Fat Tuesday

Ok so last night was Mardi Gras Fat Tuesday. Ryan asked me to come with him to a "foam party". For the most part- the night was pretty awesome! Tons of people, the place was totally packed wall-to-wall it was almost overwhelming. A lot of people I knew were there and met some cool new people as well. The biggest bummer was that Ryan- dance machine- wouldnt dance with me! He claimed he didnt want to go out in the foam and get soaking wet- or that he was waiting for a drink- or whatever. Lamo! So I ended up dancing with other guys- I definately had the attention of at least 3 of them. One was Ryan's friend and the other was some young buck I started talking to cuz he had on a sweatshirt of my alma mater. I think I was definately the hottest thing they had a look at it a while! So it was nice to get some male attention.

The best part of the night- hot green shirt guy! He was hands down the hottest guy in the bar- and after he came to hit on ME- I gave him my best beads as acknowledgement of being the hottest guy in the bar- but not before he showed me his beefcake chest! He took my single strand of beads and turned it into about half dozen or more of these really cool strands- and I ended up getting one back from him at the end of the night- claiming I was stealing it as a reminder of him. But I earned it! I showed him my shit and rubbed it up on him, while standing right behind Ryan! But, alas, I don't it made him jealous, I don't think any of what I did made him jealous, damnit! Even after green shirt guy and I got down on the dancefloor! Holy hell that was a lot of fun- he was definately the hottest guy and was talking to and dancing with ME! we were getting dirty I was lovin it and Ryan was watching the whole time. He even told me later that my dancing in the wetness was hot- and that I looked cute all wet! When we were leaving, Hot Guy was grabbing my ass and sticking his hand down my pants and talking dirty, like "girl what I could do to you, I would ravage you all night long"...let me tell you FUCK it was really hard not to go home with the guy. Hands down if Ryan hadnt been there (even tho we are just friends), I would have done it in a heartbeat. Its been a while (since Sean) that I had a really good screwing from a guy who knows what hes doing!!!

So the dance party was fun. The rest of the night...err not so much. After I pulled up to Ryan's I expected him to ask me to come up- and he kinda did- but only half assed after we started talking. He asked if I wanted to come sleep in his bed with him- and I said yes I do, but onloy if you have something for me to wear since Im soaking wet. He just paused, and then said, goodnight Sara. Hmm okay. He tried to hug and kiss and touch me but I pulled away. He probably thinks I'm a cold bitch but its just too hard for me to do intimate things with him when I know he doesnt want to take it any farther. Our talk was really weird, I told him I am in a tough position and I dont know how to deal with it. I told him I didnt feel like he was being honest with me. He said I am being honest, about the place I am in right now, Im just trying to be a father and be selfish and single and get my shit together and really can't handle and don't want a girlfriend right now. I said I know you are being honest about that, and started to say more, but stopped myself. This is what I wanted to say:

I know you are being honest with me about your situation but I don't think you are being dishonest in that you are making it seem like thats the reason you dont want to be with me. I think even if you wanted a girlfriend it wouldnt be me, and I think if you met Miss Right you would want to be with her no matter what situation you were in.

I am pretty sure I am right about this but not sure if I really want to point it out to him in that way...not sure if I am ready for him to confirm that he and I will never be. Is it better to hold onto a small shred of hope or to let it all go now so I can get over and just be his friend???
Also....Jake is back, I'm going on a blind date Saturday, and guy-at-work is kinda cute...more to follow.