I cannot believe it took me this long to write about this, its been over a week!!! But something amazing wonderful crazy and totally unexpected happened!!! TripleSgirl is totally stoked, but also confused, scared, and honestly caught off guard!
So heres goes…
So in my last blog I talked about Ryan and I hooking up again. Well at first I thought it was just another drunk hookup and didn’t mean anything. But he had been getting kinda serious with me lately, with the “I care about you so much” and getting all up in arms about Steven. Calling me like, everyday. Asking me to do stuff. I was kinda wondering what was up…
Well on Wednesday night (Aug 12) I found out. The night started when after work I was supposed to go over to my sister’s future in-laws for a wedding planning dinner. Ryan had called me after work and I told him I was doing but he wanted to go to meet his buddy at the bar and didn’t want to drive (or wanted an excuse to see me LOL). So I offered to give him a ride on my way. I was already running late…big shocker…so I was hoping he would just come jump in the car. No such luck. Instead of showing like he was supposed to, he was out on his deck watching the storm. Proceeded to spend the next near hour taking pics of it and the subsequent double rainbow…which was really cool BTW….I think of it as a symbol of what happened later that night J
So I went and did my thing and then called him when I was done. He said he wanted me to come down to the bar to meet him cuz he wanted to sing me a song (uh oh! He was in the of “those” moods! Read: happy-outgoing-lovey-drunk!). So I did it…damn he looked hot that night…he was kissing and hugging all over me! Looking directly into my eyes…wow…awesome but the whole time Im thinking WTF?! He got up to the mic with his buddy (Steven’s ex-boss) and proceeded to sing/rap/slurr about me. I could barely understand what he was saying but it was so sweet! I felt like I was being serenaded. How awesome is it that he was proclaiming over the microphone his feelings for me? Wow. I was nervous the whole time tho cuz Steven’s friend was there…man I hope he didn’t recognize me! Anyways so Ryan and I snuck out the backway and we stopped to talk and kiss and hug. He kept saying how stupid he was for not catching me earlier and how much he cares about me and how he thinks Im not being treated well. He kept kissing me and saying how much he likes kissing me J He said he felt like I gave him an ultimatum when I met Steven, but I explained to him that it wasn’t that, I was just moving on for myself, because I thought there was never any hope for us. But I did tell him that he is the one and always has been the one J
So we went into Safeway for his usual late night food binge, and wandered around for what seemed like hours. He was holding me hand the whole time and we were acting like crazy kids it was so much fun ;) While we were laughing and spurring back and forth he said “we would have so much fun together!” The great conversation continued back at his apartment…I parked in the hiding spot and we sat, listened to tunes, and smoked a bowl. I was just getting this intense vibe off of him. We talked about his son…and his life…and he kept thinking of ways to bring up K, etc the other girls ya know, making it a point to say how he doesn’t like them, doesn’t want to pursue them, etc. Kept saying how good a of a friend I am to him, that Im the only one who has really been there for him all along, and that I mean a lot to him. Then he said he knew the timing was bad cuz now I have something else going on. I don’t recall the exact way we got there but he finally said, he told me that he just needed time to get to know me, to become friends, to trust me. He said that lately he has realized how much he cares for me. He even said “haven’t you been getting a vibe off of me lately?” and I said yes I have! Then, this was the most amazing and romantic thing that’s ever happened to me…he started listing off all the things we believe a relationship should be based on…fun, friendship, companionship, trust, respect, understanding, compatibility, commitment….and I was just dying the whole time, almost in tears and couldn’t believe what I was hearing, its like it was coming from my own heart. It was like he was taking the words right out of my mouth. Then he paused…like what he was about to say was difficult…and I said what? I guess he hadn’t finished his list…cuz he said…”and LOVE”.
WOW. I was floored. Shocked. So happy! Damn near in tears. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing…its what I never thought would happen…but what Ive always wanted to hear! I don’t think any man has ever spilled their heart to me like that. And I couldn’t believe it was Ryan, the man of my dreams! I just looked at him and told him that I feel the same way he does. He said “lets just quit the BS, lets do it!” he said he didn’t know how to define things tho, cuz of Steven, and what was going on in his life, and I told him that he don’t need to define it, we both know how we feel J I melting just thinking about it, it was the most amazing night of my life.
….Followed by a messed up morning! Steven seeing me driving the walk of shame…ouch. I had a really strong gut feeling when I was leaving his place that I should turn down the backway…but I didn’t (should listen to my gut!”) and bam! 2 seconds later, he turns off our road on the street I was on, right fucking past me. And he totally saw me. L
So I had very mixed feelings the next day. I was so stoked about what had happened with Ryan but so down about what happened with Steven, I didn’t know what to do! I was so anxious at work all day. In fact lately Ive been a nervous anxious wreck! Damn boys! My stomach was upset all day. I wanted to be happy about Ryan but I still was unsure about the whole thing. And about Steven, I had wanted things between us to end naturally, and on good terms, not with him seeing evidence of me cheating. I don’t want to contribute to his fear of relationships and problems with women. But on the other hand, maybe it was a blessing in disguise and everything happens for a reason…I figured if it ended that way it was meant to happen and I did bring it upon myself.
