Fat Tuesday

Ok so last night was Mardi Gras Fat Tuesday. Ryan asked me to come with him to a "foam party". For the most part- the night was pretty awesome! Tons of people, the place was totally packed wall-to-wall it was almost overwhelming. A lot of people I knew were there and met some cool new people as well. The biggest bummer was that Ryan- dance machine- wouldnt dance with me! He claimed he didnt want to go out in the foam and get soaking wet- or that he was waiting for a drink- or whatever. Lamo! So I ended up dancing with other guys- I definately had the attention of at least 3 of them. One was Ryan's friend and the other was some young buck I started talking to cuz he had on a sweatshirt of my alma mater. I think I was definately the hottest thing they had a look at it a while! So it was nice to get some male attention.

The best part of the night- hot green shirt guy! He was hands down the hottest guy in the bar- and after he came to hit on ME- I gave him my best beads as acknowledgement of being the hottest guy in the bar- but not before he showed me his beefcake chest! He took my single strand of beads and turned it into about half dozen or more of these really cool strands- and I ended up getting one back from him at the end of the night- claiming I was stealing it as a reminder of him. But I earned it! I showed him my shit and rubbed it up on him, while standing right behind Ryan! But, alas, I don't it made him jealous, I don't think any of what I did made him jealous, damnit! Even after green shirt guy and I got down on the dancefloor! Holy hell that was a lot of fun- he was definately the hottest guy and was talking to and dancing with ME! we were getting dirty I was lovin it and Ryan was watching the whole time. He even told me later that my dancing in the wetness was hot- and that I looked cute all wet! When we were leaving, Hot Guy was grabbing my ass and sticking his hand down my pants and talking dirty, like "girl what I could do to you, I would ravage you all night long"...let me tell you FUCK it was really hard not to go home with the guy. Hands down if Ryan hadnt been there (even tho we are just friends), I would have done it in a heartbeat. Its been a while (since Sean) that I had a really good screwing from a guy who knows what hes doing!!!

So the dance party was fun. The rest of the night...err not so much. After I pulled up to Ryan's I expected him to ask me to come up- and he kinda did- but only half assed after we started talking. He asked if I wanted to come sleep in his bed with him- and I said yes I do, but onloy if you have something for me to wear since Im soaking wet. He just paused, and then said, goodnight Sara. Hmm okay. He tried to hug and kiss and touch me but I pulled away. He probably thinks I'm a cold bitch but its just too hard for me to do intimate things with him when I know he doesnt want to take it any farther. Our talk was really weird, I told him I am in a tough position and I dont know how to deal with it. I told him I didnt feel like he was being honest with me. He said I am being honest, about the place I am in right now, Im just trying to be a father and be selfish and single and get my shit together and really can't handle and don't want a girlfriend right now. I said I know you are being honest about that, and started to say more, but stopped myself. This is what I wanted to say:

I know you are being honest with me about your situation but I don't think you are being dishonest in that you are making it seem like thats the reason you dont want to be with me. I think even if you wanted a girlfriend it wouldnt be me, and I think if you met Miss Right you would want to be with her no matter what situation you were in.

I am pretty sure I am right about this but not sure if I really want to point it out to him in that way...not sure if I am ready for him to confirm that he and I will never be. Is it better to hold onto a small shred of hope or to let it all go now so I can get over and just be his friend???
Also....Jake is back, I'm going on a blind date Saturday, and guy-at-work is kinda cute...more to follow.

The ex is getting married...

...need I say more??

This only adds to the pile of crap Ive been experience and feeling lately. This is going to make it even harder to get out of this depression...

Hot Stuff

God damn that boy is hot stuff! I cant stop thinking about it! I think I am going to go crazy if I cant have him! I have thought that about him since I first laid eyes on him! He has everything I like...tall...blonde...beautiful sparkling blue eyes...nice smile...good sturdy but lean frame...GODAMNIT!!! The other day when I was helping him move I was watching him and his pal move a couch...god damn thought I was gonna cum right there! The way his jeans just hang so well on those long legs, and when he wears his work boots they make him look so manly. Hot stuff! The perfect mix between rugged and sophisticated. Plus great personality! Oh this is going to be hard!

