how awesome I am J

I bet my family was like, “whos this guy?” LOL…

All I know is Steven wont even meet my family for long enuf to be introduced so he wont feel weird coming over during daylight hours. Ok. And heres Ryan meeting me entire family and hanging out with his and not being shy with the affection towards me. What does that say.?!?…

So the next day, Friday, Steven was talking to me again and I didn’t really know what to do cuz I wanted to see him but already had plans to go to another concert with Ryan. And honestly was looking forward to it! The night started out good, but then we both ran into friends and got separated. By the time the concert started and I found him again, there was some other girl he was more interested in. He barely spoke to me and I couldn’t stand it. I mean 2 nights prior he was confessing his love for me and how he barely acts like Im supposed to be his date for the night?! WTF!? (Read: sign hes not ready for commitment). So I got upset, and I wanted to run to Steven. He had called me earlier that night (when I was on my way to meet Ryan ironically enuf) and said he was out to Wes and Lisas and sounded disappointed that I wasn’t going…but I told him I would probably meet him out there later. And I did. When I saw Ryan go off with the girl to the dancefloor, I had enough. I never wanted to run to Steven so bad in my life. I felt like it was right to go be with him, my actual (non)boyfriend, then be moonlighting with Ryan. So I literally ran out of there, jumped in my car, and sped about 60 mph all the way out to see Steven.

When I got there I discovered that he had rammed his car into a telephone pole!…chasing after Wes who was trying to rescue Briana from a flipping-out Donn. It was fucked and he was pretty upset about it. So not the best time for me to be around. So Lisa took me for walk in the woods and basically told me not to hurt him and called me out on my skanky behavior at the wedding and pointed ythat even tho I didn’t notice cuz hes subtle, he was pissed/hurt. It was hard for me to hear but I needed that talk. I needed someone to point those things out to me. I need someone to keep me on track. We talked about a lot of things, and I feel much closer to her now, she’s actually been instrumental in Steven and I even getting, and staying, together. By the time we got back, the boys were passed out, but I made a makeshift bed on the floor and Steven came down to the floor with me. The next day we stayed there until 3pm! Just hanging, watching movie, puffing, being hungover!

That night Steven came over for a bit and he and I and Bri went to crash the neighbors wedding. Then the 3 of us hung for a bit and I really wanted Steven to say so we could talk…I wanted to apologize for my recent behavior per Lisa and I’s conversation…but we didn’t get the chance. Bri was all out of sorts about Donn and Steven sensed that so he went home and let the BFFs stay and talk J what a cool guy J

The next day I went to CDA with Lisa and the kids. It was fun and another opportunity for us to talk. That night Steven came over and we talked and he spent the night and we just rented a move and I layed on him and we both fell asleep J I was feeling pretty good.

A couple lame things happened over the week (him ditching out on coming over) but I did pretty good. I kinda felt like I needed some space from both guys. My head was, and still is spinning. So I was pissed about Wednesday night, but last night made up for it.

Last night was fun. I met Lisa and him and one of her girlfriends at the bar and then we went out to a couple other friends places and met up with Wes. Im pretty sure Lisa and Steven had a talk…I think she told him whats up and that I need to back up off my shit a little bit. (In regards to him freaking out that I was mad he didn’t come over). She told me hes just scared. I know J I am being patient and she said I am good at being patient with him. I know my patience wont last forever but Im just trying not to rock the boat right now since I want to enjoy the time we do have left.

Anyways we actually talked on the way home. First about his work stuff, he needed to get it out. Then it turned to talk about us. He actually initiated it! I explained to him that I don’t like being disappointed or having my feelings hurt, and that’s why I reacted the way I did about the other night. I told him I am not up in his business all the time, calling him all the time, and trying to understand that he needs space. So I told him he needs to understand I don’t like being flaked out on. He actually seemed to understand J It was a great talk!

When we got home we cuddled on the couch for a little bit, and talked some more, while his head was rested on my chest and I ran my fingers thru his hair. I got up to get ready for bed but he pulled me back and at first I resisted (tired, felt gross), but then I realized that he needed to have make up sex as an apology. And it was so nice…intimate, romantic, sensual…but lasted a bit too long (I was sore!). We finally passed out but got woken up shortly after by a crazy loud thunderstorm! He cuddled me all night. And woke up with a kiss and another romp! J He is so cute sometimes.

