Ramblings about Ryan...and Travis...and Derek...

I don’t what to do. On one hand I really like him and I really feel we have a connection and he is worth waiting for. But, how long do I want to wait? And am I waiting for something that isnt going to happen? Its so hard to like somebody and to have your feelings out there but not be getting any acknowledgement back from them. My problem is that I let it get to me, I let what he does affect my feelings. and I know I shouldn’t but its really hard not to because I like him and I want to be with him and that’s just how I feel.

But I cant talk to him about any of this. Ive tried and it just blows up in my face. Hes told me if I need to move on then I should do so. and if that means us not being friends than so be it. Its just, I don’t want to cut him out of my life completely, but if I continue to stay friends (or whatever we are) its going to be on his terms. And I want to stay friends with him, but only if theres hope for us to be together in the future. I know it would be too hard to see him with another girl. So I need to know if Im waiting for something that’s never going to happen. But, Im afraid to ask him that, I think backing him into a corner is the wrong thing to do. and any info he has given me regarding this is so cryptic, I don’t think even he knows how he feels.

Last week he got the call that his baby momma is taking him to court for child support and I know that threw him for a loop so its possible hes just focusing on that right now. He doesn’t seem able to handle more than one emotional situation at a time so maybe ignoring me is just his way of dealing. Its just, I have to decide, am I willing to put up with it without calling him out on it. Its only worth it if theres a payout for me in the end…..which is the big unknown here.

God I cant believe Im a stupid girl obsessing about this, but its just because of what has happened to me in the past I'm really insecure. Im so afraid that Im just gonna keep getting tossed aside over and over again. Is it me? Or is it the guys I pick? Its like, I think I pick these guys because I have a phobia of commitment, but on the other hand, what I want more than anything is the security of knowing you have someone there for you everyday.

This is one thing I don’t think I would ever have to worry about with Travis if we were together. He expresses his feelings for me and has no doubts, and that is the kind of unconditional love and security I need.

Also last night I started thinking about Derek and actually started crying. I guess I didnt realize that I do still have feelings for him until I found out he was getting married. In the back of my mind I always thought we were meant to be together and that we would get back together one day. The fact that he is about to get married to another girl (with the same name even!) and the fact that I will never see him again just makes me sick to my stomach. I guess the truth is I still love him and this has been very hard for me to deal with. I mean, I stood by his side for 4 years, waiting for him to be ready to start a life together, and now he has that happy successful life without me in it :(.

Wanting more

God I've got to stop letting how Ryan acts affect me! We arent dating!! And until we are, my issues need to remain my issues and I cannot project them onto him, or hold him accountable, because it will only freak him out and drive him away. But its hard, because we are in a weird place, and I want so badly for us to be together someday, that it almost feels like we are now. So when he acts weird, and distant, and I don’t see him for a week, I get that crappy feeling in my stomach and I start to wonder whats going on. I start to wonder why guys feel like they can just toss me aside, when something better comes along, or when they don’t need me anymore. It makes me feel so small, so low, so used. Do I mean so little to these people have so little care for me that they can toss me out like yesterday's garbage? I think Ryan has more heart than that, in fact I sense that deep down he has a huge heart and wants to care, but maybe just isnt capable right now. Wow- just realized that’s the same excuse Sean used to give me- that because of the place in his life hes in, hes just doesn’t have anything to give. The thing is, I knew in the back of my mind with Sean we would probably never get there, but I sense something different with Ryan, like we really are meant to be together. I just want so badly for him to come to his senses, for him to wake up one morning and realize how badly he needs me in his life, and for him to take me in his arms and profess his love for me!!! How wonderful and amazing that would be!!! I know I need to be patient, and I am a very patient person, its just hard because I have no idea if there will actually be a reward for my patience. I could "wait" all this time for him to be ready and he may just never be. Or, he will become ready and go to some other girl, and where will that leave me?? Sometimes I wonder if I should just move on…but how can I when I have such strong feelings for him? It wouldn’t be fair to another guy…unless I can just find another boy toy that will only be short term anyway…this could take some of the focus away from Ryan and maybe if he catches wind of it, it will make him jealous, make him want what he cant have, or it could backfire! I just don’t know. All I know is I better get laid on my birthday coming up this weekend and I hope its by him!!!

