Infedelity and sexual pasts....

As Ive been milling over the events of the last couple days, I can't help but feel like maybe I deserve whats been happening because I've been unfaithful. No matter how I justified it at the time, what it boils down to is that I shouldn't have done it. And now I'm worried that Steven has done/is doing/plans on doing the exact same thing. And while that makes me sick to my stomach and like I want to pummel him- I have to realize that maybe I deserve it. Turnabouts fair play. I'm a cheater cheater cheater! FUCK! Someone I never wanted to be. And something I never wanted to be on the receiving end of. But I think I have to come to terms with the fact that I may be. I dont want to jump to conclusions, but also I cant be naive. I mean, he is 22. He is hot. He can get pretty drunk sometimes. Plus- I cant possibly be enough to satisfy him!

Last night he came over, despite Lisa telling me I should ignore him for a couple days to give him a wake up call. I just couldnt do that, I wanted so badly just to make things better again so I didnt have to go around with a knot in my stomach. If it ends, it ends, but I wasnt going to let it end on a completely retarded note for no apparent reason! We had a good night last night. He kinda talked about what had been going on but not in a real serious or intense way- which is I think the way to approach him. We called eachother out on shit but in a friendly, joking way to where I think we each got the point but it didnt turn nasty or stupid.

We cuddled real close on the couch and it felt so good to just be in his arms- something I wasnt sure would ever happen again. Then he started messing around with me like he normally does, getting me all turned on. Before he came over I wasnt in the mood and I wasnt going to let him back in my pants that easily- but I admit, I caved. Hes just so good at turning me on! And once we got started I realized how badly I did want it and it had been over a week. He kept pulling me close and kissing me and using his fingers on me until I was so wet neither of us could stand it anymore. It was couch sex- quick and thrusty and awesome! And our orgasms were perfectly timed together! It was amazing and I loved it :)

We went back to cuddling and watching the movie then we started wrestling and messing around again. He was tickling me like crazy and I was screaming and screeching so much I was afraid the neighbor would come to see what was up! We started talking again and I dont know how it came up but he mentioned the name of the "buddy" he left my bed to go drink with the other night and used the pronoun SHE. WTF?! Oakley is a girl! I knew it! I got playfully pissed and he knew it! He knew he was being kinda shady that he didnt tell me he was going to hang out with female friends! Then he started volunteering information...."well we dated in high school but we never fucked". Oh great, Steven, that makes me feel a lot better. So that means since you never fucked you probably still hold a torch for her. I wasnt all that pissed that he left when i thought it was dudes he was going to hang out with. But now that I know he left my bed to go get drunk with an ex girlfriend?? Hmmm Im not sure if Im cool with that. It would so not be cool for him to have someone on the side after he gives me so much shit about it. Oh, and then he told me he cheated on 2 girlfriends. Great. "Friends" with exes, a cheating past, accusing me of doing it, and getting bent out of shape when I confront him. I have to say the signs dont line up in my favor. I think its possible that we are both in crazy town if we believe we are in a monogamous relationship.

But maybe I shouldnt put too much stock in his past. I wish he wouldnt put so much stock in mine, altho I know he does, cuz guys want to believe that no other man's naked body has touched yours and somehow you've been magically saving yourself all these yours for only them. They especially dont want to know or be friends with any of the guys from your past, which unfortunately happens in a small town....also a bi-product of me and others being a big mouth!!!