So right now I am feeling pretty good about things with Steven. I did talk to Ryan last night (after a few days of no contact) and he confirmed his feelings for me but he knows I still have a boyfriend. I told him I feel like he isn’t ready for anything anyway, and he said ya he wont have the time for a relationship after he starts his second job, so I said, Steven’s just a distraction for now, and whats it matter anyways if you aren’t ready? He said he didn’t matter, but I wonder if maybe it does? Then I started babbling, because I don’t know what to do, and he told me I need to just chill and be the layed back girl and not worry about everything so much. And you know what, hes right. I guess Ive been anxious lately because of everything that’s happened, the drama, and I have a lot of strong emotions all going on at once right now. This is more than has happened to me my entire life! But I am just gonna take the ride…and enjoy myself! Things will happen the way they are meant to happen J

Another weekend of man juggling

Friday was Anna's birthday party out at the bars. I wanted Steven to come with me because I assumed Sean would be there and I wanted him to see me lookin hot and with a hot young stud on my arm! But I knew he might bail on me so I had Ryan as a "backup". On my way to town I stopped at his friends where he was and hung out for a bit. We had a good, but short, conversation in the back yard in which he told me that he cares for me and hes worried Im being treated like shit and we have a connection. Thinking back on that, and our situation, makes today's horoscope very fitting. In fact they've all been very fitting lately!....

A new love relationship should be appearing over the horizon, perhaps with someone as creative as yourself. This could cause a rush of self-doubt, particularly about your appearance, but don't waste any time with this. It's your energy the person is drawn to! Some fascinating conversations could take place, and feelings should run very intense and deep. If circumstances permit, this could lead to a long-term commitment - or even marriage! Enjoy!

And I do have doubts about my appearance with Ryan. I used to feel he was out of my league and Ive seen the girls he dates, they are gorgeous. Now I do feel better about my looks and he has definitely noticed. But I do feel that even tho my new appearance is what has made him take notice, our true attraction is much deeper, since it comes from our connection and our energies! I cant help but feel like this is the best foundation for a friendship and hopefully one day, if we can get things figured out, an amazing relationship :)

But I do like Steven. He is adorable and fn and funny and sweet and quirky and sexy. My attraction to him is undeniably strong. I mean I get turned on just being near him! But that, plus the fact that we get into sorts about small stuff and we never seem to have any meaningful conversations, indicates that he will be short term fun only. I guess I knew trhat from the beginning but I thought I would give it a chance anyway, better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all right? Anyways I guess theres still a possibility it could keep going, but I doubt it…Sagitarrius and Taurus- not exactly compatible!

But Cancer and Taurus…perfect match! Ryan is the one I really like. The one Ive always liked. The one that when Im with him everything feels like it should be. Our personalities match so well. We have similar lifestyles, goals, and ways of looking at life. Im in love with his kid. We have a great connection and we are great friends and we make great lovers also. Hes the one who came to the bar to save me from the Sean situation (even tho Sean was a no-show). I think as soon as he walked into that bar everyone else dissapeared :) At one point we were by the jutebox talking to this guy and I mentioned "if my boyfriend were here" and the guy said "he isnt your boyfriend?" and I said no. And the guy said "well he should be!" and I said "why?" and the guy said "cuz you guys look cute together and hes obviously crazy about you!" Ryan just hugged me and smiled :)

So anyways I went home with him that night and the walk to my car took about 30 mins cuz we were stopping to make out every 30 seconds! And I was so horny, hadnt had sex in a week, drunk, and really wanted him! So pretty much the minute we walked in the door we were all over eachother. I think we did it 3 times! Once at night (for at least an hour, all over his living room), then again twice in the morning!

And in between those 2 morning sessions….Steven called me. He called me at 7am!! WTF?!? He is never up that early! I didn’t answer…I was too scared. I was too scared for him to ask to come over or why my car wasn’t at my house or to hear him say that he saw my car parked at Ryan's. then he sent a text saying "hows the strange dick" which just worsened my fears! But I shouldnt have worried. After I got home I texted him and turns out he was just horny and trying to make up for not doing me the night before :) I would have called him over in an instant...that is, if I hadnt just gotten done being with another man. I mean...eww...I cant do that to Steven.

