Am I the rebound girl???

So I thought that by being in the "non-relationship" situation I am with Sean, that we were avoiding drama and games. Well maybe not! I'm starting to feel like a non-relationship is more work than a real one, because I'm constantly worried about what I can and cannot and whether or not its going to freak him out. After my last post about him I didn't hear from him for over a week. Super frustrating since after the last time we were together things got weird and I had a lot of unfinished business I needed to get off my chest. Finally, in a weak moment of frustration from being at the end of my rope, I stopped by his place. He completely blew me off and the vibe was super weird so I bailed after about 2 minutes of being there.

After days of worried thoughts running through my end, I finally decided to forget about him and not try and contact him again. Then, out of blue, he calls. Tell me, why is it that as soon as you write a guy off- he fucking calls!?! What I suspected is true, that he just needed some space and time to think. Apparently his roomie (who is super hot and sweet BTW) and GF had been having problems due to lack of communication/setting ground rules, so i think that started to freak him out, not wanting it to carry over in our situation. I am very glad he called, I honestly didnt think he was the type of guy to bail by way of ignoring me, so he did redeem himself a bit. We talked for over an hour, and worked out the ground rules for our situation, at least on the surface anyway....

Basically what it boils down to is what I have known all along- that he doesn't want a GF right now. he just doesnt have the energy to put in. he says he only has "one left"- meaning one shot left in in him to try for love and he wants it to be perfect. Its a bit of an ego shot for me, him saying I am not that girl, but then in the very next breath he says he loves me a person and goes off about how much he likes my company blah blah blah. He says we just arent compatible- we are too different. But what he doesnt realize- and what is difficult to explain to someone too self absorbed to stop talking about their own shit for 5 minutes- is that we are very alike. When he talks about how he wants someone who can help him, someone who is comfortable bringing down those walls with, and someone who he can help in return, I understand exactly what he means. When he talks about his pain, its like he is speaking from inside of me. I think we would be so great together. I think he needs to be more open-minded about what kind of person is right for him. He seems very set in knowing what kind of girl he wants, yet also says that everyone in his life like that has turned their back on him when he needed it most. I think for his sake, he needs to open up to new and different things because he will not find true love looking in the same places where he never found it before. While I certainly dont want to have to convince somebody to be with me, I do think I could be everything he wants and needs. I mean, we want the same things! Mainly, we are both dying to have a family before we get too old. And he loves animals too- I can picture us with a gaggle of kids and pets running around. A simple, normal life, but a happy one. He even said to be once- if we had met 10 years ago, we would be married with 4 kids. Now what am I supposed to take out of that??!

One thing that is very frustrating for me is a catch-22. He says he needs someone damaged, wounded, in need of help and to be able to help eachother and grow together. he thinks I am not like that and cites that a reason for us being uncompatible. But what he doesn't understand, and what I havent explained to him yet because I dont want him to think I am pressing the GF/BF issue, is that I am like that. I have always been a very strong person and I don't share my feelings, I guess I view it as weakness, and I have always felt compelled to be the strong one for my friends and loved ones. Because of that and because of the pain endured from having my fragile heart stomped on, I have trained myself over the years to remain closed-off and not share myself with others. I only open up and share that wounded part of myself with someone I feel comfortable with and I can trust with my heart :). Since he wants nothing to do with my heart, and he because he is convinced we shouldnt be together, I am not going to share that with him. Thats the only way I have to protect myself from getting hurt more that I already am. I wish I could explain this to him, but I don't think I can right now.

But this is so completely one-sided because I have to listen to all his crap but he isnt interested in mine. And I won't share with him anyway- not until he wants to hear it- and until I can trust him with my heart. Its very hard for me to open up like that, so I am not going to do it unless the risk is worth the reward.

Even if its not with him, I am looking for a relationship like he describes. I want someone I feel completely comfortable with... someone who wants to know me and wants to know those darker sides of me...someone who honestly and truly cares about me and someone who is crazy about me too! Someone who shares with me also, and we support eachother and grow together. I just don't think thats Sean. It definately could be, but not until he gets rid of his own hangups and finds out for himself what he wants. I don't think he realizes any of this, and I think he needs someone like me to tell him all of that! But he won't hear it from me, because hes convinced himself I am not right for him and that he isnt ready to open up like that. And I do understand and respect how he feels right now, I just know that if he doesn't try again and put himself out there again- he will never find what he is looking for.

So, I have to ask myself, how much longer do I want to stay in this un-relationship, knowing everything I know and feeling everything I feel, and not being able to go there with him because he isnt ready to face it. Its a very frustrating situation cuz while we would be great together, if he doesnt want it then I can't force anything. I think I am his rebound girl...CRAP! I just realized that...hmmm...if thats true, and this rebound situation is true to form...this won't go anywhere. However, I do believe that things happen for a reason, and this life isn't competely random, so that there is a reason I am in his life. Its possible that I am here to make him realize what he needs to move on and find love again, to help him through this rough part in his life, to be the support system he needs right now. Maybe I am supposed to do for him what I have done for many other men- to counsel them but for it not to be a reciprocal relationship. I am certainly willing to do it if thats whats meant to be- I just have to realize I may end up hurt.