Do two "half" boyfriends make a whole?

So yesterday's day of clarity and reflection has opened my eyes to a lot of things. I don't what it is! Is it just in the air right now? Is it the impending new year giving me insight I never had before? Is my horoscope true and its really just in the stars for me right now? Or has writing this blog helped me sort out my feelings?...

Sean said something jokingly to me the other day and I now realize its actually a great metaphor for whats going on in my life right now. He was talking about him being kinda my boyfriend and then said, what about Travis, he is kinda your boyfriend too. And I said, hmm, you're right, do two "halfass" boyfriends make one whole one??

It's kinda funny if you think about it but really it goes deeper than that. A little Psych 101 for ya...I think the reason I got into the relationship with Sean is because of what I am lacking in my relationship with Travis. Because he is married, we can't have a physical relationship and we can't hang out like normal couples do. But we do have the emotional part- we are great friends, get along very well, and share things all the time that we don't share with anyone else. Our relationship is very emotional and very intimate- just not in the physical sense. So of course this leaves me feeling incomplete, so I guess I went searching for something to fill that void. And I found it in Sean- or well, he found me :). His is also intensely perceptive, so maybe he picked up on that, that I needed from him the same thing he needed from me, which is the physical. Someone who can be physically with you to try and fill that emotional void. Someone who we can hang out with, have fun together, and be intimate with. He isn't ready for anything beyond that but to at least stave off the lonliness he needs me there. And he is serving the same purpose for me- giving me what Travis can't.

So if you put two and two together- one relationship emotional and one relationship physical- I guess in a fucked up segmented way I am getting all my needs fufilled- it just happens to be my two different men. But really, its not all my needs- in order to feel completely fufilled I need to be in one relationship with one person who can give me everything. I guess have to decide, if having this for now is working for me, and if so, is having two half boyfriends preventing me from finding one whole? Or am I simply too much woman for one man to handle?! LOL :)...

Day of mental clarity

So my horoscope yesterday stated that I would experience less "interference" than usual. When I intially read this I assumed it somehow relate to work, but I now realize that it meant I would experience less mental and emotional interference which would allowed me to think clearly and objectively and I was able to reflect on some of my current situations.

After writing about Sean yesterday, I came to realize a lot about the situation we are in and why he feels the way he does and how what he thinks about me is affecting things. I realized that he has the wrong view of me in some instances, but that I cannot abruptly or verbally point this out to him because I don't think he will be receptive. Plus he may feel I am pushing the GF issue and I believe doing that will cause this whole thing to come crumbling down. The last thing he needs is for to back him into a corner- that will just make him run away that much faster. I think what I need to do here is either get out now, or do what comes naturally to me, which is stay and help him. I think maybe we are destined to be in eachothers lives, but only because maybe I am supposed to help him. Im starting to get the feeling that I was put on this earth to help and counsel these men through hard times, build them up again, make them realize they deserve love and happiness. And if thats my destiny, then Im okay with it, I just hope someday I get my happiness too :)

I think what I am going to do is patiently and subtly show him that I do care about him, and that he can find love again, he just needs to open himself up to it. And maybe in the meantime I will reveal more things about myself that may make him realize that we could be good together. And if he never realizes that or it doesnt work out romantically between us, than at least I have done my duty by showing him the light and helping "heal" his heart. I guess this relates back to post #1, where I explain how I sometimes sacrifice my own happiness in order to help others.

Yesterday being such an introspective day, I also thought a lot about my situation with Travis. At the end of the work day after everyone was gone from my office, he came up to visit me and started rubbing my shoulders. Later that night he told me he got an intense vibe off of me when he was doing that. Man I hate his perception sometimes! What I was feeling during that moment was part elation- it felt so good and so right to have him touching me like that- but on the other hand, I felt very sad and discouraged too. I think the hope and the fantasy is wearing away,and I am starting to realize that he is never going to leave his wife and we are never going to be together. Even though that would be extremly dissappointing, I think I could live with us not being together if I could force my love feelings for him to go away. But he is one of my best friends, and I don't want to loose that. I'm so afraid that the only way to force my feelings to go away is to stop seeing him altogether- even if it means working somewhere else. I don't know what to do-I have to decide what is harder- being only friends but going crazy because I am in love with him? Or not being anything at all.