So we texted back and forth for a bit and it was cool and then it got stupid. He asked me what i was doing that day so I thought he wanted to actually do something with me so I asked him to and he said no he had worked too much lately. Ok. That just pissed me off because lately Ive been feeling like he only wants me for sex, that we will never have a real relationship and that he wont even let me around his friends. So I asked him if thats all we are gonna do is just fuck. He shot back with "whoa freak outer...thats what you wanted last night..go find some other dude. peace."

WTF???!!! Talk about freak outer! hes is the one who freaks over the littliest things but he thinks its me! I feel like we dont or understand eachother that well and so misunderstandings get blown out of proportion. But we cant get to know eachother if we dont hang out. Its a catch-22. Plus I function better if I have definitions, and so our undefined half-assed "nonrelationship" has me all out of sorts and because of it the best of me is not always what shines thru. But because he has seen those insecure (to guys- crazy) sides of me , he doesnt want to be with me. Thats the definition of irony. But I dont know if I will ever get him to see that. Maybe in a letter...maybe he will really listen that way...because he wont feel backed into a corner like a lot of guys do when "talks" happen.

Anyways I did write him a letter this weekend. Or, actually, alterted one I had already written as a way to vent my feelings. Never planned on giving it to him but I was in desperation after his lame trying-to-break-up-over-text message. (Altho I should have known it wasnt over after he texted me an hour later asking what I was thinking about). So in trying to keep him, I told him I had a letter for him. hes been bugging me to read it ever since but Im not ready for himt o read it cuz i want to change it! The second draft was all positive, me apologizing and saying how much I like him. This is because I just want everything to be good between us. But, Im not willing to sacfrice that much for it, thats not real, he needs to know how I really feel. So Im planning on revising it a bit, making it not so easy for him, and then maybe giving it to him.

Anyways we did see eachother that night. He called me (when I was at Ryan's) after he was done with work. We went to the cemetary and drank a bottle of wine and had a good conversation! Not really deep, mostly just basic stuff, but still really nice and I still felt really good about it afterwards. I did bring up Jenni to see if he wanted to talk about it, but he must not have been in the mood cuz he didnt. But thats okay. Then he went to my house, jumped eachother's bones, and then watched a movie. He was mostly falling asleep but he held me close and cuddled me the whole time :) It was really sweet. I love the feelings of a man's arms around me, especially him.

Oh god what am I gonna do?!? Im so afraid that this seeing two men will backfire on me bigtime! I know it will, its just a matter of time, TripleSgirl you must make up your mind or you will loose them both!!!

Storm sex

I dont remember exactly when this happened but it was a few weeks ago. There was an amazing summer storm going on....rain, wind, lightning, thunder, the whole bit. Steven was over. My neighbors were gone so we had the free reign of the porch without fear of being seen. So, he grabbed my hand and took me outside!!! Altho it wasnt the first outdoor sex with him (once on the point in Talache), it was the most memorable! I think we were out there for about 2 hours!! We did all different ways from Sunday...me bent over the table from behind, him sitting on the table and me squatting over him, him laying down on the porch and me on top, me with my back on the table and him over me, etc etc etc. It was hot! I even had a naughty dream about it a couple nights later! We were on this concrete table...and it didnt feel very stable...and it was right on the edge of the porch...and he was pounding me so hard I swear I was waiting for us to slide right off the porch and land on that damn concrete table! But no (major) injuries that night...just a very bruised back for me and some concrete burns for him!

Wishful thinking

If I could only have Ryan's personality with Steven's body oh wow I would be in heaven! That would be my absolute perfect man!

I'm a lucky girl

Yesterday started out kinda crappy but ended up turning out pretty great! The night before last Steven was supposed to come over...we had a whole plan for me to dress up and for him to bring his furry handcuffs!..we dont usually plan like that so this was exciting and there was a lot of build up for me, and I was hoping for him too. I even took a shower and got all ready for him...and then he sent me a text saying he wasnt coming. I understand, he was tired and had to work early, but what pissed me off is that I fel tlike he didnt even take my feelings into consideration at all. He could have come over earlier, or least let me know earlier in the day that he wasnt coming. Then I tried to call him and he didnt answer my call which really pissed me off. I sent him a text saying he was a jerk! Then I called Ryan and made plans with him for the next day so I could "accidentally" be busy if Steven tried again for the next night.