***Note to self, lesson for next time, dont tell new man about old men unless they ask!!!***

What i really want to tell Steven is not to trip about my past. Ya, some of the guys he happens to know. But its a small town and I probably know some of his girls too. I want to tell him that I slept with those guys for all the wrong reasons. Its not because I was some out-of-control hyper sexual slut who couldnt get enough of the strange dick. Its because Im an easily-persuaded person who got roped into it. I just went it with it because I thought the guys wanted me. I thought oh maybe this one will really love me and care for me. I was just desperately grasping for the love and solid connection I seek And the more guys I had casual sex with, the worse I felt about myself and the less confidence I had to know I was better than that. The more guys that dropped me after they got want they wanted out of me, the lower I felt. I wondered, why am I not worthy of love? So the more desperate and despondant I felt, the more easily I was persuaded by these guys to just do what they wanted. Ya, it sucks. Its not a path you want to go down. But the good thing, Im smarter than that now. I have the life experience to realize what those guys were really after and Im smart enuf to avoid that now. But I am still struggling with the confidence issues, and telling myself I deserve only the best. I still let guys walk all over me sometimes, and I still sometimes get left in the dust, but my slutty past is far behind me and I wish he could somehow know that.

WTF weekend

Ok, readers, if I have any! Hopefully you have been keeping up on my saga because here is where I need some advice regarding Main Man, Neighbor Boy, Steven. Up until last week things had been great. Then it all started to get really stupid really fast. All of this on the heels of me deciding once and for all to stop messing around with the other guy cuz he deserves my loyalty and thinking that lately things have been going really good. I mean, we even had a moment there where I swear he called himself my boyfriend! And while we were holding eachother I told him I wanted us to trust eachother and do right by eachother and he agreed and then we made sweet love. I thought things were on the right track and about to round the big 6-month bend in the road. I mena, read the last couple paragraphs of the post...

My man sticking up for me! and other awesome things

But then...

Tuesday I went out with friends after work and he kept bugging me texting me giving me a hard time for being out. Its really starting to bug me that he does that cuz I never can tell if hes joking or if he really thinks I am out cheating on him. Either way it still pisses me off. I don’t constantly bug him when I know hes out with friends. So anyways the next day I asked him if he really was pissed that I was out with friends or was he just joking. He said he was just joking and that was that. I thought nothing else of it.

Then Wednesday night he came over and I thought everything was fine but then he started texting someone and didn’t say who and then right as we were laying down to bed he got a call and then got up and left. He told me he had to go meet some friends at the bar.

Being suspicious….Wednesday I asked him if he understands that if he is asking me to be loyal that I expect the same from him. He got defensive and said "sheesh I was just out with friends". Then I said "answer the question and we can move on". And he never answered the question directly. He just said "okay" not "yes".

Thursday night he came over to change my oil (after me asking 3 times) and then took off out to Wes and Lisa and didn’t invite me.

Friday we had plans but then when I called to say I was leaving my house he said he changed his mind he was going to Wes and Lisas again. Again no invite. I asked him if its just me or does it seem like he doesn’t want to hang out with me lately. He said "well, you're acting weird." I asked him to elaborate but he wouldn’t. He just said we would talk about it later. I can only assume he was weired out by the questions I had asked him earlier in the week. But why would he be unless he is defensive about something?!

Saturday I went down to CDA and he called me about 7pm and when I told him I was in CDA, his first question "are you alone?". I said yes (I was alone). He said ok call me when you get home. So I called when I got home but he didn’t answer.

He called a couple hours later and my phone reception was cutting in and out so we were having a hard time hearing eachother and then the call got dropped. So I called him back- twice- on the land line but he didn’t answer. Ok, weird. Then he sends me a text an hour later saying "whats your deal? are you out humping some other dude? I tried talking to you but it was like talking to a brick wall". Ok. Im not a brick wall. I wasn’t refusing to talk to him. It was the phone reception jackass. And why would he think Im out if I called him right back on the LAND LINE from my house. I pointed that out to him and he said no you didn’t call me. I said yes I did- twice! and then he said oh, well my phone's been acting weird and dropping calls. I said okay then- your phone is acting weird and so is mine! Theres nothing to fight about! He just said he was going to bed and maybe he would talk to me tomorrow.