FRIENDS

Its been a while since my last post- several developments since then. My valentines weekend was pretty up and down. Saturday I was so depressed and lonely and about to write Ryan off. Sunday hung with him and helped him move stuff into his new place but it was weird because I couldn’t stop thinking about what it is about me that he doesn’t like and that its awkward that I like him but he doesn’t like me back. Friday night was okay, went to visit an old friend and her kids in their newly-aquired house. We had a good girl talk and caught up on recent live stuff. We talked about my career, and my men, and she is trying to set me up on blind dates with 2 different men. God I feel pathetic being set up! But the night was still pretty fun despite her and I talking about all the things that have been bringing me down lately.

So I don't think Ryan and I are going to be kissing friends. I think we are going to be friends only. Just friends. No hanky panky. He was into me at first, and wanted all of that from me, but something suddenly changed and now I get the sense from him he wants to avoid that at all costs. He says he likes my personality and enjoys my company but stresses not wanting a girlfriend right now and "wanting to date other people". I still don't know if he means people other than me or in addition to me- but his attitude indicates the former, unfortunately. Its going to be difficult for me to be just friends with this guy, 1 cuz he is really someone I can see myself with long term, I believe are compatible, 2 because I fear even when he does become ready for a relationship he will have put me into that friends category that you cant go back from, 3 because I am extremely attracted to him, and 4 because knowing he is with other girls will only remind me of how pathetically single I am and how he doesn’t want me in that way. This is going to be REALLY hard on me but I enjoy his friendship enough that the pain might be worth it…maybe IDK!...I could see myself ending up really hurt :(

Kissing friends???

Despite how much I like him and happy I feel when I am actually around him, it seems the majority of my posts (and worries!) have to do with Ryan. I get so anxious about how he feels about me, because a) of course I like him ALOT, and b) because I, being a Taurus, functions much better with expecations, definitions, and consistency. I like to know whats going to happen tomorrow and where I stand with someone and where my life is going.

But, I havent served myself well very in that respect. Ryan I and were talking about this during a deep convseration we were having Sat. night in the car at the top of the hill. I was talking about recent work developments and them getting me down and making we worry and wonder about my future. He commented, "one day at a time", which is so true..because living day by day, moment to moment is what comes naturally to me and what I have always done. Thinking in the big-picture respect has always overwhelmed me- maybe why I have such difficulty with decision making?... Living day to day and not concentrating on making long term goals happen hasnt really gotten my anywhere...its gotten me some fun some sorrows and a lot of heartache, but not to anywhere I thought I would be by this point in my life. I expect more out of myself then mediocracy and apathy!!

Anyways so back to my "non-tionship" with Ryan...its been up and down thats for sure. I view him as such a great catch!-attractive, funny, smart, fun to be around, active, easy going, good natured, similar interests, got that "star" quality that draws you to a person...but I'm starting to sense his "cusp-ness" and his influence coming out. And I must say its not a pretty picture! He was very firm with me on the phone tonight, almost mean, and he seems somewhat unpredicable, flaky, and hot-headed. Could be the Lion rearing its head, could be the difficult time in his life brining out the worst in him, but obviously that is part of his personality at least to some extent. I guess they say T is good for C because we are grounded enough to deal with C's little freak outs.

Anyways after my last post, I had a really crappy day at work and it really upset me and changes this for me as far as my short and long-term plans. It rocked me pretty hard, and the first person I wanted to run to was Ryan. But he ended up ditching me for his friends, claiming he got sick of waiting for me to finish up after-work drinks/bitch session with co-workers. He said he would call me in one hour....never did...finally apologized the next day but only after I practically made him because it was what I needed to hear him say, even if it was a lie. So, after that he invited me over, we started drinking at 3pm!, invited over our friend and spent the entire night at the bars. He was grabbing me, kissing all over me, calling me baby, etc...totally acting like he wanted me. Then (after the customary Ryan midnight snacking), we had our conversation about his ex-GF, their kid, his life, his job, my friend who passed away a couple years ago, my work crap, my life, etc etc. Thought everything was going great, looking forward to a little drunk nookie!...then on the way home- 2 secs after trying to make out with me- accounced he doesnt want to have sex. Hmmm...okay?!?...so we slept in the same bed and he didnt touch me once...fell asleep in my arms though, which was kinda sweet :) he bailed the next morning and didnt call me back the nexy day or for 2 days following...I was--am--freaking out. I hate being left in the dark! I hate not knowing. I hate going over and over in my head what they must be thinking, why they arent talking to me, etc. I hate it because my mind will always go to the worst scenerio- which sometimes turns out to be true- but sometimes it doesnt and I hate freaking out over nothing.