But my plan kind of backfired. I felt pretty guilty about calling him a jerk and I started to get that sick pit in my stomach when things are not good between us. I would rather swallow my pride a little bit and apologize for something that I dont feel at fault for so things can be all good between us then the alternative. So I sent him a text saying sorry for calling you a jerk but I am kinda pissed. He kinda got pissy back, saying he had to get up really early and all this. So I explained to him that I was upset because I was looking forward to it and waiting for him and I would appreciate if he considered my feelings and just let me know ahead of time if plans changed. He didnt really respond to that but continued to text me throughout the day about basic stuff (which is very unusual) so I knew he was just trying to get in good with me again. Later in the night he came in with the actual apology, said he was sorry for being a jerk and not coming over and he feels bad and he wants to come over tonight :)

Then later that evening and night he started it up again. I hadnt been with Ryan 15 minutes when i got the first text! I swear its like he knows! Never fails, everytime I'm with Ryan, he will message me! We were texting while I was laying on Ryan's lap watching a movie while he dozed off! I lied my little face off and told him I was home in bed...luckily he didnt ask to come over!

So both boys' attitudes towards me were pretty positive yesterday! Ryan was loving and huggin on me and calling me hot and lovin my spunky attitude and kicking himself for not snagging me sooner. He was defintately jealous Steven...didnt really say that out right but basically said its hard for him to hear me talk about it cuz he does care about me. he said our friendship is very important to him and I reciprocated. God I know i shouldnt feel this way but I cant help but feel like he and I are darn near perfect for eachother. I just get that feeling when Im with him that everything is as it should be :)

But I'm enjoying Steven right now, he's a good distraction for me while Ryan works thru his custody stuff and plus it makes Ryan sweat a little bit and want me all that much more! Maybe things are working out the way they are supposed to.

And Steven was in apology mode yesterday...hopefully hes realizing I can be pretty awesome as long as he treats me right...I am looking forward to him coming over tonight! So Im feeling pretty good. I cant believe I got lucky enough to have both these hot men in my life!!!

Playing catch up

So many developments recently I havent even had time to blog so now its catch up time!!!...

"The Write Off".....and then "The Boy Fight!" (June 29)
My second to last post was the day I decide to mentally say goodbye to Steven and write him off for ignoring me and blowing me off, which I cannot stand. I decided for my own sake that I needed to just let him go and if he wasn’t going to pursue me, to be prepared for that. Low and behold- that very night was the night I got the strange texts from both he and Ryan indicating that they had a run in at the bar where Ryan confronted Steven for treating me badly and convinved him that he had an awesome girl on his hands!

"The Fall Out"

The week following that was great. Steven came over to my house groveling and saying how sorry he was and how much of a jerk he is. He said he just wasn’t ready for how fast things were moving but he really likes me. It seemed like he had come to his senses and realized he was about to loose me. Altho I was on cloud 9- Steven groveling and Ryan coming to my rescue- in the back of my mind I was still unsure and a bit worried. Maybe my fears were founded, maybe it was just me freaking out, I'm still not sure but for a while there everything was great! :) I knew Ryan cared about me and I had Steven right where I wanted him.

"Independance Day" (July 4)

The week started out pretty good. I was looking forward to spending the 4th with one of the boys! (Hopefully Steven but had Ryan as a backup) but then things started going back to the same old crap. I went out Friday night with Ryan, his BFF and his GF, and found out Ryan was trying to date this really hot bartneder girl I know from school. That pissed me off after he had given me the speech about not wanting a girlfriend and I kinda of called him out on it and we kinda had a fight about it. At one point we were out on the street and I basically told him off and walked away and a few minutes later he called me. He had a good (but drunk) talk and I ended up going back to pick him up and gave him a ride home. he told me how beautiful I look and how I shouldn’t freak out about the new girl. But still, I was very heartbroken, and went home feeling pretty low.

And I was still unsure about Steven. I ended up staying over at his house Friday night, for the first time ever I got to sleep in his bed for a change, it was comfy but I didn’t sleep at all (too much on my mind). We hadnt talked much at all since the one night so I needed to know where he stood….i.e. he wasn’t ready then but does that mean hes ready now? Me being the Taurus I am, I needed defintions, expectations, boundaries. I tried talking to him but he wasn’t really into it so we ended up making out instead!

