Playing catch up

So many developments recently I havent even had time to blog so now its catch up time!!!...

"The Write Off".....and then "The Boy Fight!" (June 29)
My second to last post was the day I decide to mentally say goodbye to Steven and write him off for ignoring me and blowing me off, which I cannot stand. I decided for my own sake that I needed to just let him go and if he wasn’t going to pursue me, to be prepared for that. Low and behold- that very night was the night I got the strange texts from both he and Ryan indicating that they had a run in at the bar where Ryan confronted Steven for treating me badly and convinved him that he had an awesome girl on his hands!

"The Fall Out"

The week following that was great. Steven came over to my house groveling and saying how sorry he was and how much of a jerk he is. He said he just wasn’t ready for how fast things were moving but he really likes me. It seemed like he had come to his senses and realized he was about to loose me. Altho I was on cloud 9- Steven groveling and Ryan coming to my rescue- in the back of my mind I was still unsure and a bit worried. Maybe my fears were founded, maybe it was just me freaking out, I'm still not sure but for a while there everything was great! :) I knew Ryan cared about me and I had Steven right where I wanted him.

"Independance Day" (July 4)

The week started out pretty good. I was looking forward to spending the 4th with one of the boys! (Hopefully Steven but had Ryan as a backup) but then things started going back to the same old crap. I went out Friday night with Ryan, his BFF and his GF, and found out Ryan was trying to date this really hot bartneder girl I know from school. That pissed me off after he had given me the speech about not wanting a girlfriend and I kinda of called him out on it and we kinda had a fight about it. At one point we were out on the street and I basically told him off and walked away and a few minutes later he called me. He had a good (but drunk) talk and I ended up going back to pick him up and gave him a ride home. he told me how beautiful I look and how I shouldn’t freak out about the new girl. But still, I was very heartbroken, and went home feeling pretty low.

And I was still unsure about Steven. I ended up staying over at his house Friday night, for the first time ever I got to sleep in his bed for a change, it was comfy but I didn’t sleep at all (too much on my mind). We hadnt talked much at all since the one night so I needed to know where he stood….i.e. he wasn’t ready then but does that mean hes ready now? Me being the Taurus I am, I needed defintions, expectations, boundaries. I tried talking to him but he wasn’t really into it so we ended up making out instead!

The next morning was the 4th of July. I don’t really remember exactly how but it quickly went from us dry humping in the bed to me attempting to force him to talk. Looking back now I know it was the wrong way to get what I wanted but I needed answers! I had been waiting almost a week to talk to him and so for me there was all these unanswered questions that he probably had no idea I was wanting to have answered. He told me he was sorry but he just didn’t want a girlfriend. That pissed me off because I felt like he was saying he just didn’t want me to be his girlfriend. I felt like this because initially all signs pointed to he wanted me to be. he actually called me and asked me to do "date" things with him. he told me all the time how sexy and beautiful and awesome I was. he texted me throughout the day and came over almost every night. He said he was infatuated with me! So looking back on that and thinking about the fucked up things that had happened it made me realize he had changed the way he felt about me and it made me sad and pissed me off that he wouldn’t just say what was real. So because of that I kept pushing him and pushing him to talk. This of course caused him to just shut down even more. And me me wanting answers- or not liking the answer I got- just pushed more. At one point he said we should just be fuck buddies but I told him I couldnt do that cuz it just left me feeling like a worthless pile of crap- and at that point I actually got up and left. I SHOULD HAVE LEFT IT AT THAT. He either would have chased after me, come to his senses later, or it would have ended gracefully.

But that insane part of me cannot let go- maybe its cuz I want to fight for what I want or maybe its cuz Im too insecure to walk away- but I ended up coming back. I was in silent tears- and I just wanted him to comfort me- so I went and layed in his arms. I think I was trying to say goodbye. But I ended up trying to force him to talk again and got so worked up and frustrated that I ended up crying even more. He flat out told me he wasn’t going to date me and the more I pushed him the more he would hate it. So then, just desperately trying to keep him in my life, I said lets just me fuck buddies then, and he said he didn’t want to do that anymore, that he was over it. As I was leaving I said "you really don’t give a fuck do you" and he said "don’t say that, I do, let just think it over and talk later". So he left it open but to me it felt like it was the end. I left his house trying to be strong but that emptiness hit me the moment I walked away :(

I went out to Bri and Donn;s for the family/friend BBQ. I couldn’t enjoy it but I knew I couldn’t be alone either. I tried to be strong but by the end of the night I had enough. 24 hours prior to that I was looking forward to cuddling on the beach with one of the men….but ended up watching the fireworks completely alone. I couldn’t even bring myself to sit with everyone else. I bawled my eyes out watching the fireworks and couldn’t stop thinking about it being my "Independence Day" and started preparing myself for a world of loneliness once again. I didn’t know if I could handle all the ups and downs but it was looking like things would be down for a while :(

"The Day After" (July 5)

