Not so super SuperBowl Sunday

In my last post I mentioned how Ryan dropped the friend bomb on me. I figured he did that because he just not ready for a relationship right now and that was his way of telling me that. I thought he still wanted to sleep with me tho- I didnt think he meant literally friends and friends only.

We slept together a few times but then it seems like it just stopped. He hasnt seemed at all interested lately. I don't know what it is. Maybe he isn't attracted to me. Maybe he was but he lost interest. Maybe he doesn't understand the concept of friends with benefits. Maybe he thinks if he sleeps with me I will get attached and he doesnt want to hurt my feelings. Or maybe he thinks he will get attached. I just don't know and when I ask him about it, he either says he doesnt want to talk about it, or "Im just moving really slow right now", which I get, but does that mean you dont want to sleep with me or what??!!

I didnt get to see him all weekend because he was visiting a friend in the next town. So he said he wanted me to come over for SuperBowl and then afterwards he would come stay the night with me. He even seemed really stoked about it! Talking about how we were going to get freaky, how he was in a frisky mood, etc. I was really looking forward to it because it would reassue my worries about his attraction to me. But was it all a guise to get me off the subject? Because he totally blew me off. He cared more about his damn drink then he did about following through with his promise to me. It was even his idea! But he totally re-nigged, I got tired of waiting for him so I said I was going home and he said he was staying there. He acted like he couldnt have cared less. He didnt even walk me out or say bye or anything. He knew it upset me but he didnt care and didnt call me later and hasnt apologized or anything yet. Here is what I really want to say to him....

"Last night really hurt my feelings. I was really looking forward to spending the night with you, especially since I've been worried lately that you arent attracted to me in that way. It was important to me and I felt very let down. But the way you were acting last night, it really made me realize something. It made me realize that because of the place you are in right now, you arent capable of giving a shit about anyone else's feeling except your own. I want to be there for you during this rough time in your life, but I am not going to do it at my own expense. Too many times in my life I have sacrified my own feelings for someone else's and let people walk all over me and I end up nowhere except hurt and alone. I made a promise to myself to value myself enough to not let that happen yet again. I am not blaming you at all, I completely understand the place you are in right now. I just really need to think twice about hanging out with you, even if just as friends, if its going to end up detrimental for me. I really like you but if you arent capable of liking me back, I need to get out now."

I did made a resolution to myself to be true to myself and not let my relationships get me down. So, I am going to try very hard today to not let this bring me down, but it will be a struggle. The more I like them, the harder I fall, and the more it hurts after they are gone :(