The next morning was the 4th of July. I don’t really remember exactly how but it quickly went from us dry humping in the bed to me attempting to force him to talk. Looking back now I know it was the wrong way to get what I wanted but I needed answers! I had been waiting almost a week to talk to him and so for me there was all these unanswered questions that he probably had no idea I was wanting to have answered. He told me he was sorry but he just didn’t want a girlfriend. That pissed me off because I felt like he was saying he just didn’t want me to be his girlfriend. I felt like this because initially all signs pointed to he wanted me to be. he actually called me and asked me to do "date" things with him. he told me all the time how sexy and beautiful and awesome I was. he texted me throughout the day and came over almost every night. He said he was infatuated with me! So looking back on that and thinking about the fucked up things that had happened it made me realize he had changed the way he felt about me and it made me sad and pissed me off that he wouldn’t just say what was real. So because of that I kept pushing him and pushing him to talk. This of course caused him to just shut down even more. And me me wanting answers- or not liking the answer I got- just pushed more. At one point he said we should just be fuck buddies but I told him I couldnt do that cuz it just left me feeling like a worthless pile of crap- and at that point I actually got up and left. I SHOULD HAVE LEFT IT AT THAT. He either would have chased after me, come to his senses later, or it would have ended gracefully.

But that insane part of me cannot let go- maybe its cuz I want to fight for what I want or maybe its cuz Im too insecure to walk away- but I ended up coming back. I was in silent tears- and I just wanted him to comfort me- so I went and layed in his arms. I think I was trying to say goodbye. But I ended up trying to force him to talk again and got so worked up and frustrated that I ended up crying even more. He flat out told me he wasn’t going to date me and the more I pushed him the more he would hate it. So then, just desperately trying to keep him in my life, I said lets just me fuck buddies then, and he said he didn’t want to do that anymore, that he was over it. As I was leaving I said "you really don’t give a fuck do you" and he said "don’t say that, I do, let just think it over and talk later". So he left it open but to me it felt like it was the end. I left his house trying to be strong but that emptiness hit me the moment I walked away :(

I went out to Bri and Donn;s for the family/friend BBQ. I couldn’t enjoy it but I knew I couldn’t be alone either. I tried to be strong but by the end of the night I had enough. 24 hours prior to that I was looking forward to cuddling on the beach with one of the men….but ended up watching the fireworks completely alone. I couldn’t even bring myself to sit with everyone else. I bawled my eyes out watching the fireworks and couldn’t stop thinking about it being my "Independence Day" and started preparing myself for a world of loneliness once again. I didn’t know if I could handle all the ups and downs but it was looking like things would be down for a while :(

"The Day After" (July 5)

I couldn’t spend the day alone again so I called up my sis and she invited me on the boat. We ended up going over to our friends place on the lake and hanging out swimming for a bit and then went out to the next town for dinner. It ended being an okay day despite the feeling of depression creeping in. I was laying on my couch that night just trying to forget about everything when I got a text from Steven. He asked me if I was okay. (He heard from our mutual friends that I was crying over him the night before). So it was kind of sweet that he wanted to make sure I was okay and I guess he had even called me earlier that afternoon while I was out of service range. He ended up coming over to smoke me out and I told him I was sorry that things had gotten so stupid. He asked if I was mad at him and I said no I was mad at myself. He said "why Im the jerk". He said he felt really bad. He tried to mess around with me and call me "Skeeters" like he always does but I don’t download that fast so I was a bit cold to him. I wanted him to know I was still hurting and I couldn’t just act like everything was fine. He stayed for only about an hour and gave me a hug and went home. The one and only time hes ever come over and not stayed the night but I knew it was for the best.

I spent the week just adjusting to everything. he tried to contact me but I told him I had some things to think about and I wasn’t ready to talk yet. He seemed shocked but it was good to have a bit of space. I needed to gather my thoughts and he needed to realize that I could function without him.

The Crazy Weekend!....