I was so flabbergasted I didn’t know what to do. I said okay talk to you later then. He was getting mad at me over nothing! The tension was very high tho. I feel like hes just trying to pick a fight with me, altho I don’t know why. WTF?!? Oh and I left him a voicemail Sunday morning saying this is dumb I don’t want to fight about stupid stuff there is nothing to fight about so please call me back. And I havent heard from him since. And his car wasn’t at his house this morning.

So what do you think readers….Im sick to my stomach right now….

Letter to Ryan

So I didnt hear from Ryan for a few days, thought it was kind of weird but didnt think too much about it since I'd been spending so much time with Main Man. Then after I came out of a movie on Saturday night I had a message from him saying "not trying to be a dick but we just need to be friends and thats it". Okay.....not sure what to think. So I didnt call him back right away. In fact the only thing Ive done was send a text saying "got your msg, talk later". But now that Ive had a chance to mill things over this is what I really want to say to him....

Ryan- stop fucking with my heart! You have taken me up and down this rollercoaster ride and I cant do it anymore. As much as I want us to be together I cant go around holding a torch for you anymore. I held a torch for you for so long and got so tired of being continuously shot down that I decided in order to keep my heart from breaking even more I had to move on. It was not an ultimatum. I wasnt asking you to step up or go away. I did it because I thought there was no chance of you ever liking me so I got on with my life. It was something I had to do for myself. I found a new guy and I decided to get with him initially because I saw it as a chance for me to rebound. A chance to get my mind off of you. A chance for me to realize that you arent the only man in the world. A distraction.

So things settled down as we went to being friends. And I just tried to get over you.

But then you threw things for a major loop that night when we had that talk in the car. When you confessed that your feelings for me had grown so much stronger lately. That night you listed off all the things you think a relationship should be and I was holding back tears of happiness because all those things are my list too and I NEVER thought I would hear you say that to me. Suddenly my dreams were coming true and all those feelings I had been pushing back for months came to the surface again. I thought, "finally, he is realizing what I have felt for a long time now, which is that we are so perfect for eachother and meant to be together". I thought, how could this really be happening? It was one of the most amazing nights of my life.

I woke up that morning in a daze. I was so happy at what had happened and I started thinking about how to break up with Steven since he was only a temporary distraction anyway. My mind started wandering to how awesome things could be and thinking that maybe, finally, I had found THAT person and the feeling was mutual! But also I was scared that it wasnt true and that I had drempt it all. I was scared that didnt mean what you had said. So, I had to make sure before I started making decisions. So, I asked you, and what you said sunk my stomach like a rock. You said, in so many words, that you still didnt want to be with me. :(

I didnt understand how you could sit there and say how much you love me as a person and how we connect so well and how we are perfect for eachother...but say you didnt want a relationship with me. So, I took your word for it that it was just bad timing with everything going on in your life. So what happened on the outside is nothing (you and I still friends and Steven and I still together), but on the inside...

All of my feelings about you that I had forced away had come back and I had to go thru the cycle of dealing again. Only this time it was harder because your feelings towards me were different. Instead of me having to deal with the fact that you didnt like me in that way, now I had to deal with the fact that you did like me but just didnt want to be with me. Can you understand how hard this was on me? So I guess even tho my true feelings were for you, I stayed with Steven because he gave me what I needed at the time. I couldnt have you as my companion so I went to him as a way to fill that void. What I dont think you understand is that he was not a threat to you. I got with him simply as a way to get over you. It wasnt an ultimatum. I dont think you realize that I would dump him in and instant if you said you loved me and wanted to be with me. If you arent ready, I would wait for you for as long as it took, if you just took me in your arms and asked me to.

Its always been you, Ryan. When I am with you everything just feels right. I have no doubts that our souls are somehow intertwined. The love I feel for you is more true and deep then I have ever felt for another person. Knowing you and caring about you has opened up a very hard cold shell I had built around myself. I let my guard down and let myself fall in love with you.