I managed to lie my way out it, although Im not sure how convinced he was. Man that felt shitty…lying to him like that…
So that night was my dad’s bday and we all went to the concert. Man it was hard to concentrate on the family thing. Especially since Ryan was also there and texting me the whole time. We met up with eachother and kept taking off together, then he finally came to sit with me and the fam! I couldn’t believe how cool he was with them. He sat with us, danced with me, kissing on me and whispering in my ear the whole time how awesome I am J
I bet my family was like, “whos this guy?” LOL…
All I know is Steven wont even meet my family for long enuf to be introduced so he wont feel weird coming over during daylight hours. Ok. And heres Ryan meeting me entire family and hanging out with his and not being shy with the affection towards me. What does that say.?!?…
So the next day, Friday, Steven was talking to me again and I didn’t really know what to do cuz I wanted to see him but already had plans to go to another concert with Ryan. And honestly was looking forward to it! The night started out good, but then we both ran into friends and got separated. By the time the concert started and I found him again, there was some other girl he was more interested in. He barely spoke to me and I couldn’t stand it. I mean 2 nights prior he was confessing his love for me and how he barely acts like Im supposed to be his date for the night?! WTF!? (Read: sign hes not ready for commitment). So I got upset, and I wanted to run to Steven. He had called me earlier that night (when I was on my way to meet Ryan ironically enuf) and said he was out to Wes and Lisas and sounded disappointed that I wasn’t going…but I told him I would probably meet him out there later. And I did. When I saw Ryan go off with the girl to the dancefloor, I had enough. I never wanted to run to Steven so bad in my life. I felt like it was right to go be with him, my actual (non)boyfriend, then be moonlighting with Ryan. So I literally ran out of there, jumped in my car, and sped about 60 mph all the way out to see Steven.
When I got there I discovered that he had rammed his car into a telephone pole!…chasing after Wes who was trying to rescue Briana from a flipping-out Donn. It was fucked and he was pretty upset about it. So not the best time for me to be around. So Lisa took me for walk in the woods and basically told me not to hurt him and called me out on my skanky behavior at the wedding and pointed ythat even tho I didn’t notice cuz hes subtle, he was pissed/hurt. It was hard for me to hear but I needed that talk. I needed someone to point those things out to me. I need someone to keep me on track. We talked about a lot of things, and I feel much closer to her now, she’s actually been instrumental in Steven and I even getting, and staying, together. By the time we got back, the boys were passed out, but I made a makeshift bed on the floor and Steven came down to the floor with me. The next day we stayed there until 3pm! Just hanging, watching movie, puffing, being hungover!
That night Steven came over for a bit and he and I and Bri went to crash the neighbors wedding. Then the 3 of us hung for a bit and I really wanted Steven to say so we could talk…I wanted to apologize for my recent behavior per Lisa and I’s conversation…but we didn’t get the chance. Bri was all out of sorts about Donn and Steven sensed that so he went home and let the BFFs stay and talk J what a cool guy J
The next day I went to CDA with Lisa and the kids. It was fun and another opportunity for us to talk. That night Steven came over and we talked and he spent the night and we just rented a move and I layed on him and we both fell asleep J I was feeling pretty good.
A couple lame things happened over the week (him ditching out on coming over) but I did pretty good. I kinda felt like I needed some space from both guys. My head was, and still is spinning. So I was pissed about Wednesday night, but last night made up for it.
Last night was fun. I met Lisa and him and one of her girlfriends at the bar and then we went out to a couple other friends places and met up with Wes. Im pretty sure Lisa and Steven had a talk…I think she told him whats up and that I need to back up off my shit a little bit. (In regards to him freaking out that I was mad he didn’t come over). She told me hes just scared. I know J I am being patient and she said I am good at being patient with him. I know my patience wont last forever but Im just trying not to rock the boat right now since I want to enjoy the time we do have left.
Anyways we actually talked on the way home. First about his work stuff, he needed to get it out. Then it turned to talk about us. He actually initiated it! I explained to him that I don’t like being disappointed or having my feelings hurt, and that’s why I reacted the way I did about the other night. I told him I am not up in his business all the time, calling him all the time, and trying to understand that he needs space. So I told him he needs to understand I don’t like being flaked out on. He actually seemed to understand J It was a great talk!
When we got home we cuddled on the couch for a little bit, and talked some more, while his head was rested on my chest and I ran my fingers thru his hair. I got up to get ready for bed but he pulled me back and at first I resisted (tired, felt gross), but then I realized that he needed to have make up sex as an apology. And it was so nice…intimate, romantic, sensual…but lasted a bit too long (I was sore!). We finally passed out but got woken up shortly after by a crazy loud thunderstorm! He cuddled me all night. And woke up with a kiss and another romp! J He is so cute sometimes.
So right now I am feeling pretty good about things with Steven. I did talk to Ryan last night (after a few days of no contact) and he confirmed his feelings for me but he knows I still have a boyfriend. I told him I feel like he isn’t ready for anything anyway, and he said ya he wont have the time for a relationship after he starts his second job, so I said, Steven’s just a distraction for now, and whats it matter anyways if you aren’t ready? He said he didn’t matter, but I wonder if maybe it does? Then I started babbling, because I don’t know what to do, and he told me I need to just chill and be the layed back girl and not worry about everything so much. And you know what, hes right. I guess Ive been anxious lately because of everything that’s happened, the drama, and I have a lot of strong emotions all going on at once right now. This is more than has happened to me my entire life! But I am just gonna take the ride…and enjoy myself! Things will happen the way they are meant to happen J
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