"He Loves Me! (The other man- not him!) (July 9)

I don't recall how it started but Ryan and I had one of those great late night laying in bed on the phone talks. Im pretty sure he was drunk but Im a believer in that the things we say when we are drunk are what we really mean to say just don’t have the guts to say in person. We had a great talk and he talked about the new girl not really working out and his custody troubles and how much he likes me and then he said it- I LOVE YOU TRIPLESGIRL! I think my heart skipped a beat! I mean, I know he meant it mostly in a friend way but I don’t care he still said it and I was very happy about it :)

"The Little Black Dress" (July 10)

My high school reunion (yes Im dating myself!). Wore a hot little black dress and went out on the town afterwards. Man I should do that more often I didn’t buy a single drink all night! Met a new guy (the blonde from Boise) and ended up making out with him (not so good tho- not my style) and on old friend of Ryan's who had never shown much interest in me before saw me in that dress and couldn’t take his eyes off! Invited me to a party the following night and started trying to date me but I pretty much blew both the men off over the next couple weeks- too much going on already!

….More on that later- feast or famine!....

Anyways Steven must have been drunk and horny or just missed me cuz he called me about 4 or 5 times that night which is rare. I finally called him back and he invited me over and I slipped into his house under the cover of darkness…crawled onto his lap while he was in the big chair…and started grinding on him and making out. We were both incredibly horny- no sex since June. I simply lifted up my dress and he slid down his pants and man we just went at it right there with his parents asleep in the next room. Im sure they heard my moaning I couldn’t hold it in! It was sooo incredibly HOT! I came harder than I have in a long time. He came home with me that night and Im sure we did it again in the morning.

"The Betrayal" (July 11)

he very next night after hooking back up with Steven, I get a very drunken call from Ryan saying that he needed a ride from a wedding reception. So I went to pick him up and he acted like it was the first time he finally noticed how good I was looking lately. He said he knows he fucked up and Im beautiful and he should have realized it a long time ago and how he isnt going to pursue new girl. He kept asking me if it was too late now that I have a boyfriend. I was trying to fend his drunken ass off but I must admit it was so nice to hear him say all those things after I had liked him so much for so long! I knew it was wrong and I promised myself after the last double dip that I wouldn’t do it again, but I did it anyway! I went up into his apartment with him and we had the hottest and longest sex session we have ever had together! I mean, we rocked it! And he admitted it and how sexy he thought I was :) Of course in the middle of it Steven was texting me (God its like he KNOWS. Everytime I go to Ryans, Steven calls me). I finally made it home but I knew I couldn’t see two men in one night so thank God Steven was asleep by the time I got home. I ended up showering and going out to the bar again and making out with Boise Boy again!!!

"Day on the Dock" (July 12)

The next day Ryan called me up and we ended up doing a couple errands and then going out to his BFF's dock to fish and swim and spend the day. That night my main man slept over. I cant believe how much had happened in one weekend and altho I was a bit disapointed in myself for doing that to Steven, in a way I did it cuz I was mad at him cuz he wouldn’t commit to me so I thought "fuck it! I can do what I want!" And altho I must admit I was feeling pretty confident snagging two hot guys in one weekend, I knew it was time to stop all the foolishness and be someone Steven could trust.

Somewhere in that week Ryan and I had a great phone conversation. We flirted and talked about important stuff and he reminissed about our escapade! Then he talked about his upcoming birthday and how his buddy was gonna have a party at his lake house for him and how he wanted to get dirty with me down on the beach!

"The Talk"

I cnt remember exactly when we finally did talk- but I think it was this week but it might have been the next. It was pretty clear we still had the hots for eachother and we were gonna keep sleeping together despite what he said on the forth. We never did have the long involved emotional talk I was hoping for, but what I do remember is him coming over one night and him sitting on the couch with my legs over him and me telling him how sorry I was for how stupid things got and how I now realize that I was pushing him into somehting he wasn’t ready for. I told him how I react badly when Im not getting what I want and my actions only further push away the exact thing Im trying to hang onto. I told him Ive realized I need to chill out and just let things be the way they are gonna be. He said "I agree with that statement" and that was that. I cant believe all that freaking out really ended up not being much of anything- altho I am scared that it did change the way he feels about me.