I can sense he is starting to feel guilty about hurting me, hurting his wife, and fucking everything up. He feels so badly for getting us into this position int he first place. But I told him, please don't feel bad, it wasn't intentional, we have very strong feelings for eachother and that is difficult- if not impossible- to ignore. If you ask me he's being pretty good, I mean we haven't physically done anything. But I guess some people would day we are having an "emotional" affair. We both know what needs to be done. Knowing the right thing is not the hard part. Doing the right thing is the hard part. Also very very hard when my brain and my heart have different ideas of the "right thing".

I have so many mixed feelings about this. I want to be so angry at him! I want to say, if your feeling for me are so undeniable, why won't you make it so we can be together?! He acts like he has no control over his marriage, his life, his future. he continues he doesn't know what is going on in his marriage. How come he doesn't realize he has 100% control? If you dont want to be married- file for a divorce- she doesn;t have a choice in the matter! He is also worried about the kids, which I understand, but what he is doing is sacrificing his entire life of happiness for the sake of other people. He thinks this is the noble thing to do but doesn't realize that by staying in the marriage he is not saving anyone's feelings- he and his wife will both be unhappy and the kids will pick up on that and they will be unhappy too. And of course I will be unhappy. I just want to strangle him sometimes!!! I want to help him see the light, just like I want to do with Sean, but not if he isnt ready to face it....

Am I the rebound girl???

So I thought that by being in the "non-relationship" situation I am with Sean, that we were avoiding drama and games. Well maybe not! I'm starting to feel like a non-relationship is more work than a real one, because I'm constantly worried about what I can and cannot and whether or not its going to freak him out. After my last post about him I didn't hear from him for over a week. Super frustrating since after the last time we were together things got weird and I had a lot of unfinished business I needed to get off my chest. Finally, in a weak moment of frustration from being at the end of my rope, I stopped by his place. He completely blew me off and the vibe was super weird so I bailed after about 2 minutes of being there.

After days of worried thoughts running through my end, I finally decided to forget about him and not try and contact him again. Then, out of blue, he calls. Tell me, why is it that as soon as you write a guy off- he fucking calls!?! What I suspected is true, that he just needed some space and time to think. Apparently his roomie (who is super hot and sweet BTW) and GF had been having problems due to lack of communication/setting ground rules, so i think that started to freak him out, not wanting it to carry over in our situation. I am very glad he called, I honestly didnt think he was the type of guy to bail by way of ignoring me, so he did redeem himself a bit. We talked for over an hour, and worked out the ground rules for our situation, at least on the surface anyway....

Basically what it boils down to is what I have known all along- that he doesn't want a GF right now. he just doesnt have the energy to put in. he says he only has "one left"- meaning one shot left in in him to try for love and he wants it to be perfect. Its a bit of an ego shot for me, him saying I am not that girl, but then in the very next breath he says he loves me a person and goes off about how much he likes my company blah blah blah. He says we just arent compatible- we are too different. But what he doesnt realize- and what is difficult to explain to someone too self absorbed to stop talking about their own shit for 5 minutes- is that we are very alike. When he talks about how he wants someone who can help him, someone who is comfortable bringing down those walls with, and someone who he can help in return, I understand exactly what he means. When he talks about his pain, its like he is speaking from inside of me. I think we would be so great together. I think he needs to be more open-minded about what kind of person is right for him. He seems very set in knowing what kind of girl he wants, yet also says that everyone in his life like that has turned their back on him when he needed it most. I think for his sake, he needs to open up to new and different things because he will not find true love looking in the same places where he never found it before. While I certainly dont want to have to convince somebody to be with me, I do think I could be everything he wants and needs. I mean, we want the same things! Mainly, we are both dying to have a family before we get too old. And he loves animals too- I can picture us with a gaggle of kids and pets running around. A simple, normal life, but a happy one. He even said to be once- if we had met 10 years ago, we would be married with 4 kids. Now what am I supposed to take out of that??!