This is obviously not the first time he has make me freak out. Is it because I like him so much? Is it because I am getting mixed signals and things arent defined clearly? Is it because I was trying so hard not to "ruin" this one that I ended up screwing it up after all? Am I just being a stupid paranoid girl? I dont think so...I am getting vibes off him...he's just not that into me. Either that, or he really doesnt want a relationship but also doesnt know how to be just FwB with me. I just cant help but think that if he were that into me, he would want to be having sex no matter what. But maybe this is a good thing, because as much as I want him, Im not sure I can do the FwB thing with him because usually that means no future, it will just be a fling, and the guy ends up seeing you only in that way. But I also dont want him to see me as friends-place only! I want him to want me and be crazy about me in addition to loving my personality.

Is it possible that we will be friends now but he will come around later on and decide hes crazy about me and Im the girl for him???

Anyways I finally did talk to him a short time ago and he just re-iterated the friends thing but I didnt have the courage to ask him what that means-if he wants to have sex or not. While I want to keep doing it, I dont if its going to be weird between us or change things for me or him. So I just dont know. While I do want to just come out and get him to set limits on what he means by friends- and stick to them- I think whats best here is to just ride it out, see what happens, let him call the shots and do what he feels comfortable doing. I just have to figure out a way to do that while not letting myself get stomped all over...he needs to know how I feel...cant let him ignore my feelings but also dont want to scare away someone I really really dig on.

Does junior high ever end?

WTF is going on? I despise the junior high games. I hate this up and down! I hate trying to guess what the other person is thinking or feeling. I hate not knowing if they like you or they are about to ditch out on you. Where is still coming from you might ask?....

I hung out with Ryan the other night and I thought we were all cool. But now he's acting kinda weird again. The other night he had this great spontaneous idea to drive to the next town for the night, see his sister, have some dinner, etc. He was all gung-ho about it. Then the next day he totally changed his mind and bailed on the idea. Then, we were in the middle of a phone conversation, suddenly said he would call me back, never did, so I called him and he was sleeping, said he would call me when he woke up but never did. Didn't get ahold of me all day, I finally got ahold of him and asked if he wanted to hang out tonight, he basically blew me off and thought of excuses not to see me. This is all on the tails of him telling me he actually had a good conversation with his baby-momma (whom he is not over BTW), and that they are starting to work things out. Does he mean work things out between them or work out baby arrangements? So I am scared that he will go back to her. I am scared that he still loves her and wants to be with her. I am scared, same way I am with Travis, that I will never live up to the woman who is the children's mother. I am scared he only likes me enough to be with me right now but isnt really that into me. he says he is, he says he really likes my personality alot and that I am funny and cute, but then sometimes he does weird stuff to make me second guess his word. Do actions speak louder than words? or am I reading too much into his actions? I am just so paranoid he will leave me like all the rest and I know that will hurt big time because I really like this one. I can't help but feel sometimes like there is something wrong with me, none of them like me enough to stick around or to want to actually be with me. I am so sick of hearing, "you are so awesome, and I don't want to hurt you, but....". Its like a knife in the heart. I don't think Ryan likes it when girls wont open up to him, he says his ex never did, but what he doesnt understand is that its so difficult to open yourself up again when you've had your heart stomped on so many imes, its so much easier to just be closed off and cold to avoid the pain that comes from someone you have opened up to rejecting you. So maybe I am worrying too much about this but I find it hard not to when I like someone. Its like I told Sean, you cant have both sides of me. You either get the closed-off cold me that is protecting herself from heartache, or you get the real me but you have to let me know that I can trust you with my heart first. And I'm not going to let someone have my heart who isn't ready for it because they arent ready for a relationship.

Hey boys- you cant have your cake and eat it too!!!

Latest developments

So Ryan called me last night. Honestly I was not expecting him to call for at least a couple days. We talked and he said he was sorry he hurt my feelings but my reaction did freak him out a little bit. I apologized but also let him know I am not going to let anyone ingnore my feelings and I feel like you shouldn’t flake out on other people, even just a friend. I hope this doesn’t change his opinion of me but I'm sure it does. He probably doesn't think I am as laid back and is probably thinking I'm just as batty as the rest of the females in the world. I am having a struggle with this whole situation. I really want to be there for him because I know he is going through a rough time, but I just don’t want it to be at my expense. I don't want him to get so wrapped up in his own crap that he won't realize how great it is that I am there for him. But I think he already realizes that, he did point it out to me, although it was during his blackout 4am teary-eyed drunk dial! My sister thinks I should back off and let him get through his crap first and then let him come to me, and she might be right, but I just can't do that. I care for him and want to be there for him because its what I do. Although, I have been talking about needing to break my old habits and patterns…but maybe I should take it slow, baby steps girl, you aren't going to change your ingrained nature overnight. I am just so scared that Ryan will turn out like all the rest, which is that I will heal him and then he will dissapear. I really can see this guy being someone I could be with for the long haul, but how do I rate with him? Am I disposable?