"The Drunken Weekend"

Lisa's Birthday July 16
Golf Tourney July 17
Spokompton Bachelorette Party July 18

"Steven's Near Miss" July 21

Ryan had his court case and was super stoked cuz he got what he wanted and I had gone over to his place after work to celebrate with him. Then of course Steven calls me- why does he always do that! I lied my face off about where I was, apologized to Ryan and quickly got out of there. Met with Steven at the bar. It was nice to just sit and talk with him. He did the cutest thing….he was talking about his court stuff and not having the $ to finish the counseling and being worried about having a warrant out for him. He was all stressed about it but then finally said "fuck it, I don’t care…but you know what I do care about?"...and he pointed to me! Okay, pretty sweet :)

And on the way home he got pulled over and I thought he was going to jail but he got away scott free! What a punk! we had a great night tho. We had hot couch sex! It was really hot in my house so he started playfully spitting water on me and I was wearing a white tee shirt so it got all wet and it ended up being this hot fun thing and it turned us both on so much we had more sex about 1am after we had both fallen asleep and woken up again. Then AGAIN at about 5am. We didn’t sleep much that night!

Girls Night July 24-

Went out to Lisa's but didn’t have very much fun and ended up missing Cortney going out to the bars and Steven getting into a fight and getting kicked out of my fav bar and Ryan breaking up the fight and being the one to tell me about it!

Bashing Wes' Truck July 25

Drunk Dials from Naughty Little Body…

Didn’t hear from Steven all weekend…

July 27- he texted He texted me Monday about getting kicked out of the bar and Monday night but he didn’t come over. There was a cool storm going on and he teased me by asking me if I wanted to watch with him but then said "too bad Im in bed!" Brat.

He came over Tuesday but I don’t think I heard anything from him the rest of the week….I was starting to worry again….even tried calling him about the Priest Lake camping trip he said he wanted to go on but he never returned my calls.

Priest Lake July 31
I went and had fun without him after not hearing from him all week. Low and behold I get home and find all these voice and text messages from him about how hes sorry for being a jerk and how he has relationship issues and asking if Im ignoring him. I was kinda glad he got a taste of his own medicine but looking forward to seeing him at the wedding.

Day of Weddings Aug 1
The night started out kind of iffy I wasn’t sure how things would go when I saw him, if he had gotten my message, how he would act around his ex, etc. He kinda ignored me at first but I just did my thing and had fun with friends. I got really wasted and sad, thinking he didn’t care about me, doesn’t want to be with me, etc. For a few days I had been wondering if what I really needed to do is just let him go and see if he chased after me. He freaked out about Kenny (thinking it was a different guy) and said something really mean to me "You look innocent but you're not". OUCH. So I had a lot of emotions going on, and weddings are hard for me anyway, so I ended up being the drunk crying girl for part of the night. Lisa's newphew latched onto me and we ended up going off together having a conversation. Even tho it was about Steven, Steven still was like "oh that’s your new boyf huh".

But I shouldn’t have been so upset and shouldnt have worried so much about him not caring about me. He does- and people tell me that- he just has a funny way of showing it. He did come to my rescue when I hurt my foot that was pretty cute :)

I think the dust is starting to settle. Maybe its cuz we've past the cruical 90 day mark. Maybe its cuz Ive been thinking a lot about how I need to approach this. I think mostly my attitude is what was changed. You know Im feeling a lot better about the situation now that I know him better. and all that crap and drama we went thru is almost good because its made us closer and made me think about a lot of stuff. I shouldn’t be in any hurry to make him my boyfriend. We basically act like it anyway, hes just not ready to say it and Im not going to rush him. Hes not ready because hes still so hurt about his ex, and sensitive about being cheated on because of what his brother went thru. I think in this case its going to take time because I have to proove to him that I am worthy to be his girlfriend. I have to earn his trust and let him know I can be trusted with his heart. And really theres nothing wrong with going slow, in the end it will be better because once I do become his offical girlfriend I will know its because he really wants me to be and not just because we are sleeping together. So, what this means is, I have to be "good" and be loyal to him so I can honestly give him what he is looking for. At first I thought he was putting the cart before the horse by asking for my loyalty before making me his girlfriend, but now I understand that I need to show him I worthy of the girlfriend status by being loyal. Its weird too cuz all my horoscopes lately are right on! Today's for example…I will close with this…

That old saying is true: you can't hurry love. You also can't pressure someone into being your romantic fantasy - but who's to say that your lover is not!? With the Moon quincunx Mercury, you have the tendency to let your mind and heart fight it out inside you, resulting in emotional confusion and overreactions, especially in love. You may just need to sit back, relax, and let your partner love you the way they want to naturally...you may find it's more than you ever hoped for!