Kissing friends???

Despite how much I like him and happy I feel when I am actually around him, it seems the majority of my posts (and worries!) have to do with Ryan. I get so anxious about how he feels about me, because a) of course I like him ALOT, and b) because I, being a Taurus, functions much better with expecations, definitions, and consistency. I like to know whats going to happen tomorrow and where I stand with someone and where my life is going.

But, I havent served myself well very in that respect. Ryan I and were talking about this during a deep convseration we were having Sat. night in the car at the top of the hill. I was talking about recent work developments and them getting me down and making we worry and wonder about my future. He commented, "one day at a time", which is so true..because living day by day, moment to moment is what comes naturally to me and what I have always done. Thinking in the big-picture respect has always overwhelmed me- maybe why I have such difficulty with decision making?... Living day to day and not concentrating on making long term goals happen hasnt really gotten my anywhere...its gotten me some fun some sorrows and a lot of heartache, but not to anywhere I thought I would be by this point in my life. I expect more out of myself then mediocracy and apathy!!

Anyways so back to my "non-tionship" with Ryan...its been up and down thats for sure. I view him as such a great catch!-attractive, funny, smart, fun to be around, active, easy going, good natured, similar interests, got that "star" quality that draws you to a person...but I'm starting to sense his "cusp-ness" and his influence coming out. And I must say its not a pretty picture! He was very firm with me on the phone tonight, almost mean, and he seems somewhat unpredicable, flaky, and hot-headed. Could be the Lion rearing its head, could be the difficult time in his life brining out the worst in him, but obviously that is part of his personality at least to some extent. I guess they say T is good for C because we are grounded enough to deal with C's little freak outs.

Anyways after my last post, I had a really crappy day at work and it really upset me and changes this for me as far as my short and long-term plans. It rocked me pretty hard, and the first person I wanted to run to was Ryan. But he ended up ditching me for his friends, claiming he got sick of waiting for me to finish up after-work drinks/bitch session with co-workers. He said he would call me in one hour....never did...finally apologized the next day but only after I practically made him because it was what I needed to hear him say, even if it was a lie. So, after that he invited me over, we started drinking at 3pm!, invited over our friend and spent the entire night at the bars. He was grabbing me, kissing all over me, calling me baby, etc...totally acting like he wanted me. Then (after the customary Ryan midnight snacking), we had our conversation about his ex-GF, their kid, his life, his job, my friend who passed away a couple years ago, my work crap, my life, etc etc. Thought everything was going great, looking forward to a little drunk nookie!...then on the way home- 2 secs after trying to make out with me- accounced he doesnt want to have sex. Hmmm...okay?!?...so we slept in the same bed and he didnt touch me once...fell asleep in my arms though, which was kinda sweet :) he bailed the next morning and didnt call me back the nexy day or for 2 days following...I was--am--freaking out. I hate being left in the dark! I hate not knowing. I hate going over and over in my head what they must be thinking, why they arent talking to me, etc. I hate it because my mind will always go to the worst scenerio- which sometimes turns out to be true- but sometimes it doesnt and I hate freaking out over nothing.

This is obviously not the first time he has make me freak out. Is it because I like him so much? Is it because I am getting mixed signals and things arent defined clearly? Is it because I was trying so hard not to "ruin" this one that I ended up screwing it up after all? Am I just being a stupid paranoid girl? I dont think so...I am getting vibes off him...he's just not that into me. Either that, or he really doesnt want a relationship but also doesnt know how to be just FwB with me. I just cant help but think that if he were that into me, he would want to be having sex no matter what. But maybe this is a good thing, because as much as I want him, Im not sure I can do the FwB thing with him because usually that means no future, it will just be a fling, and the guy ends up seeing you only in that way. But I also dont want him to see me as friends-place only! I want him to want me and be crazy about me in addition to loving my personality.

Is it possible that we will be friends now but he will come around later on and decide hes crazy about me and Im the girl for him???

Anyways I finally did talk to him a short time ago and he just re-iterated the friends thing but I didnt have the courage to ask him what that means-if he wants to have sex or not. While I want to keep doing it, I dont if its going to be weird between us or change things for me or him. So I just dont know. While I do want to just come out and get him to set limits on what he means by friends- and stick to them- I think whats best here is to just ride it out, see what happens, let him call the shots and do what he feels comfortable doing. I just have to figure out a way to do that while not letting myself get stomped all over...he needs to know how I feel...cant let him ignore my feelings but also dont want to scare away someone I really really dig on.