The more sex you have, the more you want!

As a follower of the zodiac, I read my daily horoscope to look for a little insight into the day ahead. Oddly enough, often those horoscopes reflect my true feelings, even if read at the end of the day they tend to match up with reality. My horoscope from this weekend is no different….

Romance is likely to be very much on your mind today, Sara, though not necessarily in a positive way. A lot of doubts and insecurities could be taking over your psyche. Does a current or potential romantic partner share your feelings or not? Direct communication with the one in question could be premature, so it might be best just to try to remain objective and judge the situation accordingly. In the meantime, take it one day at a time.

This reflects my situation with Ryan exactly. I'm trying not to over-analyze mine or his feelings or over-think the situation because it will cause angst and strife that will trickle down into my actions towards him, and he is a perceptive Cancer, so I cannot let that happen again. (Its happened a couple times, I projected my issues onto him and it did NOT go over well). So, now is not the time to play hard ball, it will only drive him away, I just need to take it real slow with him, as his British friend says. But, I have to conciously make that choice and I have to find the balance between not pressuring him and not letting my feelings be ignored.

But, I do worry about the exact thing my horoscope says. Does he like me? Of course I am becoming head-over-heels for him, but I have a lot of insecurities about how he feels about me because I know he isnt sure. At least not sure enough to want to be with me right now. What I'm confused about is whether his ambivalance towards being in a relationship with me is strictly because of me or because of his life right now. I cant help but feel sometimes that if were over the moon for me, he wouldn’t care what his current life situation was, he would want to be with no matter what. But on the other hand, maybe its good we arent jumping into anything right now, I need some time to improve me and he needs some time to get his head straight. I just hope that "time lag" isnt so long that he permantly places me in the "friend" category- a place I'm not sure you can come back from…..or maybe it’s a good foundation of a relationship?? I just don’t know…I don’t know whats going to happen….I don’t know if things will change….i don’t know if I even want things to change….things arent perfect but we are finding our groove and I kinda like the way things are now…I just realize we cannot stay thia way forever….someday my feelings for him will come to a head- I just pray that byu that time he's come around and realized how perfect we are for eachother!!!

I think we are perfect. Our mutual friend said to me, "oh I know, he's the man of your dreams"…and I kinda laughed it off at the time (I do that, I don’t show my true colors when Im trying to hide my feelings), but really its true.He is, aside from the selfishness (that could just be a result of the mode hes in right now), everthing I could ask for. Tall…blonde…attractive…athletic…outgoing….funny…laid back…sweet…affectionate…caring…smart…honest…good head on his shoulders…similar interestes….good heart…and of course we have am amazing connection to me that is the biggest part. We instantly felt comfortable with each other and have been in contact ever sense…its already been 4 months and it has just flown by.

I hadn't seen much of him for a couple weeks, me was in his mode, but this weekend we hung out quite a bit. We did the Cola again, it was fun but not a great batch, but I didn’t care I was craving it anyway. Bounced around to a couple different people's houses, then ended up going downtown, which was okay but I wasn’t really in the social mood, it was kinda overwhelming me. We had plans to get more beer and go back to this couple's house to finish up the rest, but plans changed on the walk back from the bar. They started bickering (shes kind of a B), and so we kinda split up. Ryan took off (at a run! what a spaz!) to the gas station and I just walked faster than them. He said when he saw me come around the corner alone he knew what was going on. We decided to ditch them, say we were done-de, which we still wanted to party but we didn’t want to be drug down by their negativity and drama. Ryan and I are both are definitely "good vibes" people, we don’t like drama head games or negativity.