I couldn’t spend the day alone again so I called up my sis and she invited me on the boat. We ended up going over to our friends place on the lake and hanging out swimming for a bit and then went out to the next town for dinner. It ended being an okay day despite the feeling of depression creeping in. I was laying on my couch that night just trying to forget about everything when I got a text from Steven. He asked me if I was okay. (He heard from our mutual friends that I was crying over him the night before). So it was kind of sweet that he wanted to make sure I was okay and I guess he had even called me earlier that afternoon while I was out of service range. He ended up coming over to smoke me out and I told him I was sorry that things had gotten so stupid. He asked if I was mad at him and I said no I was mad at myself. He said "why Im the jerk". He said he felt really bad. He tried to mess around with me and call me "Skeeters" like he always does but I don’t download that fast so I was a bit cold to him. I wanted him to know I was still hurting and I couldn’t just act like everything was fine. He stayed for only about an hour and gave me a hug and went home. The one and only time hes ever come over and not stayed the night but I knew it was for the best.

I spent the week just adjusting to everything. he tried to contact me but I told him I had some things to think about and I wasn’t ready to talk yet. He seemed shocked but it was good to have a bit of space. I needed to gather my thoughts and he needed to realize that I could function without him.

The Crazy Weekend!....

"He Loves Me! (The other man- not him!) (July 9)

I don't recall how it started but Ryan and I had one of those great late night laying in bed on the phone talks. Im pretty sure he was drunk but Im a believer in that the things we say when we are drunk are what we really mean to say just don’t have the guts to say in person. We had a great talk and he talked about the new girl not really working out and his custody troubles and how much he likes me and then he said it- I LOVE YOU TRIPLESGIRL! I think my heart skipped a beat! I mean, I know he meant it mostly in a friend way but I don’t care he still said it and I was very happy about it :)

"The Little Black Dress" (July 10)

My high school reunion (yes Im dating myself!). Wore a hot little black dress and went out on the town afterwards. Man I should do that more often I didn’t buy a single drink all night! Met a new guy (the blonde from Boise) and ended up making out with him (not so good tho- not my style) and on old friend of Ryan's who had never shown much interest in me before saw me in that dress and couldn’t take his eyes off! Invited me to a party the following night and started trying to date me but I pretty much blew both the men off over the next couple weeks- too much going on already!

….More on that later- feast or famine!....

Anyways Steven must have been drunk and horny or just missed me cuz he called me about 4 or 5 times that night which is rare. I finally called him back and he invited me over and I slipped into his house under the cover of darkness…crawled onto his lap while he was in the big chair…and started grinding on him and making out. We were both incredibly horny- no sex since June. I simply lifted up my dress and he slid down his pants and man we just went at it right there with his parents asleep in the next room. Im sure they heard my moaning I couldn’t hold it in! It was sooo incredibly HOT! I came harder than I have in a long time. He came home with me that night and Im sure we did it again in the morning.

"The Betrayal" (July 11)

he very next night after hooking back up with Steven, I get a very drunken call from Ryan saying that he needed a ride from a wedding reception. So I went to pick him up and he acted like it was the first time he finally noticed how good I was looking lately. He said he knows he fucked up and Im beautiful and he should have realized it a long time ago and how he isnt going to pursue new girl. He kept asking me if it was too late now that I have a boyfriend. I was trying to fend his drunken ass off but I must admit it was so nice to hear him say all those things after I had liked him so much for so long! I knew it was wrong and I promised myself after the last double dip that I wouldn’t do it again, but I did it anyway! I went up into his apartment with him and we had the hottest and longest sex session we have ever had together! I mean, we rocked it! And he admitted it and how sexy he thought I was :) Of course in the middle of it Steven was texting me (God its like he KNOWS. Everytime I go to Ryans, Steven calls me). I finally made it home but I knew I couldn’t see two men in one night so thank God Steven was asleep by the time I got home. I ended up showering and going out to the bar again and making out with Boise Boy again!!!

"Day on the Dock" (July 12)

The next day Ryan called me up and we ended up doing a couple errands and then going out to his BFF's dock to fish and swim and spend the day. That night my main man slept over. I cant believe how much had happened in one weekend and altho I was a bit disapointed in myself for doing that to Steven, in a way I did it cuz I was mad at him cuz he wouldn’t commit to me so I thought "fuck it! I can do what I want!" And altho I must admit I was feeling pretty confident snagging two hot guys in one weekend, I knew it was time to stop all the foolishness and be someone Steven could trust.

Somewhere in that week Ryan and I had a great phone conversation. We flirted and talked about important stuff and he reminissed about our escapade! Then he talked about his upcoming birthday and how his buddy was gonna have a party at his lake house for him and how he wanted to get dirty with me down on the beach!

"The Talk"

I cnt remember exactly when we finally did talk- but I think it was this week but it might have been the next. It was pretty clear we still had the hots for eachother and we were gonna keep sleeping together despite what he said on the forth. We never did have the long involved emotional talk I was hoping for, but what I do remember is him coming over one night and him sitting on the couch with my legs over him and me telling him how sorry I was for how stupid things got and how I now realize that I was pushing him into somehting he wasn’t ready for. I told him how I react badly when Im not getting what I want and my actions only further push away the exact thing Im trying to hang onto. I told him Ive realized I need to chill out and just let things be the way they are gonna be. He said "I agree with that statement" and that was that. I cant believe all that freaking out really ended up not being much of anything- altho I am scared that it did change the way he feels about me.