And as amazing as that is, I cant keep going on like this. I cant open myself up just to be heart broken time and time again. One week you like me and the next you dont. You tell me you love me in one breath and the next you tell me we just need to be friends. I cant keep doing this. It simply hurts too much. So, I need to know, once and for all, is there a chance for us to be together someday or am I living in dream land? If its the latter than you need to know that I have no choice but to put my feelings for you back into that box and lock them away. So, I just need you to tell me from the bottom of your heart how you truly feel. Dont let my current situation get in the way. Dont let the complications of your life get in the way. Just think about you and me and how you feel when we are together. Think about what you really want for yourself and what happiness means to you. If that not me, then set me free.

My man sticking up for me! and other awesome things

I must play catch up again as I didnt write about last weekend. Friday night went to a concert (one of my fav bands right now- live! in my town! sweet!) with Steven and BFF and BFF's hubby. I had imbibed quite a bit that night, plus taken a Z, so I was floating! It was perfect tho- just enuf to where I was having a great time with no inhibtions to keep me off the dance floor! BFF and I danced it up, I collected cups off the floor and turned them in for the cash to pay for our drinks, and Steven came along which was awesome and unexpected. So, started out being a great night, but then....

My purse got snatched by some beotch and I had to shove my way thru the crowd until I spotted the purse and ran up and grabbed it out of her hand before she even knew what hit her. I should have called the cops on her ass- or the bouncer- or at least told her off! But I wasnt in the frame of mind for rational thought or confrontation, so I was just glad to get the purse back.

So, situation #1 avoided, I assumed I was in the clear, but nooooo....

I had to keep Steven (new name- Silver Fox!) from getting in two fights. One, with the friend of the beotch from my softball team; and two, some fat redneck who was up in our faces for no apparent reason.

After the concert we went to the bars and I was happy and excited to see my friend Blondie and her Big Busted friend and some other peeps out! So we were just chilling with them having a good time. Spotted ex-friends JP and LK and completely ignored them cuz I wasnt in the mood to deal. Then, the softball BEOTCH had to ruin it all. She made eye contact with me (which I had been trying to avoid- damn it!) and made her come over into the quiet corner to talk to her. She got up on her uppity high horse and basically lextured me about my attitude on the field. Really who cares? That was over months ago but she just had to bring it up, make a big deal out of it just to proove what she believes to be right, and ruin my night. Looking back on it now I wish I had told her off, but like I said, I wasnt in the mood for confrontation so I just let it go.

But, being a senstive person, it did bother me. And Steven could see that I was upset so he (in a drunken haze) went and confronted her. He told her he had watched a few games and at least i tried hard, and he didnt see her try at all, and he told her that she should be supporting her teammate instead of discouraging her, etc etc etc. Go Steven! Way to defend me! He even said "dont talk to MY GIRL like that!" I was surprised and very glad to hear him refer to me in that way and to see the way he instantly got pissed when he found out someone was upsetting me. Maybe this is the way he shows he cares?! So because it really was sweet, I wasnt pissed that he tried to start a fight, in fact I wanted to punch that mouthy bitch myself!!! The scarey part was, he almost fought with an arm-wrestling champion, so even tho Steven is big I really didnt want o see him get his ass kicked and get 86'd out of another bar, so I stood in front of him and pushed him away and finally got him to leave out the back door...

So i thought the situation was difused but he went around to the front door and stood there eyeballing the guy getting him to come outside. Convinced...or cajoled...or physically forced him out of there. But then as we were getting our bikes some fat drunk redneck fucker came up and literally stood in our way mouthing off to Steven saying he was eyeballing him. We tried to explain that it wasnt him we were looking at, and he wasnt even involved in the situation, but he didnt listen. By this point I was pissed! I started yelling at the guy we are just trying to leave get out of our way and let us leave!!! He FINALLY backed off, altho i dont know if it was me yelling or Steven threatening to call the cops or both but finally we were on our bikes and out of there. Steven started dialing the cops from my phone but I took it away and hung it up- I knew it wouldnt do any good and I just didnt want to deal with anymore drama or these people- I just wanted out of there. The ride home felt very long thats for sure.