Anyways so we walked to our cars (stopping in the street to make out!), drove his back to his place, and ended up sitting in the driveway with the beats up loud enough to wake the neighbors. After we got upstairs we started going at on his living room floor with a movie going and pizza in the oven (here we go burning pizza again! LOL). It was pretty hot I have to admit! He was in a crazy mood and it showed…either that or we are just getting more comfortable with eachother…oh baby! He actually wanted me bad this time I could tell…maybe because I initiated by kissing him first and he noticed and said something!? Normally Im not a lights-on-in-the-middle-of-the-living room-girl, what whatever! I went with it and it was awesome. Ahh cough sex! Reminds me of times with Sean. At one point he had me basically upside down! Like porno-style LOL! It was hot and rough and kinky but at some points intimate too- like him pressing up close to me and having our faces right next to each other- and the kissing and the eye contact :). It was awesome up until the point I was grinding on his lap and he was telling me to go to town and I was all into it and soooo close to extasy and then- he just lost steam! Ahhhh I was mad!! He tried to get rid of my frustration by making me laugh by being gross- what a spaz! But it worked, I cant stay mad at him forever and I really wasn’t that mad Im actually smiling as I write this :). I just needed to O like nobody's business!

Anyways we finally passed out around 4 or 5am and I thought that was that but he must have also been left wanting more cuz he didn’t cum either. So around 8am as the sun started waking us up I rolled over on my side and he came up behind to cuddle with me and pressed himself into me which I admit just does something for me. Without saying a word he started rubbing me and put my hand on him and slipped off my pants. One minute we were sound asleep, the next we were going at it, side style! It was so hot! Normally I hate morning sex, esp. after a long night, but this time I went for it and it was so totally hot! We didn’t talk at all, the only sounds made were the usual sex sounds, and towards the end he was getting kinda verbal which was awesome I was hoping he had that side! And yes- he actually got off this time- big time! It was sweet :) I'm ready for another round!!! Its true what they say- the more sex you have- the more you want. With him, tho, Im just not sure when that’s coming.

Letter to Ryan

There are so many things I need to get off my chest. Our conversation last night just got me thinking about the whole situation. I hate overthinking things but Ive learned that I get myself into trouble by doing what feels good instead of thinking about what is truly right for me. So, I need to overthink this to make sure I am not being stupid and setting myself up for heartbreak.

You say you don’t want to string me along but I feel strung along. And having sex and spending time with you is not what makes me feel strung along- comments like "I want to be with you but I don’t" is what strings me along. When you say something like that, I don’t know how to process it. On one hand I want to hang onto that glimmer of hope for us to be together, but on the other hand why would I wait around for someone to decide they want to be with me? I don’t want to be with someone who isnt that into me. So if you arent into me, then don’t give the impression that you kinda sorta want to be with me. Set me free.

And you say you arent a user. Well I feel used. I already told you that I don’t want to have sex with you if you are only doing it because you are drunk and horny and have nothing else better going on. I cant be your second best or your fallback. I have told you that this makes me feel like a worthless piece of crap. If you want to keep doing it, then do it because you want to and because you are into me, not because you need a piece. I am tired of being the girl who is only good enough to screw but not good enough to be the girlfriend. You can get laid by any girl. But what I can offer is so much more than that. I can offer support, companionship, loyalty, trust, and affection.

Plus you yourself has admitted that you need to re-think how you approach relationships. A couple weeks ago when we were at the 219 you even said to me that you have formed past relationships based on lust and you realize it got you nowhere except hurt and that you now realize that relationships should be based on connection- which you admit we have. Its very unfortunate that the only piece missing between us is the attraction on your end. Just wait and see. In a few months I will be looking better and by that time I will probably be dating someone else and you will be eating your words. Then you will have missed out on what could have been love because you are too shallow and narrow minded to see the real person I am.

More confusion and pain- why am I doing this to myself???