"The Drunken Weekend"

Lisa's Birthday July 16
Golf Tourney July 17
Spokompton Bachelorette Party July 18

"Steven's Near Miss" July 21

Ryan had his court case and was super stoked cuz he got what he wanted and I had gone over to his place after work to celebrate with him. Then of course Steven calls me- why does he always do that! I lied my face off about where I was, apologized to Ryan and quickly got out of there. Met with Steven at the bar. It was nice to just sit and talk with him. He did the cutest thing….he was talking about his court stuff and not having the $ to finish the counseling and being worried about having a warrant out for him. He was all stressed about it but then finally said "fuck it, I don’t care…but you know what I do care about?"...and he pointed to me! Okay, pretty sweet :)

And on the way home he got pulled over and I thought he was going to jail but he got away scott free! What a punk! we had a great night tho. We had hot couch sex! It was really hot in my house so he started playfully spitting water on me and I was wearing a white tee shirt so it got all wet and it ended up being this hot fun thing and it turned us both on so much we had more sex about 1am after we had both fallen asleep and woken up again. Then AGAIN at about 5am. We didn’t sleep much that night!

Girls Night July 24-

Went out to Lisa's but didn’t have very much fun and ended up missing Cortney going out to the bars and Steven getting into a fight and getting kicked out of my fav bar and Ryan breaking up the fight and being the one to tell me about it!

Bashing Wes' Truck July 25

Drunk Dials from Naughty Little Body…

Didn’t hear from Steven all weekend…

July 27- he texted He texted me Monday about getting kicked out of the bar and Monday night but he didn’t come over. There was a cool storm going on and he teased me by asking me if I wanted to watch with him but then said "too bad Im in bed!" Brat.

He came over Tuesday but I don’t think I heard anything from him the rest of the week….I was starting to worry again….even tried calling him about the Priest Lake camping trip he said he wanted to go on but he never returned my calls.

Priest Lake July 31
I went and had fun without him after not hearing from him all week. Low and behold I get home and find all these voice and text messages from him about how hes sorry for being a jerk and how he has relationship issues and asking if Im ignoring him. I was kinda glad he got a taste of his own medicine but looking forward to seeing him at the wedding.

Day of Weddings Aug 1
The night started out kind of iffy I wasn’t sure how things would go when I saw him, if he had gotten my message, how he would act around his ex, etc. He kinda ignored me at first but I just did my thing and had fun with friends. I got really wasted and sad, thinking he didn’t care about me, doesn’t want to be with me, etc. For a few days I had been wondering if what I really needed to do is just let him go and see if he chased after me. He freaked out about Kenny (thinking it was a different guy) and said something really mean to me "You look innocent but you're not". OUCH. So I had a lot of emotions going on, and weddings are hard for me anyway, so I ended up being the drunk crying girl for part of the night. Lisa's newphew latched onto me and we ended up going off together having a conversation. Even tho it was about Steven, Steven still was like "oh that’s your new boyf huh".

But I shouldn’t have been so upset and shouldnt have worried so much about him not caring about me. He does- and people tell me that- he just has a funny way of showing it. He did come to my rescue when I hurt my foot that was pretty cute :)

I think the dust is starting to settle. Maybe its cuz we've past the cruical 90 day mark. Maybe its cuz Ive been thinking a lot about how I need to approach this. I think mostly my attitude is what was changed. You know Im feeling a lot better about the situation now that I know him better. and all that crap and drama we went thru is almost good because its made us closer and made me think about a lot of stuff. I shouldn’t be in any hurry to make him my boyfriend. We basically act like it anyway, hes just not ready to say it and Im not going to rush him. Hes not ready because hes still so hurt about his ex, and sensitive about being cheated on because of what his brother went thru. I think in this case its going to take time because I have to proove to him that I am worthy to be his girlfriend. I have to earn his trust and let him know I can be trusted with his heart. And really theres nothing wrong with going slow, in the end it will be better because once I do become his offical girlfriend I will know its because he really wants me to be and not just because we are sleeping together. So, what this means is, I have to be "good" and be loyal to him so I can honestly give him what he is looking for. At first I thought he was putting the cart before the horse by asking for my loyalty before making me his girlfriend, but now I understand that I need to show him I worthy of the girlfriend status by being loyal. Its weird too cuz all my horoscopes lately are right on! Today's for example…I will close with this…

That old saying is true: you can't hurry love. You also can't pressure someone into being your romantic fantasy - but who's to say that your lover is not!? With the Moon quincunx Mercury, you have the tendency to let your mind and heart fight it out inside you, resulting in emotional confusion and overreactions, especially in love. You may just need to sit back, relax, and let your partner love you the way they want to naturally...you may find it's more than you ever hoped for!