One thing that is very frustrating for me is a catch-22. He says he needs someone damaged, wounded, in need of help and to be able to help eachother and grow together. he thinks I am not like that and cites that a reason for us being uncompatible. But what he doesn't understand, and what I havent explained to him yet because I dont want him to think I am pressing the GF/BF issue, is that I am like that. I have always been a very strong person and I don't share my feelings, I guess I view it as weakness, and I have always felt compelled to be the strong one for my friends and loved ones. Because of that and because of the pain endured from having my fragile heart stomped on, I have trained myself over the years to remain closed-off and not share myself with others. I only open up and share that wounded part of myself with someone I feel comfortable with and I can trust with my heart :). Since he wants nothing to do with my heart, and he because he is convinced we shouldnt be together, I am not going to share that with him. Thats the only way I have to protect myself from getting hurt more that I already am. I wish I could explain this to him, but I don't think I can right now.

But this is so completely one-sided because I have to listen to all his crap but he isnt interested in mine. And I won't share with him anyway- not until he wants to hear it- and until I can trust him with my heart. Its very hard for me to open up like that, so I am not going to do it unless the risk is worth the reward.

Even if its not with him, I am looking for a relationship like he describes. I want someone I feel completely comfortable with... someone who wants to know me and wants to know those darker sides of me...someone who honestly and truly cares about me and someone who is crazy about me too! Someone who shares with me also, and we support eachother and grow together. I just don't think thats Sean. It definately could be, but not until he gets rid of his own hangups and finds out for himself what he wants. I don't think he realizes any of this, and I think he needs someone like me to tell him all of that! But he won't hear it from me, because hes convinced himself I am not right for him and that he isnt ready to open up like that. And I do understand and respect how he feels right now, I just know that if he doesn't try again and put himself out there again- he will never find what he is looking for.

So, I have to ask myself, how much longer do I want to stay in this un-relationship, knowing everything I know and feeling everything I feel, and not being able to go there with him because he isnt ready to face it. Its a very frustrating situation cuz while we would be great together, if he doesnt want it then I can't force anything. I think I am his rebound girl...CRAP! I just realized that...hmmm...if thats true, and this rebound situation is true to form...this won't go anywhere. However, I do believe that things happen for a reason, and this life isn't competely random, so that there is a reason I am in his life. Its possible that I am here to make him realize what he needs to move on and find love again, to help him through this rough part in his life, to be the support system he needs right now. Maybe I am supposed to do for him what I have done for many other men- to counsel them but for it not to be a reciprocal relationship. I am certainly willing to do it if thats whats meant to be- I just have to realize I may end up hurt.

Travis

Travis is “my married guy”. That about sums it up. He’s someone who I shouldn’t even have anything to do with but its impossible for us to stay away from one another! We work at the same place, and have become friends over the last 2 years. In the last 6-8 months we have grown extremely close as I have helped him get through a lot of issues in his life, mainly his failing marriage. I listen to him and counsel him much the same way I do with the other men in my life. But our relationship is much more two-sided, as in I actually get something back from this guy whereas the rest are all “takers”. I could honestly say he is one of my best friends in the world. We share a lot of, and he is one of the only people I am comfortable sharing with. I tell Travis things I wouldn’t dare tell anyone else! I feel very comfortable with him, we get along really well, we have a ton in common, and we are crazy about eachother! If he weren’t already somebody else’s husband, I would think we were destined to be together. He’s perfect for me. Super-smart, practically genius in fact, which is one of the number one qualities I look for in a mate. We can have intelligent conversations and we can be big dorks together. I love how passionate he is about everything, and how goal-oriented and ambitious he is. He likes the same things I do- science, the outdoors, and music, to name a few. And on top of all of that I am extremely attracted to him- like I just want to jump bones everytime I see him! His body is sexy but I am attracted to his mind even more- and he has said the same thing about me. But alas, he is married, although very unhappily and on the verge of separation. Sometimes I feel the world is against me…