Am I ready for this again?

Ok so I've been thinking…errr… steaming about this all day. I am gradually starting to see it from his point of view. Its possible that from his point of view I have no right to get pissy about him ditching out on our plans because he doesn’t have any comittment to me yet. From my point of view, my feelings were still hurt and I don’t think people should flake out on other people, even if they are only friends or have a yet-to-be-defined relationship. But from his point of view, I could possibly be acting like a psycho stalker. The fact that he is a good guy but hasn’t yet apologized and is in fact now ingoring me says that he doesn’t think he did anything wrong and shouldn’t have to apologize. That is one nice thing about having a defined relationship is that you have valid reasons for getting pissed off when your mate ditches you, but in something so new and so undefined, it leaves a lot of grey area for somone to get hurt. I just don't know if I should let it go for fear of seeming psycho if I bring it up again, or do I follow my own advise and let him know I am hurt? I think I should let this particular one slide but I do think that he and I need to sit down and define some ground rules before someone gets hurt. That is the tricky thing about "non relationships" is you might think you are avoiding the "talk" but really you still need to have it to avoid misunderstandings. I also need to do some thinking myself, I have to figure out if I am ready to be another rebound girl, if I am ready to handle another "broken" guy, if I am ready to set my feelings aside to help someone else, if I am ready to get hurt again…

Not so super SuperBowl Sunday

In my last post I mentioned how Ryan dropped the friend bomb on me. I figured he did that because he just not ready for a relationship right now and that was his way of telling me that. I thought he still wanted to sleep with me tho- I didnt think he meant literally friends and friends only.

We slept together a few times but then it seems like it just stopped. He hasnt seemed at all interested lately. I don't know what it is. Maybe he isn't attracted to me. Maybe he was but he lost interest. Maybe he doesn't understand the concept of friends with benefits. Maybe he thinks if he sleeps with me I will get attached and he doesnt want to hurt my feelings. Or maybe he thinks he will get attached. I just don't know and when I ask him about it, he either says he doesnt want to talk about it, or "Im just moving really slow right now", which I get, but does that mean you dont want to sleep with me or what??!!

I didnt get to see him all weekend because he was visiting a friend in the next town. So he said he wanted me to come over for SuperBowl and then afterwards he would come stay the night with me. He even seemed really stoked about it! Talking about how we were going to get freaky, how he was in a frisky mood, etc. I was really looking forward to it because it would reassue my worries about his attraction to me. But was it all a guise to get me off the subject? Because he totally blew me off. He cared more about his damn drink then he did about following through with his promise to me. It was even his idea! But he totally re-nigged, I got tired of waiting for him so I said I was going home and he said he was staying there. He acted like he couldnt have cared less. He didnt even walk me out or say bye or anything. He knew it upset me but he didnt care and didnt call me later and hasnt apologized or anything yet. Here is what I really want to say to him....

"Last night really hurt my feelings. I was really looking forward to spending the night with you, especially since I've been worried lately that you arent attracted to me in that way. It was important to me and I felt very let down. But the way you were acting last night, it really made me realize something. It made me realize that because of the place you are in right now, you arent capable of giving a shit about anyone else's feeling except your own. I want to be there for you during this rough time in your life, but I am not going to do it at my own expense. Too many times in my life I have sacrified my own feelings for someone else's and let people walk all over me and I end up nowhere except hurt and alone. I made a promise to myself to value myself enough to not let that happen yet again. I am not blaming you at all, I completely understand the place you are in right now. I just really need to think twice about hanging out with you, even if just as friends, if its going to end up detrimental for me. I really like you but if you arent capable of liking me back, I need to get out now."

I did made a resolution to myself to be true to myself and not let my relationships get me down. So, I am going to try very hard today to not let this bring me down, but it will be a struggle. The more I like them, the harder I fall, and the more it hurts after they are gone :(