I really don’t know what to make of Ryan and I's little talk last night. It all started when I was talking about house stuff and mentioned how I would have to get a roommate once I have the mortage to help pay the bills. He said "Im cool", meaning good as a roommate. And I said Ryan, you and I cannot be roommates- that would be awkward. And he joked, ya cuz we would be doing it every night! So that led us into talking about our whole situation. I had sent him a text this weekend basically saying I wanted him. And while that would turn most guys on- I guess it didn’t fly with him. I feel like he basically told me, not on the weekends when hes hanging out with friends, like what was he supposed to do about it right then. I said I didn’t expect you to do anything about it right then, I was just voicing my feelings, and also I wanted him to know I want things to not just be on his terms. So I told him that and he said okay. Then he basically said he doesn’t want to do it very often or have weekend sleepovers and whatnot because he doesn’t want to string me along and have feelings start developing. he was worried that he was leading me on. And I said no, Im not going to sit here and say I wouldn’t like us to be together but I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me. And he said, in regards to being with me, "I do but I don’t". Im so confused! Ok saying stuff like that strings me along- not the sex!

I just don’t know if he doesn’t want to be with me because he isnt into me or he doesn’t want a GF right now, I think it might be both. Some part of me wishes he would just come out and say that so I know exactly where I stand with him, but part of me already knows that’s the case and doesn’t want to hear him say it outloud because it only hurts my feelings. He even said to me as I was leaving, "but Im a dude and attraction is #1- think about that". Ok- does that mean he is or isnt attracted to me? I think he isnt, but he is enough to have sex with me? or only when hes drunk and horny and has nothing else going on? I already told that doing that makes me feel worthless and used. And I even told him about Sean and how that was basically the same situation and how it fucked with me head. I think once I made him listen to me he has a better understanding of where I am coming from and why I kinda freak out on him sometimes.

I don’t want to be used again. I don’t want to be strung along. I don’t want to give my heart to somebody and have it squashed again. I am so tired of being the girl who is good enough to screw but not good enough to be the girlfriend. I just don’t get it- these guys are missing out. Screwing is not what I am best at. They could get that from any girl. What I can offer is trust, companionship, loyalty, support, and fun times as a girlfriend. He even said to me one time, during our "life path" conversation, that in the past he has formed relationships based on lust and he realizes it has gotten him nowhere and that they should be based on connection- which he admits we have. I just think the attraction piece is missing. But I cant be that bad to him we will have sex??? But it could just be a drunk thing and he knows I don’t want that and it makes me feel like crap. he says hes not a user but I feel like he is using me for that. At least with Sean we were using each other and we both knew it.

Part of me wants to hold back on the sex with him to hopefully make him want what he cant have…but part of me worries that if I deny him, he will just go find it somewhere else. And also I want the sex too! I want to be around him! I think everything that I am doing is only bad for me, and I see this working out just like it did with Sean only possibly worse because my feelings for Ryan are much stronger and much more true. I think this is bad for me, I should be doing it, maybe I shouldn’t be seeing him at all. I should say "all or nothing"- but not having him in my life would be worse I think. This is one of those times I need time and space to think about what I am doing to myself, but its so hard to stay away from him and get that space! But I think Im gonna try, for my own sake. Rememer, be true to yourself! Only a fool breaks his own heart! I cant wait- in a few months I will be looking good and hopefully by that time I will be dating someone else and he will be hating it!!!