Frustrations with boy toy

Arrggghhh!!! Sean is starting to piss me off. This weekend he was being his usual self- a walking contradiction- but this time some of his crap was directed towards me and our "relationship". I was fine with it at the time but now that Ive been stewing on it for a few days Im about to get pissed! (unlike me). The thing is, he is confusing me by sending mixed signals. On one hand he says he doesnt want a GF but then will turn around and whine about how much he wants to find love again and have kids and all that. And he will tell me how awesome I am and if he were looking for a GF, I would have everything he wants, and then turn around and give me a million reasons why we could never be a couple.

But what he is basing these reasons on, is a load of bull because he doesnt know me at all! He judges me but doesnt know shit about me and doesnt care to know! He admits he doesnt want to know because it will get us deeper into possibly falling for one another and he doesnt have anything to "give" a GF right now, since his ex of 9+ years pretty much sapped all his emotional/romantic energy and will. Anyways thats fine expect I have to listen to his crap all the time! I listen, patiently, to him drone on for hours about his life, but he doesnt listen to me or ask me any questions at all. So if you arent interested in getting to know me, dont freakin try and judge me! For example, he expresses his dissatisfaction with me because he thinks Im apathetic and too nice and not independant. Well, he obviously doesnt know me, Im a Taurus- Im stubborn and opinionated as shit! Im just easy going and go with the flow and dont see any need to waste my passionate energies on daily crap that doesnt matter. Dont mistake laid back for apathetic! As for being too nice, who gives a shit- you want me to be a giant bitch and bowl over everyone? Thats just not who I am, I am not going to change for a guy who doesnt even want a relationship with me. And then, the independance thing, that really irked me, he obviously doesnt know jack shit about it. And his ex, he took care of everything for her since age 16, so she obviously wasnt independant! He states the fact that I live next door to my parents as evidence of his opinion. But he doesnt know the whole story. I have been on my own since 18, put myself through college, and happen to be living on my parents property as a way of saving $ to pay down my college debt so I can do the things I really want-like buy a house. Plus my parents wanted to move next door, so I could help with the house they are building and watch over things while they are gone. Plus, he doesnt even begin to know this, my mom has cancer so I want to be close to her.

But fucking Sean, he doesnt ask or even care to know, he just passes judgement on me based off what other people tell him or whatever. Stop trying to judge me if you arent even trying to have a relationship with me who gives a fuck!?! Then he says we are soo different, we could never be a couple because I havent been through the same fucked up shit he has. Well, I dont have to have had the exact same experiences as him to have sympathy and to understand how that has affected him! So hes making me feel like a big pile of crap becauses he saying Im not good enough...at least thats what I feel like...I need to give him a piece of my freakin mind!!!!

Random Thursday night

Last night was a fun and somewhat crazy night! Right after work I went downtown to meet a girlfriend, Jacqueline, who was meeting a blind date and needed me for “moral support”. One of her friends showed up and started telling a story about what happened to her the other night. She started talking about her “friend w/benefits", Jake, and how he is crashing at a friends place while he is in town for the week. She started talking about how she was with Jake at his friends place and she wanted to hook up with Jake but the friend wouldn’t leave them alone. He stayed up, making them watch videos of his band, and talking too much. As she was describing this guy, I kept thinking, man that sounds an awful lot like Sean. My friend Jac kept saying, “no its not the same Sean”, but I knew it was! Jac has met him before, and knows about our situation, but she didn’t remember meeting him! Have another drink Jac! Anyways, once Jac’s friend found out about Sean and I, she practically begged me to come over to Sean’s with her to distract him so she could get a piece from Jake. The guys actually ended up coming downtown to meet us, and it ended up making a group of 8, a big group for a random Thursday night! We all drank and played pool and darts and then ended up back at Sean’s for the after-party…listened to Jake and Sean sing and play guitar for a few hours…then finally got Sean to come to bed…OMG I don’t even think I can describe how amazing the sex was. It was probably the best I’ve ever had with him. For once I wanted to keep going and doing it over and over again! I was in complete bliss the entire time, and I had the biggest O I’ve had in a long time! He was pretty proud of himself :) I only slept 3 hours but it was totally worth it! Hell ya :)