So of course the almost-fighting isnt good but it did show me that he cares and will be there in an instant to defend me- even if it means getting punched out by an arm wrestling champ!

Things have actually been going really good lately. The drama has settled significantly now that we've passed the critical 3-month mark (a first for me in a while!) and we've settled into a routine. Ive come to terms with the fact that i cant rush him into anything and I think now he feels more comfortable now that he doesnt feel pressured. This could drive me batty- I mean I do hate the "non-relationship" but for all intents and purposes we are BF/GF, he doesnt really say it in that direct way yet. But we act like it and everyone knows we are together. So, really Im okay with it, for now. My patience wont last forever but I am a very patient person. And, I can count on people (mainly Lisa) to point out the obvious to me to give him that little extra nudge he needs to realize how awesome I am and make this official....

Last week there was a Bday party out at their place but it was on a Thursday night (WTF?!) so I couldnt stay late. Apparently after I left, Lisa and another friend gave him a lecture about him not saying bye to me when I left and other things pertaining to how he treats me. Altho I am glad to have someone point out these things to him cuz I know hes oblivious sometimes, I dont think they should be so hard on him. hes a good guy with a good heart and I believe he does care about me, hes just young and doesnt have it all figured out yet.

Lisa told me that she told him that I care about him a lot and that he needs to recognize that. She told him that I am very patient with him and that I am waiting for him. He apparently said he cares about me too and thinks Im the coolest girl ever! I just think hes scared. Hes scared to take it to the next step. hes scared to make an official commitment. he scared to open up his heart again. I just wish he knew...I am one of the best people to open up to. If he gives me his heart I wont ever squash it...I need to figure out a way to proove that to him :)

Do two "half" boyfriends make a whole?

I was just looking back at some old posts and theres one from January about having two men in my life and neither one giving me everything I need but somehow the combo of the two making me fufilled in a warped way. And now, ironically enuf, I find myself months later in the same situation just with two different men. And maybe this is the main reason I am juggling them both- because neither one of them wants to step and make me their own- and I need that fufillment- I have them both to fill different needs. I need to have all of these things in one man but unfortunately right now I dont have that. So Steven gives me what Ryan cant right now. But is having Steven in the here-and-now going to affect the down-the-line with Ryan? Or am I still holding out false hope that Ryan and I will be together some day? Altho the feeling when I am with him is so right, and I know that slowly building our friendship is the best foundation for a real, lasting relationship, part of me is scared to stay in this place too long for fear of going to that friends place and never coming back from it. Maybe thats why I am still occasionally sleeping with him despite knowing that would kill Steven...cuz I want to keep the fires burning. But you know, I think its mostly just me giving into my desire and trying to find excuses to justify it. Ryan knows Im hot for him and maybe if we dont do it for a while, it will leave him wanting even more and itching that much harder to make me his own. I cant stop hanging out with him tho! I want him in my life. I need him in my life. I cant imagine him not being in my life. He fufills that emotional need for me. I feel like I can tell him anything and everything. I feel like he will always listen to my point of view. I feel like he truly cares about me as a person. So maybe I let him...and I let Steven fufill the physical need...and see how much longer I can go on having two half boyfriends!

R&R with both men

Ahhh, Labor Day weekend. A great opportunity for some R&R, and in my case, some R&R with my two men!

Friday night I left work early on the urging of a co-worker and started drinking early! Met up with the group of co-workers for the bday bash and Ryan and a few others came along. People dropped off during the night, and it ended up just being me, Cort and the 'Boji Boys'. It was so much fun! We drank sangria, danced, and took all kinds of silly pics! Cort spilled red wine on my pink sweater, so all 4 of us went into the bathroom together while they tried (in vain!) to blot it off! Cort and I tossled our hair before we walked out of there just to mess with people…that must have been a site! LOL!