Up.....down....UP! :)

This weekend was up and down- which is pretty normal when it involves Ryan! But it came out good in the end so that’s good. On Friday I met up with him and Sam at LBG. Sam was WASTED. It was pissing Ryan off but honestly I was enjoying getting a laugh out of it! Ryan was already kinda on edge and he kinda snapped at me when he was talking about Sam being a dirt bag (cheating on his GF). He said "you always take the side of whoever I am talking about!" and walked away. I tried to talk to him but he was ignoring me. We were technically talking about Sam but I instantly knew it had more to do with his baby moma- what he said made me realize that he feels like he doesn’t have my support in that situation and that pissed me off because its not true so I had to set him straight. So, I tracked him down after he went outside and told him I am not on her side, she's crazy and has hurt you and your son and I am definitely on your side. So we ended up staying out in the parking lot for a long time talking. He talked about wanting to take her to court and I told him I would definitely support that. That seemed to chear him up a lot. He said he was glad he had someone positive in his life, he said me and also his friend from back home are behind him. So it good to know that now he knows I do support him and I am on his side. I guess before I didn’t want to show that too strongly because that’s a GF move, and didn’t want to freak him out, but now I realize he needs that. hes a typical man that needs to know someone stands behind him. I can do that for him! I can also tell hes pretty senstive, this whole thing has really broken his heart and fucked with his head, but I am hoping I can help him get turned around and see that things are getting better. We hugged a lot during our parking lot talk and during one really tight one he told me I was giving off positive vibes! That’s really cool he picks up on that! Cancers are so perceptive!

Anyways the night started out pretty good, our talk was good it made me feel closer to him and hopefully revealed to him that I am supporting him. But then it got bad. Sam was being a drunk dumbass and it was pissing Ryan off. Then Ryan hooked in with some people and asked me if I would put in on some stuff and I yes of course! But then he said he was taking off to go "do his thing". and I got irritated because, for one he was taking off drunk, in his car, with some girl. I had no idea who this girl was or what was going to happen or where they were going or what they were really doing. It obviously made me jealous and when I get jealous its not a pretty sight. Also it pissed me off because he knows how badly Id been wanting to do that and he said "wait by your phone I’ll call you" but I told him I knew he wouldn’t. And guess what- he didn’t! Even after I text and call him. So then in addition to being jealous and suspicious, I was scared. He didn’t know those people, he was walking into an unknown and not-to-mention illegal situation, and also driving drunk, so when I didn’t hear from him all night or the next day I started to get sick with worry. Worry about what might have happened to him and worry about what he might have done with the girl.

Finally at 8:30pm he finally gets a hold of me. I busted his balls for scaring me and not taking me to the ALL NIGHT party they had. He apologized and said he knew I wanted to go but he didn’t know what the deal was going to be and was already sketching so he just didn’t want to take me. He apologized for not getting ahold of me- I just wanted to him I care about him and was scared! he said "I know I know Im sorry but I am making up for it now!" And that he did- he shared with me what he had left. And we actually ended going back out to the people's house to hang with them and try and get our hands on more- it was pretty good. We didn’t end up getting more but with just doing a little bit between the 2 of us we were able to make it last until about 2am. I stayed over…and by the time we went to bed he was so ready to crash and I wasn’t in the mood so I thought cuddling and passing out was in order. NOT! The second I climbed under the covers he pulled me close and started kissing me. I told him I didn’t think it was a good idea but of course he persisted. It was just a total surprise! Ended up being really nice tho- prob some of the best we've had- cuz we were high and cuz we are starting to get more comfortable with one another. I just wish one time we could have sex when I want to and when Im ready!!! I slept with him that night and it was sooo nice we totally cuddled. He stroked my hair and had his arm up around me as we were falling asleep. For the first time it felt intimate…are his feelings for me starting to manifest??? I know I am starting to really fall for him! I mean- hes awesome! Hes a bit flaky and self-absorbed but so is every guy, esp. at this point inhis life. But on the positive side- he is tall, attractive, athletic, out going, sweet, talkative, interesting, life of the party, has that "star quality", fun, funny, perfect mix of serious and laid back, has the right attitude about life, wants similar things as I do, and we get along so well and have that great connection! I don’t want to get my hopes up but its hard not to, I really REALLY like him!!!!