Kenny

I have mixed feelings about Kenny. Very strong mixed feelings. My feelings for him border between pissed off and in love. Even though he has stomped on my heart numerous times, I am still drawn to him for some insane reason. Maybe its his boyish good looks. Maybe its his nipple piercings and tats (hot!), or maybe its just his trippy personality. Its trips me out how in-tune we can be with one-another. And that deep (instantly achieved) connection is what initially fascinated me about him. He claims that what drew me to him was my Lindsay-Lohan-like looks, but I would beg to differ. I think it’s the fact that the first night I met him I had an 8-ball in my pocket! So, needless to say, partying together is something we do every time we get together. In fact I don’t think we’ve ever been together sober. We pledge to do it, but we always seem to steer eachother towards the swilling of Sailor Jerry and the lining out of a certain white substance.

And course when you do blow, you’ve gotta have sex while on it, because its so fucking amazing. The way I feel when he touches me, I don’t know if the sensation is heightened by the drugs or is it just him?! We are both very sensual people, and although I can be somewhat shy at times, with him I am completely free, relaxed, and willing. He makes me feel comfortable with myself and happy and carefree. He makes me laugh and we can talk for hours on end. This is opposite of how I feel with Sean. Sean’s serious, gloomy attitude can bring me down, and when we talk its usually him talking about his crappy life and me listening. But with Kenny, he focuses more on the positive, and seems to have a good attitude no matter what.

So, you are probably thinking, okay, amazing sex, good connection, cool personality- whats the problem? The problem is that he screws with me. And I fall for it- I allow myself to be taken in by him, which just opens me up for hurt. He comes in and out of my life at random- no explanation- no word- no nothing. Just one day he will call me out of the blue and the next he will be gone. The man has a knack for disappearing- but I always let him back in because the highs are worth getting through the lows. Despite some seriously deviant crap he has pulled on me- when we hang out (whenever that happens to be!), we talk about how much fun we would have if we were together. And we would- our time together would be amazing- but there are 3 big problems: his flakiness, his cheating nature, and he doesn’t want any more kids. Since I don’t see any of those factors changing, I don’t think it would ever work out for us. But nonetheless, he remians a part of my life- that is, until he is gone again.

Sean

Sean is my…umm…my…well...defining our relationship is probably the most difficult part of it. You’ve heard of ex-boyfriend, right? Well, I guess you could say he is my un-boyfriend. He would claim all day long that he is not my boyfriend, but he sure as shit acts like it. We hang together all the time, he invites me to gatherings with his friends, and has brought me into his circle. He does things like cuddle with me on the couch watching movies, giving foot and back massages, and cooks and serves meals to me without being prompted. However, don’t get this guy wrong- he is a “bad boy”. He grew up with circumstances that would have turned anyone else into a serial killer. He was cast aside by everyone in his life that was supposed to care for him, and spent his youth surviving on his own on the streets. He’s covered in tattoos that were once gang symbols and have since been altered to cover them up. And if those tattoos included teardrops, he would have several. Also one of his tats is a devil-over his heart! If that tells you anything. He’s also a rocker (wannabe)- a singer in a metal band, and one of the biggest partiers I know.