I was way to wasted to drive so Ryan and I walked back to his car (what a hike! but we held hands the whole way, yeah!) Crashed at his place, tried messing around but we were both so drunk that it didn’t really happen until the next morning. And boy was it good! I love it from behind while laying on my side. And my pants werent even all the way off- just pulled down around my knees- so the tightness of my legs being close together and the restriction of the clothing just got me going! Then (in typical Ryan fashion) flipped me over to do me from behind and the feeling of his big cock with stong morning wood pounding me was too much! My upper body was laying flat but I arched my back to elevate my hips and ass and I knew he was getting off from the view and that angle was just right for his parts to rub on me in all the right places. I spread my legs a little and arched my back until it hurt and let him go to town and before I knew it- bam! I was practically screaming from pleasure and I came sooo hard! I don’t think Ive ever cum in doggystyle before so that was a totally awesome first!

(As an aside, I was thinking about this yesterday- but I think its true what they say about women's sex drive just increasing as they get older. Man I love it! I could have sex every day if I had a man that could keep up with me! maybe that’s why I need 2!)

Anyways so the next night I spent with my main man. He called me at 2am (can you say booty call?!) to come over to his place, which was a nice change. We had AMAZING HOT SWEATY sex on the chair, on the floor, everywhere! The feeling and smell of his body next to mine is unbelievable. I just look at him during the deed and think-"man how did I get this lucky?" He is sooo fucking sexy I cant get over it. I get turned on just being near him! I slept in his bed and stayed over til the afternoon. When I went home I could still smell him on my skin, and kept sniffing it cuz I like the smell so much! When a man's scent just jives well with mine, its more than I can handle! So it was a great time- good sex, got to sleep in his comfy bed, and got to just chill with him the next day. See now, is this not BF/GF behavior?!?

Sunday afternoon I got a text from Steven asking if I wanted to take a drive up the Mountain. WHAT?! So unlike him to actually invite me to do something. I said yes but he never did answer back. Weirdo. So, I was bored and called Ryan. (another advantage to having 2 boyfs!) Went up to his friends place up the road and chilled over there for a bit. Ryan had to go home cuz of his son, and we had plans for me to get booze and meet him over there. Then, right as I was getting ready to leave, Steven called me, so I had to ditch Ryan! I felt really bad, and I think he was kinda bummed/hurt cuz he kept bringing it up- but what can I do if the main man calls me?! If you want my full attention Ryan step up to the plate! It ended up being kind of lame tho, I wanted to get drunk but Steven ended up passing out all early.

Monday I had the day off (yeah for national holidays!) and I spent it with Ryan and his son. We went to the park and the store and then made dinner together. Man when we do that I just cant help but feel like a little family, and like that’s what its supposed to feel like. It feels so right! It feels right with I am with him, period. He's always been something special to me, and I think he feels it too. In fact I know he feels it!

I don't know how much longer this juggling can go on. I'm starting to feel guilty about lying to Steven. I mean, I never could do that before- look someone right in the eye and lie to them outright- but for some reason I can now. Am I colder? Smarter? Sneakier than I used to be? Do I somehow feel justified in what Im doing or am I just making excuses? Either way you would think that my close call the other week would have opened my eyes and made me change my behavior. But, really, nothing has changed except maybe me getting better at lying! I wish I could tell Steven that I am hanging out with Ryan, just be honest with him, but I think that would freak him out and lead to suspicions. And he should be suspicious because despite my best efforts I always seem to give into my cravings for Ryan!

But I know I cant do this much longer. As much as I love having both men in my life and don’t want to narrow it down to just one, Im going to have to. Its not fair to either one of them. I don’t want to get hurt and I don’t want to hurt either one of them. It would crush Steven's already-fragile trust in women if he found out. And I think its already starting to bug Ryan. But hey- if neither guy will step up to the plate and claim me for their own- then who says I cant juggle them both?!? I don’t know readers…what do you think???