Day of mental clarity

So my horoscope yesterday stated that I would experience less "interference" than usual. When I intially read this I assumed it somehow relate to work, but I now realize that it meant I would experience less mental and emotional interference which would allowed me to think clearly and objectively and I was able to reflect on some of my current situations.

After writing about Sean yesterday, I came to realize a lot about the situation we are in and why he feels the way he does and how what he thinks about me is affecting things. I realized that he has the wrong view of me in some instances, but that I cannot abruptly or verbally point this out to him because I don't think he will be receptive. Plus he may feel I am pushing the GF issue and I believe doing that will cause this whole thing to come crumbling down. The last thing he needs is for to back him into a corner- that will just make him run away that much faster. I think what I need to do here is either get out now, or do what comes naturally to me, which is stay and help him. I think maybe we are destined to be in eachothers lives, but only because maybe I am supposed to help him. Im starting to get the feeling that I was put on this earth to help and counsel these men through hard times, build them up again, make them realize they deserve love and happiness. And if thats my destiny, then Im okay with it, I just hope someday I get my happiness too :)

I think what I am going to do is patiently and subtly show him that I do care about him, and that he can find love again, he just needs to open himself up to it. And maybe in the meantime I will reveal more things about myself that may make him realize that we could be good together. And if he never realizes that or it doesnt work out romantically between us, than at least I have done my duty by showing him the light and helping "heal" his heart. I guess this relates back to post #1, where I explain how I sometimes sacrifice my own happiness in order to help others.

Yesterday being such an introspective day, I also thought a lot about my situation with Travis. At the end of the work day after everyone was gone from my office, he came up to visit me and started rubbing my shoulders. Later that night he told me he got an intense vibe off of me when he was doing that. Man I hate his perception sometimes! What I was feeling during that moment was part elation- it felt so good and so right to have him touching me like that- but on the other hand, I felt very sad and discouraged too. I think the hope and the fantasy is wearing away,and I am starting to realize that he is never going to leave his wife and we are never going to be together. Even though that would be extremly dissappointing, I think I could live with us not being together if I could force my love feelings for him to go away. But he is one of my best friends, and I don't want to loose that. I'm so afraid that the only way to force my feelings to go away is to stop seeing him altogether- even if it means working somewhere else. I don't know what to do-I have to decide what is harder- being only friends but going crazy because I am in love with him? Or not being anything at all.

I can sense he is starting to feel guilty about hurting me, hurting his wife, and fucking everything up. He feels so badly for getting us into this position int he first place. But I told him, please don't feel bad, it wasn't intentional, we have very strong feelings for eachother and that is difficult- if not impossible- to ignore. If you ask me he's being pretty good, I mean we haven't physically done anything. But I guess some people would day we are having an "emotional" affair. We both know what needs to be done. Knowing the right thing is not the hard part. Doing the right thing is the hard part. Also very very hard when my brain and my heart have different ideas of the "right thing".

I have so many mixed feelings about this. I want to be so angry at him! I want to say, if your feeling for me are so undeniable, why won't you make it so we can be together?! He acts like he has no control over his marriage, his life, his future. he continues he doesn't know what is going on in his marriage. How come he doesn't realize he has 100% control? If you dont want to be married- file for a divorce- she doesn;t have a choice in the matter! He is also worried about the kids, which I understand, but what he is doing is sacrificing his entire life of happiness for the sake of other people. He thinks this is the noble thing to do but doesn't realize that by staying in the marriage he is not saving anyone's feelings- he and his wife will both be unhappy and the kids will pick up on that and they will be unhappy too. And of course I will be unhappy. I just want to strangle him sometimes!!! I want to help him see the light, just like I want to do with Sean, but not if he isnt ready to face it....