Letter to Ryan

So I didnt hear from Ryan for a few days, thought it was kind of weird but didnt think too much about it since I'd been spending so much time with Main Man. Then after I came out of a movie on Saturday night I had a message from him saying "not trying to be a dick but we just need to be friends and thats it". Okay.....not sure what to think. So I didnt call him back right away. In fact the only thing Ive done was send a text saying "got your msg, talk later". But now that Ive had a chance to mill things over this is what I really want to say to him....

Ryan- stop fucking with my heart! You have taken me up and down this rollercoaster ride and I cant do it anymore. As much as I want us to be together I cant go around holding a torch for you anymore. I held a torch for you for so long and got so tired of being continuously shot down that I decided in order to keep my heart from breaking even more I had to move on. It was not an ultimatum. I wasnt asking you to step up or go away. I did it because I thought there was no chance of you ever liking me so I got on with my life. It was something I had to do for myself. I found a new guy and I decided to get with him initially because I saw it as a chance for me to rebound. A chance to get my mind off of you. A chance for me to realize that you arent the only man in the world. A distraction.

So things settled down as we went to being friends. And I just tried to get over you.

But then you threw things for a major loop that night when we had that talk in the car. When you confessed that your feelings for me had grown so much stronger lately. That night you listed off all the things you think a relationship should be and I was holding back tears of happiness because all those things are my list too and I NEVER thought I would hear you say that to me. Suddenly my dreams were coming true and all those feelings I had been pushing back for months came to the surface again. I thought, "finally, he is realizing what I have felt for a long time now, which is that we are so perfect for eachother and meant to be together". I thought, how could this really be happening? It was one of the most amazing nights of my life.

I woke up that morning in a daze. I was so happy at what had happened and I started thinking about how to break up with Steven since he was only a temporary distraction anyway. My mind started wandering to how awesome things could be and thinking that maybe, finally, I had found THAT person and the feeling was mutual! But also I was scared that it wasnt true and that I had drempt it all. I was scared that didnt mean what you had said. So, I had to make sure before I started making decisions. So, I asked you, and what you said sunk my stomach like a rock. You said, in so many words, that you still didnt want to be with me. :(

I didnt understand how you could sit there and say how much you love me as a person and how we connect so well and how we are perfect for eachother...but say you didnt want a relationship with me. So, I took your word for it that it was just bad timing with everything going on in your life. So what happened on the outside is nothing (you and I still friends and Steven and I still together), but on the inside...

All of my feelings about you that I had forced away had come back and I had to go thru the cycle of dealing again. Only this time it was harder because your feelings towards me were different. Instead of me having to deal with the fact that you didnt like me in that way, now I had to deal with the fact that you did like me but just didnt want to be with me. Can you understand how hard this was on me? So I guess even tho my true feelings were for you, I stayed with Steven because he gave me what I needed at the time. I couldnt have you as my companion so I went to him as a way to fill that void. What I dont think you understand is that he was not a threat to you. I got with him simply as a way to get over you. It wasnt an ultimatum. I dont think you realize that I would dump him in and instant if you said you loved me and wanted to be with me. If you arent ready, I would wait for you for as long as it took, if you just took me in your arms and asked me to.

Its always been you, Ryan. When I am with you everything just feels right. I have no doubts that our souls are somehow intertwined. The love I feel for you is more true and deep then I have ever felt for another person. Knowing you and caring about you has opened up a very hard cold shell I had built around myself. I let my guard down and let myself fall in love with you.

And as amazing as that is, I cant keep going on like this. I cant open myself up just to be heart broken time and time again. One week you like me and the next you dont. You tell me you love me in one breath and the next you tell me we just need to be friends. I cant keep doing this. It simply hurts too much. So, I need to know, once and for all, is there a chance for us to be together someday or am I living in dream land? If its the latter than you need to know that I have no choice but to put my feelings for you back into that box and lock them away. So, I just need you to tell me from the bottom of your heart how you truly feel. Dont let my current situation get in the way. Dont let the complications of your life get in the way. Just think about you and me and how you feel when we are together. Think about what you really want for yourself and what happiness means to you. If that not me, then set me free.