Another weekend of man juggling

Friday was Anna's birthday party out at the bars. I wanted Steven to come with me because I assumed Sean would be there and I wanted him to see me lookin hot and with a hot young stud on my arm! But I knew he might bail on me so I had Ryan as a "backup". On my way to town I stopped at his friends where he was and hung out for a bit. We had a good, but short, conversation in the back yard in which he told me that he cares for me and hes worried Im being treated like shit and we have a connection. Thinking back on that, and our situation, makes today's horoscope very fitting. In fact they've all been very fitting lately!....

A new love relationship should be appearing over the horizon, perhaps with someone as creative as yourself. This could cause a rush of self-doubt, particularly about your appearance, but don't waste any time with this. It's your energy the person is drawn to! Some fascinating conversations could take place, and feelings should run very intense and deep. If circumstances permit, this could lead to a long-term commitment - or even marriage! Enjoy!

And I do have doubts about my appearance with Ryan. I used to feel he was out of my league and Ive seen the girls he dates, they are gorgeous. Now I do feel better about my looks and he has definitely noticed. But I do feel that even tho my new appearance is what has made him take notice, our true attraction is much deeper, since it comes from our connection and our energies! I cant help but feel like this is the best foundation for a friendship and hopefully one day, if we can get things figured out, an amazing relationship :)

But I do like Steven. He is adorable and fn and funny and sweet and quirky and sexy. My attraction to him is undeniably strong. I mean I get turned on just being near him! But that, plus the fact that we get into sorts about small stuff and we never seem to have any meaningful conversations, indicates that he will be short term fun only. I guess I knew trhat from the beginning but I thought I would give it a chance anyway, better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all right? Anyways I guess theres still a possibility it could keep going, but I doubt it…Sagitarrius and Taurus- not exactly compatible!

But Cancer and Taurus…perfect match! Ryan is the one I really like. The one Ive always liked. The one that when Im with him everything feels like it should be. Our personalities match so well. We have similar lifestyles, goals, and ways of looking at life. Im in love with his kid. We have a great connection and we are great friends and we make great lovers also. Hes the one who came to the bar to save me from the Sean situation (even tho Sean was a no-show). I think as soon as he walked into that bar everyone else dissapeared :) At one point we were by the jutebox talking to this guy and I mentioned "if my boyfriend were here" and the guy said "he isnt your boyfriend?" and I said no. And the guy said "well he should be!" and I said "why?" and the guy said "cuz you guys look cute together and hes obviously crazy about you!" Ryan just hugged me and smiled :)

So anyways I went home with him that night and the walk to my car took about 30 mins cuz we were stopping to make out every 30 seconds! And I was so horny, hadnt had sex in a week, drunk, and really wanted him! So pretty much the minute we walked in the door we were all over eachother. I think we did it 3 times! Once at night (for at least an hour, all over his living room), then again twice in the morning!

And in between those 2 morning sessions….Steven called me. He called me at 7am!! WTF?!? He is never up that early! I didn’t answer…I was too scared. I was too scared for him to ask to come over or why my car wasn’t at my house or to hear him say that he saw my car parked at Ryan's. then he sent a text saying "hows the strange dick" which just worsened my fears! But I shouldnt have worried. After I got home I texted him and turns out he was just horny and trying to make up for not doing me the night before :) I would have called him over in an instant...that is, if I hadnt just gotten done being with another man. I mean...eww...I cant do that to Steven.

So we texted back and forth for a bit and it was cool and then it got stupid. He asked me what i was doing that day so I thought he wanted to actually do something with me so I asked him to and he said no he had worked too much lately. Ok. That just pissed me off because lately Ive been feeling like he only wants me for sex, that we will never have a real relationship and that he wont even let me around his friends. So I asked him if thats all we are gonna do is just fuck. He shot back with "whoa freak outer...thats what you wanted last night..go find some other dude. peace."

WTF???!!! Talk about freak outer! hes is the one who freaks over the littliest things but he thinks its me! I feel like we dont or understand eachother that well and so misunderstandings get blown out of proportion. But we cant get to know eachother if we dont hang out. Its a catch-22. Plus I function better if I have definitions, and so our undefined half-assed "nonrelationship" has me all out of sorts and because of it the best of me is not always what shines thru. But because he has seen those insecure (to guys- crazy) sides of me , he doesnt want to be with me. Thats the definition of irony. But I dont know if I will ever get him to see that. Maybe in a letter...maybe he will really listen that way...because he wont feel backed into a corner like a lot of guys do when "talks" happen.

Anyways I did write him a letter this weekend. Or, actually, alterted one I had already written as a way to vent my feelings. Never planned on giving it to him but I was in desperation after his lame trying-to-break-up-over-text message. (Altho I should have known it wasnt over after he texted me an hour later asking what I was thinking about). So in trying to keep him, I told him I had a letter for him. hes been bugging me to read it ever since but Im not ready for himt o read it cuz i want to change it! The second draft was all positive, me apologizing and saying how much I like him. This is because I just want everything to be good between us. But, Im not willing to sacfrice that much for it, thats not real, he needs to know how I really feel. So Im planning on revising it a bit, making it not so easy for him, and then maybe giving it to him.

Anyways we did see eachother that night. He called me (when I was at Ryan's) after he was done with work. We went to the cemetary and drank a bottle of wine and had a good conversation! Not really deep, mostly just basic stuff, but still really nice and I still felt really good about it afterwards. I did bring up Jenni to see if he wanted to talk about it, but he must not have been in the mood cuz he didnt. But thats okay. Then he went to my house, jumped eachother's bones, and then watched a movie. He was mostly falling asleep but he held me close and cuddled me the whole time :) It was really sweet. I love the feelings of a man's arms around me, especially him.

Oh god what am I gonna do?!? Im so afraid that this seeing two men will backfire on me bigtime! I know it will, its just a matter of time, TripleSgirl you must make up your mind or you will loose them both!!!