Usually those bad boys, they act tough on the outside, but most of them do have that softer side they only show to select people they are intimate with. And speaking of intimacy, he is sharing his world with me, I have seen a lot of sides of this man. I don’t believe he is sharing everything yet, because of the place he is in, but he does wear his heart on his sleeve and is not shy about expressing himself. He is one of the only men I have ever met that is confident enough to express their emotions- the whole gamut- from sadness to rage and everything in-between.

Then of course there is the other side of “intimacy”, this piece cannot be left out since it’s the best part of our relationship! The sex with him is…. indescribable. It is hands down the best I’ve ever had (although there are a few, to be named below) that bring up a close second. I don’t know what it is. I don’t know if its our sexual chemistry, our mental states of mind, or simply that we mesh well together physically….but this boy knows how to fuck! (Great at fucking, not so great at the other things, but that’s okay since his glorious, perfectly sized, adeptly-used dick makes up for all the rest!). There has only been one prior who’s dick was more glorious, and I will describe him at some point as well. But with Sean, its so amazing, I’ve been having sex for over 10 years now and I didn’t know it could be this good! He turns me on with a simple, erotic touch. When his hands lay on me I get chills. When I feel his hard body and smell his sweet skin, its almost more than I can handle. And that point, after all the buildup, when he finally penetrates me, its like I’ve got firecrackers shooting off through my entire body! He has the longest stamina I’ve ever had- and usually I don’t like that because I get dry, sore, and tired. But with him this is not the case. I want him to keep going and going, because the feeling he gives me is so good I stay wet the entire time. He knows the exact positions and movements to use. I love the way he knows what he wants and just goes for it- while still having my pleasure in mind. And then there comes that point, where he’s got me just in that right place mentally and physically, where I am so completely relaxed and in the moment- that I reach bliss. Him inside of me feels so fucking amazing, I literally start to shake from the pleasure running through my body. God damn…I think I need to go find him right now…

Boy crazy

I suppose a good place to start my first blog would be to explain why I am starting this. Mostly I am doing it for myself, as a type of journal to keep track of happenings in my life. In this format I can have complete anonymity, which is not something that is guaranteed when using the traditional-old school- hard copy version. Although I do live alone, one never knows when a secret journal may be discovered by prying eyes. I also shudder at the thought that upon my passing, my mother finds my journal detailing the sinister acts of my youth.

If others happen upon my blog and find it useful, empathic, or perhaps just entertaining, then I take comfort in the fact that what I have done for myself also benefits someone else in this world. Although today's corrupted world does lend itself to people becoming self-serving as a means of survival, helping others is part of who I am and is something that I will continue, despite any negative impacts on myself. Many times in my life I have sacrificed my own well being for the sake of another, and I have been taken advantage of because of my altruistic nature. But despite the pain it has caused me, deep down I believe in the goodness of human nature and that there must be people in this world that still care about others. Willingness to selflessly help a fellow human being is what makes me who I am, and I believe if more people had this attitude, the world might be a better place.

A little background about myself, I’m in my mid-20s, I hail from the beautiful Pacific Northwest, and I work in the manufacturing industry. It is difficult for me to relinquish the stresses of my job, and so I compensate for that by using drugs, alcohol, and sex as a release. Although I have had many fun adventures, my dealings have also landed me in some tough spots, and sometimes I wonder when I will be too old to carry on in this way. I guess I figure I should live it up while I am still young and single, I just hope my shenanigans don’t hinder me from finding what I seek out of life, which is, ultimately, true love and a family, and the security that I no longer have to go through this life alone.

Physically, I am petite-but curvaceous-and most men find my red hair, blue eyes, and sensuality to be dead sexy. I enjoy the attention and affection that my youthful beauty and sexual energy bring. Relationships with men are a big part of my life.

Since I am so completely “boy crazy” (have been since I was 13), most of my stories will revolve around the men in my life. It’s probably advantageous for me to introduce my readers (if there will be any!) to these men*….or boys as I like to call them…because, ladies, we all know they never really grow up ;)

*Names have been changed to protect the not-so innocent