Crossing the line

I don’t know how I could forget to write about this but I did! Big happening with Travis! We KISSED! It was a late night at work, I had come back in late to finish up a big project for my boss…we were sitting in my car and bam! He just leaned over and did it! It was nice- but took me by surprise I wasn’t ready and felt like I didn’t kiss very well cuz I wasn’t ready. And, I hate to admit it, but Im not sure I felt the heat I was expecting to feel. I guess I have mixed feelings about him, sometimes I look at him and want him so badly, and I dream about a life together, but other times he annoys me and I don’t think we have a future together. So, I really don’t know what to think. I think we need to try again…see if that spark is really there when I am ready to be kissed!

Im on his life path!!!

I had a GREAT night last night with Ryan! (At least it was mostly good. The end of the night got a little confusing but what isnt confusing with this man? he is CONFUSED.) I called him after work wanting to do something and he was in a good energetic mood and totally up for it. He was even cool with it being just me and him, didn’t even try and bring anyone else into the picture. We went and had a few drinks and a great, deep conversation. I feel closer to him now, he was able to share a lot and I shared too. We talked about our past relationships, he shared a lot, and a lot of what he was saying I could tell was very painful for him and I felt so bad for him! :( He basically gave his heart away for the first time to her and she squashed it and he is very senstitive about it. It definitely fucked with his head. He definitely needs time to heal, to get his confidence back, to be ready to give to someone else again. I completely understand- its hard to open up again- and you cant be forced. And I don’t want someone who isnt ready either. I want someone who wants me and wants to be with me no doubts.

Anyway so we were talking about sex, I could tell he was horny and wanted to take me home. And me, feeling a little used, snapped back "well why don’t you go find whats-her-name". he told me I should get her out of my head that there is nothing going on between them and never was. he said they went on one date but he wasn’t that into her and they havent had sex or anything. he said I am the only one he has done it with since his ex. I guess that’s a good thing??? Then he started talking about his past again, the mistakes he has made picking the wrong women, going for what is seemingly attractive to him but now he realizes its all about connection (which he has stated he knows we have). He started drawing out his life path on the table, and he kept veering off the path saying things like "where am I going? what am I doing? what do I want?"…and he kept coming back onto the path- back to ME!...indicating that he is drawn to me and feels like that’s where his life is headed. Also one more good thing….I was telling stories and I ended up talking about how guys treat me like crap and how I am second best or fallback and how I don’t want to feel like that anymore. I told one story in particular, about Kenny ditching me, and it started to piss him off. he got all worked out it! And then he said "uhh I don’t know why this bothers me so much! But it does! I care about you and I don’t want to see guys treat you like that, you deserve so much better than that- I guess there are feelings there!" :) :) :)

I think he likes me and he is starting to realize it, I just don’t think he likes the fact that he likes me! He will say one thing that makes me think he is coming aroung and then he will say something contradictory. I think he is just confused and conflicted about his own feelings. Sometimes I feel like his confliction makes me feel like he is playing with my heart, but I know he isnt doing it on purpose. Maybe I need to not let it get to me- not let what he does or doesn’t do bother me- but its hard not to when you like somebody and they are starting to act like your boyfriend.

Anyways so we did have a great night, lots of fun, good connection and good conversation. However, Im a little in angst about how it ended. The whole night he was looking at me in "that" way, talking about being horny, me not going home that night, etc etc. He even gave me a little leg squeeze. Then he invited me up when we got home and I said "I would like to stay with you but not do anything". He said "that’s fine" and seemed all for it. Then when it came time to go to bed he totally changed his mind and said "lets save it for a weekend" and basically kicked me out. I pretty much picked up my stuff and ran out of there as fast as I could. I kinda regret running out so quickly and he tried to stop me but honestly I was almost in tears I had to run. But, maybe I shouldnt let it affect me so much. Sometimes, TripleSgirl, you don’t always get what you want even if it was hard for you to say it! Im just curious to know if he thought I really did want something more even tho I didn’t…I just wanted to cuddle!